Babies, Dogs and Sisters

Phew! What a weekend. It started with the end of week two of my new jobs. I got to spend Friday evening with these three lovelies. 

Matilda.              Marietta.       Camila. 

Yep, triplets! They clearly look nothing a like. Their personalities are even more diverse. Working with multiples on many occasions have been one of the highlights in my choice of career as a nanny. Watching them grow and learn as siblings and individuals is truly an experience. I break the cardinal rule often and compare their similarities and differences to one another. Being my first experience with triplets, I am so taken with how they interact and develop together. Multiples truly are a blessing!  I have not ever had a girl/boy mix or any boys, so add that to the resume bucket list! 

Meet Gracie. She is the seemingly unhappy canine to the right. As an 115lb lab, she very clearly lives for the food she is given. And that is about it. I house sit for her owners on occasion and I have made it a mental goal to whip this gal into a better life of dog hood. Having Zara there this weekend to romp with wore her out to pieces. Which was great! There is much more to tell about this sleep apnea, pool loving, treat begging canine, but all in all, she is a good dog. It was a stressful but fun weekend. 

Oh yeah. Then there is this hot momma. I have the pride and joy to call her my big sister. She came up to reset her brain from the chaos of her busy life. I couldn't have been more thrilled she chose to spend it with me! Much needed and way overdue. Only thing missing was her big sister, Ang! I am so incredibly blessed to have these two women as role models and advice givers in my life. They have been my rocks time in and time out. Getting to know them as people and not just as my "sisters" has been such a great part of adulthood. So that, in short, sums up my weekend. Hope you all had one as memorable. 

Meeting People

Meeting people. Some find it exhilarating and exciting. Others begin to swear just thinking about it while still others could have zero emotion for such an interaction. Introvert or extrovert, it is still a task we must all so at some point in our lives. Think back to your best friend, your wife, husband or whoever. At some point you had to meet this person and go through the motions of talking and getting to know them. Sometimes you click instantly and the bond is unbreakable. Other times it can take a pretty decent amount of time to warm up to each other. I have even experienced that instant click that eventually fades. It's a weird occurrence. Moving as often as I have the past few years, meeting new people has become something of a norm. To be honest though... It is such a hard task for me. At least the last few places have been. Ok so since Colorado.. It's just really hard to put mysf out there and still be able to keep my spirits up if there isn't a connection. Or I am not myself and just do or say whatever I can to find common ground. Companionship and friendship is something so desirable yet so hard to accomplish. I have met a few people since I have been in Omaha and so far, they are great. Life is busy so it's hard to form those strong ties by spending time together. Sadly, I think the person I felt the biggest connection with is moving so here I am back at nearly square one trying to form another bond. I am just tired.. I don't want to put all the energy into it, only to turn around and get burned. Even when I don't get burned, it still drains me when they go away. I have relied on relationships SO much in my life thus far and now I feel like I need to reign it in. Find something else that energizes me. I am drained and I have nothing left to give. At least not tonight... 

Style

So its been a while since I blogged. Lucky for me, that is normally a sign that my life has found a happy medium and I have no overwhelming thoughts or emotions that I need to write down. Life in Omaha suits me. I feel very at home here and everything comes natural. That doesn't mean the struggles of day to day don't go away, but I don't have this push in the back of my mind to bale if things get hard. It is a solid thought. I am staying here. For once, I am more excited to see what happens if I stay in one place than to move from state to state every year. I loved being able to move like that and experience new places, however, it was hard. It was hard to make new friends and build solid relationships because I was just going to move again soon anyways. I still did find some wonderful kindred spirits along the way, and re vamp old ones. Relationships have yet to cease to amaze me. They are beautiful. Even the bad ones will eventually teach you a lesson to live by. Okay, so that is a quick update on my mental life view. Haha! Lets get to the real point of why I decided to blog.

