Impossible...

After attempting to start my 3rd blog.. I decided I should just write that I am extremely exhausted, burned out and want nothing more than to curl up in my mom's arms and cry. So that being said, I think I will try and sleep off my high and out strung emotions. Goodnight.

Emotions and Letting Go

Ugh.....
How is it I seem to relapse to my dramatic childhood habit of allowing emotions to get the best of me.
Stupid...stupid..stupid stupid stupid... Emotions cause you to do stupid things...like make dumb phone calls...
I have spent a good deal of my life building a wall. This wall around myself shuts all my emotional turmoil inside. If someone was to ask me what my greatest fear was, I would tell them that everyone would know what was really behind it. Yes, I wear my heart on my sleeve and am pretty open about what emotions I am feeling..but this is different. Hidden there is everything... From my struggles as a child, to Luke, to my mommy issues, to my Grandpa, to my greatest insecurities, to my health status, to my hopes and dreams..those  that I DON'T share with everyone, oh yeah, there is more than I say. Its all there. My friend, Jen asks me how I always know what to say and how I give the greatest advice. I tell her its because it isn't about me. I could use a dose of my own advise more than once a day, yet I just can't bring myself to dig that deep.
I have this theory that kids in high school put on this show about what really goes on inside their hearts and minds. I mean, think about those who "all of a sudden" bring a gun to school or commit suicide. I finally admitted to my mother just recently that I was one of those kids. Granted, I never was at the level of guns or suicide, nevertheless, I played quite the role. I feel like I've done this since about 6th grade to be precise. Even those closest to me have only seen bits and pieces of this inner sanctum.  Yet along the way somehow one person got through... and that scares the crap out of me. I hate it. I hate that they've seen the one place I can be raw and definitely crazy. Sure, I'm pretty vulnerable but not like this. This goes beyond knowing your weaknesses.  And they don't even know it..nor do they want it.. AT ALL.
So as I try and build an inner wall inside my wall to shut this person out, it keeps falling down and my heart gets attacked..and hurt. over and over again. And it sucks. I'm scared. Really, really scared. And I don't know of what or why.
The Devil strikes again. I know that I need to drag my mangled heart to the Lord and let Him rebuild it and make it whole, but it hurts. Its hard. Letting go completely means I lose control....and that I don't have to be so strong... If I'm strong, no one has to worry or take care of me... I guess I feel like being strong is part of growing up and that I am "on my own." And to give that up somehow makes me feel like I can't do it... that I failed.
Yet, somehow...I will run out of tears to cry, my cup of tea will be empty and I will crawl into bed. The sun will rise tomorrow and it will all be as it was. Because that is what I do. I open the door and allow this blog out and then close it back up because I can't deal with it anymore. I feel like giving up a burden to God is like sinning. You have to give it up again and again..and again...and again.
So I guess this is my loving repeat of me giving it all up to God. I just want it to be gone.. I don't want to have such a heavy heart to carry around...
We are more than conquers through Him who loves us...

13'er!!

I got to hike my first mountain this weekend. We started at 10,000 ft and climbed a mile up to 13,000 ft. About every 20 yards we had to stop and take a breath. So incredible and so worth it.

 I am super hardcore!

A-MAZ-ING!
I am so pumped about living in Colorado now. This is what it is really about. I want to go camping SOOOO bad now. I don't think I'll get it in before winter sets in since you can see the snow is already present. A group was camping at the bottom of the trail and some guys decided to take a dip in the resevoir. Stupid, yet hilarious to watch. I can't begin to thank Jodie and Steve enough for taking me! I want to hike all the time now. I have next weekend off to, so I need to figure out something "Colorado" to do. YAY!

Going Back!

Ok, So I guess you can't consider it "going back" if you have "never been" but who cares. I AM GOING BACK TO SCHOOL! Or more properly put, I am going to college. I have fought it for ehhhhhh about 2 years now. I didn't want to go, I felt like it was a waste of time and money for what? A social life and get a degree that was for what? With the help of my ever faithful sister Sarah, I figured that I am finally ready not because I found a degree I want but more so a job that I want and so now I know what degree to get to match that. It worked out perfectly for more reasons than I thought. I was young for the class I graduated for so technically I am right on task. Going to nanny school was perfect. I can now have a job to pay my way through school and to also give me security as I come out of school. I won't have to worry about getting a job right away etc. So if I actually have any readers out there, you are probably wondering what and how this came about. I will back track.

Earlier this week I ordered my first pair of "Tom's." Super exciting. They are a shoe brand and was started along with a foundation called One for One. I highly recommend supporting them. For every one pair of shoes sold, one pair is given to a child in need. Anyways,  I was puttzing around their site and found that they have an internship program. The jobs range from web design to human relations jobs. The one that caught my eye, PR. I cannot even begin to tell you how badly I want that PR internship. However, you need to currently be in college or fresh out. I now have a goal and a reason to spend the time and $ on a degree. My nanny schedule is more than perfectly set up for me to attend some community college classes during the day and have my evenings to work.  I have the perfect set up for it.  God had a plan from the beginning... Seeing in unfold makes me stand back a little in awe.

Those of you who have talked to me at all in the past month know how I went on and on about being 19 stuck in a 24 yr olds world. I would complain about wanting to do 19 yr old things and have a social life yadda yadda yadda yadda. Well guess what people? I am going to be 19 and go to school. I probably won't have time for a social life nor be able to do "19 yr old things," whatever that may be? However, I am gonna do what I need to be doing. If you can't tell, I am a little excited about all of this. Please pray that it all works out according to God's plan. I am in His hands. Always have been and always will be. To HIM be all the glory and praise. Amen amen, I say to you AMEN!!

If this is what Joy feels like.. I'll take it over happiness any and every day.