Emotions and Letting Go

Ugh.....
How is it I seem to relapse to my dramatic childhood habit of allowing emotions to get the best of me.
Stupid...stupid..stupid stupid stupid... Emotions cause you to do stupid things...like make dumb phone calls...
I have spent a good deal of my life building a wall. This wall around myself shuts all my emotional turmoil inside. If someone was to ask me what my greatest fear was, I would tell them that everyone would know what was really behind it. Yes, I wear my heart on my sleeve and am pretty open about what emotions I am feeling..but this is different. Hidden there is everything... From my struggles as a child, to Luke, to my mommy issues, to my Grandpa, to my greatest insecurities, to my health status, to my hopes and dreams..those  that I DON'T share with everyone, oh yeah, there is more than I say. Its all there. My friend, Jen asks me how I always know what to say and how I give the greatest advice. I tell her its because it isn't about me. I could use a dose of my own advise more than once a day, yet I just can't bring myself to dig that deep.
I have this theory that kids in high school put on this show about what really goes on inside their hearts and minds. I mean, think about those who "all of a sudden" bring a gun to school or commit suicide. I finally admitted to my mother just recently that I was one of those kids. Granted, I never was at the level of guns or suicide, nevertheless, I played quite the role. I feel like I've done this since about 6th grade to be precise. Even those closest to me have only seen bits and pieces of this inner sanctum.  Yet along the way somehow one person got through... and that scares the crap out of me. I hate it. I hate that they've seen the one place I can be raw and definitely crazy. Sure, I'm pretty vulnerable but not like this. This goes beyond knowing your weaknesses.  And they don't even know it..nor do they want it.. AT ALL.
So as I try and build an inner wall inside my wall to shut this person out, it keeps falling down and my heart gets attacked..and hurt. over and over again. And it sucks. I'm scared. Really, really scared. And I don't know of what or why.
The Devil strikes again. I know that I need to drag my mangled heart to the Lord and let Him rebuild it and make it whole, but it hurts. Its hard. Letting go completely means I lose control....and that I don't have to be so strong... If I'm strong, no one has to worry or take care of me... I guess I feel like being strong is part of growing up and that I am "on my own." And to give that up somehow makes me feel like I can't do it... that I failed.
Yet, somehow...I will run out of tears to cry, my cup of tea will be empty and I will crawl into bed. The sun will rise tomorrow and it will all be as it was. Because that is what I do. I open the door and allow this blog out and then close it back up because I can't deal with it anymore. I feel like giving up a burden to God is like sinning. You have to give it up again and again..and again...and again.
So I guess this is my loving repeat of me giving it all up to God. I just want it to be gone.. I don't want to have such a heavy heart to carry around...
We are more than conquers through Him who loves us...