I am a friend and follow this lovely lady on Facebook by the name of Dajon. She just happens to be one of my older brother's high school girlfriend. When I was little, I admired her beauty and spunky personality and now as an adult, I admire her even more so. She is such an honest, positive and genuine person. She has her own site full of encouraging videos and life hacks. DajonSmiles.com. You should check her out sometime, you won't be disappointed! Anyways, throughout the past few years of "coming into my own" as an adult and developing my own "style" so to say, her words have always encouraged me to "keep on keeping on." Just one more person I am blessed to have in my life. Even if she doesn't know it. :) So from there, lets talk about style. I remember struggling with my mother as a tween about clothes and the evolving changes in modesty and such. I remember her always telling me, "You don't have to have what the trends are," "What is 'in' isn't always the best choice." I just remember being so annoyed because well it was "my mom" saying that, but also because there were certain trends I legitimately liked. I can remember telling her once, "I want to wear it because I like it, not because its a fad." I guess I have kind of kept that mindset throughout my life so far. I do things I love. I wear things I love. I drink and eat things I love. I often get called a hipster because I drink coffee, wear scarves, berets, TOMS and skinny jeans, along with wearing my hair au natural. Which, I can admit (haha) is quite stereotypical for the modern hipster. I laugh because honestly, I just really really love coffee..and scarves..and berets and TOMS and skinny jeans and letting my hair do as it wishes! "These are a few of my favorite things.." So yeah, way to go Grace! You know what you love, keep on loving it! Haha. I guess it makes me a little sad sometimes because it is so hard to be an individual in a world that judges on stereotypes. I get down on myself at times because I think, "are you just following the trends? Are you really being true to yourself?" It allows for that style identity crisis to sink in. Every person, regardless of whether they live in the U.S, Hong Kong, Norway or an African village, has their own taste in what they like and don't like. This is more than just a thought about whether someone has the trending red skinny jeans. I remember looking at photos from my grandparents time in Papua, New Guinea. The women were often fully naked except for a grass skirt around their waists. Yet, they had some unique facial piercings or hair styled in funky braids or dreads or had shaved heads. They each had their own individual likes and dislikes when all it came down to was wearing a grass skirt.

I guess my point is these two things: 1. My style is what I love. I am an individual and I love every aspect of myself for that. So go ahead and call me a hipster, I am just being me. 2. We, as a society, need to lay off the labels. It starts from a very young age. You call a little girl who smiles at people "a flirt" and those who can't focus in school "bad kids" or "ADD kids." If we spent less time labeling everyone into groups and just let people figure it out for themselves, maybe we would be a better functioning social world.

So I raise a cup of all black "hipster" coffee to all of you, as individuals. And as Dajon is constantly reminding me, don't forget to love yourself today!

A Long Hard Look

Christianity has never been an easy path. From the moment of creation, things kind of got out of hand and went off the deep end. However, if it wasn't worth all the difficulty, no one would stick with it. 

Recently, I have met some new people that have made my life go into complete chaos. In a great way.

 I have always considered myself a good Christian girl. I know my stuff and can banter with anyone trying to discredit my beliefs. I hold my own pretty well. Okay, please just look at those last three sentences. What pride. What credit I give myself. Maybe it's just coming into adulthood or my trials(aka lessons from above) or someone bluntly telling me, but I have zero idea of what I'm talking about. I kind of got a good look at myself through others eyes and what I saw was not the good little Christian I had told myself I was. I am thee perfect stereotype of a good "PK." I grew up in a Lutheran home, raised by Lutheran parents, went to a Lutheran grade school and a Lutheran high school. Okay, so I'm a great Lutheran through and through. Way to go, Grace. However, what kind of Christian are you? Lets dig really deep here and take a long hard look at who you are. And whose you are. The irony in desiring to be a humble Christian is the pride of doing it. True humility comes through and only from Jesus himself. These new friends of mine are some of the most selfless people I have ever met. Everything they do, they do as an instrument of Christ. They live in the world with the knowledge they are not of it. There is no pompous notion of "we good Christians" or credit to themselves. It is about Jesus. That is it. I sat and talked for a couple hours talking history and the bible with one of my new friends this past weekend. He went into a near frenzy of excitement telling me of the timeline laid before us on this earth. He caused me to focus on areas of Scripture I had never even considered. And after hours of absorbing and little sleep, I have finally been able to understand what I was missing. Nothing matters but Jesus. And the bible is thee only tool needed to accomplish His work. 

I read Revelations on Sunday from start to finish and my mind began to understand this timeline. So maybe all of these pulls and tugs and "humbling" experiences I have been experiencing are nothing more than God knocking on my heart to truly allow Him in. Let go of the pride and the "know it all Christian" that I am and to just let Jesus live in me. If He remains in me, I shall remain in Him. It's that simple. 

22

Well. Today is my birthday. Twenty two years I have breathed on this earth. As I look back on my life, one word keeps coming up. I pick through all the good times, sad times, bad times and it still remains the same. I have been given so much. Some of it I took advantage of, some I let slip through my fingers, and even some was taken from me. The copious amounts of lessons learned stack higher and higher as each day comes to a close. I look at even the past 365 days of my life and I am amazed at where I now stand. Every single day, I am introduced to new limits I can push myself to and more knowledge I thought I would never learn. And I am no where NEAR where I want to be. This is only the beginning. It is hard to look back and feel like I have come so far and am still waiting. Yet when I look at the details, I know I am right where I need to be. Here and now. I stand in humble awe at all I have been given. It would be easy to say that life still sucks and is hard and today I still feel the weight of loneliness on my shoulders, but it is easier to say I live a beautiful life filled with so many people I love more than anything. I am provided for every single day and want for nothing. I am free to love and be loved. It doesn't get much better than that. Words can't begin to cover just how many people I have in my life that encourage me and love me. No two words can describe any of this. Only one truly suffices. Blessed.

From A to B

There are few words to further explain my devotion the other night. This one hit like a ton of bricks. I'm struggling with control again as always. Wanting to control my life and giving it all up to God again. I spent the weekend at my parents with a couple of my siblings. Being with them is always so amazing. However, I always feel like as I drive away, I am shown just how far off I am in my own life. They keep me grounded, but how can I do it myself apart from them? How can I fight my insecurities and all the evil without constantly having them by my side? I deal with a lot of guilt. A guilt of being a burden on people in my life and making the wrong decision. I often feel like a small child constantly being reprimanded.  I don't want to be a child anymore when I have worked so hard to be an adult. I guess it's all just part of getting from A to B. 

Buying My Time

Goodness. Where to begin. I guess it's just due time for one of my meltdowns in the constant limbo of life. I have been living with my sister in law and nieces for over 2 months now. I love it. It brings me copious amounts of joy. My nieces are such great girls and I am so blessed to have them in my life. I have been officially dubbed my sister in law's "wife" until my brother returns in July. I recently was texting my old roommate and one of the things we love to talk about is food we ve cooked lately. As I was going through some of the menu items I had made recently, she quickly responds with a "Who are you?" I laughed and said "Honestly, Im a housewife." I have never felt exceptionally good at anything in my life. I say that in blunt honesty. I don't do anything really well. I'm not musically inclined, good with numbers, artistic or athletic. There is only one thing I do even close to well, and that is being a house wife. I am thriving right now in such a setting. Staying home with my niece and doing all things needed to run a household is my element. It's great and I love it. I am really good at taking care of other people and managing their lives. I can't help but get sad sometimes because as great as it is, it's not mine. This beautiful life I am currently "babysitting" is not my own. At the end of the day, I still crawl into my bed and remember I am alone. And I know in my heart that I am growing and learning and my life is in Gods timing. I guess what I am saying is don't let me fool you, I have nothing figured out. I am just buying my time until I can begin my own life.

Definition

What defines an individual? There are so many options to choose from its almost as if someone is creating their own sandwich. Which constantly changes doesn't it? So if we re always changing how can one truly define themselves? I can't even say that being a brunette "defines" me. Lets say tomorrow I dye my hair blonde. Brunette no longer fits my said definition. Regardless, you see my point. You could even go as far as to pose the question of "what defines a definition?" I feel as if I am constantly RE defining myself. I won't lie. It's kind of exhausting. My current pitches have been all curve lately and it's causing a bit of confusion in my mind. For once though, I can safely say these come from a strict logical sense and not the typical emotional roller coaster ride. A friend asked me today "who are you??" Of course this was in reference to my recent boost in cooking skills but it led me to really look in the mirror once more and ask the question. Logically, I am Grace Joy Dahlke, born to Reverend James and Claudia Dah... Blah blah blah. But I'm serious here. How does one define themself?
I don't have answers to the ever so many questions. So I will give you some facts. Facts, I believe and know to be true in my heart. I am loved by a God so much that just simply promising me a perfect kingdom wasn't enough. He felt the need to prove it. And proving it meant allowing the world to define His one and only Son. Jesus was and is defined by the world as a hypocrite, a liar and a poser. He was scoffed at and ridiculed because God wanted to show me He means I business when it comes to His love. That my friends is a definition I am willing to be ok with. I have always viewed God as this loving character and not so much the strict Old Testament God we ve read about. And maybe this is where I stumble the most. I know the law and gospel go hand in hand so why can't I just love like the gospel and leave the law to God? Where do we find the balance of loving each other yet fufilling our duty to call each other into repentance? In James it says God is a judging but is also merciful. And that mercy trumps judgement. So where does it all find peace?

Letter to a Love unknown

Dearest Loved,
Wherever you are, whoever you are, know you are loved. Loved in a way that is stronger than any other love. Strong enough to conquer every hard day and trial to come. You are loved more every day that passes. The days that are the hardest are those that my love is the greatest. I wait for the day you emerge from the shadows and take a full form in my mind.  Every night brings me joy in knowing the next morning is another day closer to you. My prayers are that you are safe and want for nothing.
                   To the other half of my heart, love and be loved.
             

Trying to make of it

  A dump of the overture of negative emotions and thoughts that run through my head daily.

*A world of options. They seem to be endless these days. Is this a bad thing? Absolutely not. Are they what I expected? Not even close. I keep trying to tackle this world I live in with the mindset of what I have learned thus far. I keep thinking I will have this moment where it all makes sense. A second of clarity. All it is is more options. More questions. More turns. I never would have thought I would be where I am today. Ever. I never knew where my life would lead really so I guess this shouldn't be all that surprising. Keep in mind I am in fact referring to more than "here" as living in Omaha, Nebraska in my brother's basement. (:

*Understanding. Educating. Learning. Reacting. Listening. Hearing. Speaking. Living.

*Knowledge.

*We are who we make ourselves correct? We are given a free will to make choices. God is all knowing. He made us. He created our lives. So did He give us a starting and ending point and lets us choose how to get there or has He already made those decisions for us?

*My brain refuses to let go. It won't accept what I know to be true and just let what is, be. I don't even know what is real and what was. It hurts. And I hate it.

*Understanding is a concept I am becoming irritated with. I feel as if I do not understand ANYTHING. Like literally nothing. I feel like an idiot 99.9% of the time.

*Not worrying or thinking has never been my strong point and I seem to have burned some bridges with people who could always help me process "the crazy" sooooooooooooooooooooo that sucks.

*When and where does it become okay to ask for help?  Why do we have this constant struggle with allowing ourselves to be vulnerable? And by we, I mean me. I am so painfully aware of the constant desire I have to talk things through. Goes back to that damn understanding. I don't understand. I don't understand how I know so much yet know nothing at all.

*I suck. Its pretty much a known fact by nearly every one I have known. I flake. I am over emotional. I exagerate most everything. I am in your face. I talk a lot. I can get loud. I love to hug people. I don't always say things I should and always say things I shouldn't. So sorry I suck.

*I am ready to let go of a weight that has been on me for over a decade. Literally. Its time to say goodbye once and for all.

*Woof. I hate dump sessions. They are exhausting. Happy Friday Ya'll.

The Beginning of the End

I can't believe it's already down to the last few days. I remember talking about "the next six weeks" as if it were yesterday. The past 18 months have been those of more learning and healing. I grew in my relationships and in myself. It wasn't always easy and definitely not what I expected, but here I am. Another chapter ending; another page turning. I am ready and excited. I am leaving this experience on such great terms. It makes a WORLD of a difference. There are no extreme piercings or big sister rescuing required. Just a smile, probably a few good bye tears and a whole lot of "I will see you later"s.

I love Omaha. People scoff so often because it is in "Nebraska." I give it another 5-10 years before that city is in relation to Chicago and NYC. It has more than those other cities though. It's almost this kind of hidden secret. There is a reason people (like my brothers) keep roots there and always come back, calling it home. I happened to have lucked out and be able to be living in the old Dundee district. It's going to be wonderful. I can't wait to build a better relationship with my nieces and sister in law. Stay tuned for future updates on what's to come after this next chapter of 6 months. :D It could end up being quite the adventure.

As I near my last week with these beautiful ladies, I can't help but feel that a small part of me will be remaining in a small Missouri suburb. Love you little smurf babies!

Dig Deep

I have never had any problem with love. I think the first thing I ever knew how to do was love. It comes very naturally to me. I trust upon meeting a personal and am always the optimist. I have in an odd way of priding myself on my strength to "keep calm and carry on." Yeah I have emotional fits here and there, but as it happens, the sun always comes up the next day. Lately I have been struggling with that inner strength. I am reading this book my father gave me called "Grace in Ungracious Places" (great read btw) which is trying to teach me how to forgive myself. It has kind of rocked me to the core so I feel my innards feeling all vulnerable and such. I have done a little backsliding here and there and am trying to reground myself. So many good good things have happened to me the past few years. So many good people. People who have given and taught me more than words can describe. Thank you. Just you. From my knees I feel myself beginning to dig deep and really get my foundation properly laid out. So my encouragement to you this night is to dig deep. Love others but never forget to love yourself. We all need a dose of grace here and there. Take it and exhale. My ex boyfriend was always really great at calming me down when I got upset. He d always tell me to "Breathe babe, just breathe." At first I would want to get mad because I didn't want to stinking breathe, I wanted to be upset! Realizing later, I could still be upset but breathing always cleared my head and allowed me to focus more on the core of the issue. I guess my point in all of this is that these small things like love and grace and breathing all give us an extra edge to dig deep on those days we feel like we have nothing left. And when we fail once again as humans to do so ourselves, One is always waiting with a backup. Blessings, my friends.

Grace in Ungracious Places

I have never felt a huge connection with my namesake. I would always laugh as I stumble around with spilt coffee and leftover lunch down my shirt and think, "I may very well be thee least graceful person I ve ever met." It wasn't until I stood silently in my parents kitchen as the one of many tears rolled off my cheeks that I finally caught a glimpse of true grace. Not of myself but of the purest and truest form of love God gives His children.
As the words of scripture are read from my dad's lips, I begin to understand. My weakness is when God's grace shines the brightest.

I am so very hard on myself when it comes to my shortcomings. I think we all are to a degree. I began a journey of recovery this evening and it I've never believed more that God's grace is truly sufficient. Bless my parents. Ever so patient and kind when it comes to me. I so desperately want to understand and be understood. I want it all to make sense. I want to let go. I want to be heard. I want to not stand and nod when Im screaming on the inside. I want my pride to ask for help. I want to stop calling myself crazy. I just want to be. I don't know what it means to be though. To be and be still. To allow myself to receive the grace so graciously given. However, when all of that is stuck inside me with no words to say, I become this cavity of emotional turmoil. The battle begins in my heart and takes over my brain. It blurs everything and I only feel the painful reminder of healed wounds and deep scar tissue. I consider this an ungracious place.

Time and time again as Christians, we go through this process of "knowing" God and feeling a "connection" with Him through our walk of faith. The instant gratification that my generation has so openly embraced plays a big role. Once I remember feeling so satisfied in church because they made me feel such a close "connection" with God. Then later felt upset because the feel good went away. The good vibes I created were only temporary. Gods grace however, is not. His type of feel good comes in those most ungracious of times. I have been listening to a lot of Christian radio lately and heard something that has really stuck with me. "Sometimes God redeems us from our struggles, and sometimes He redeems us through our struggles." That, my friends, is grace in ungracious places.

As I begin this journey of discovering true grace, my prayer for you is to allow those arms of love so waiting and willing to be encircled around your heart. And I pray you are able to receive your grace given in your ungracious times.

We The People

  Today was the inauguration and swearing in of President Obama for his second term. I have never been very political. I don't know much about politics nor do I feel like I am significant enough to have such a firm or strong opinion. I am, however, an American. I am a citizen of this country. I grew up learning about the history of how we came to be and the leaders that brought us here. I know the Pledge of Allegiance and the Star Spangled Banner. I know that I am free and have rights and liberties many people will never have in their entire existence. I believe in the freedom given to me so willingly by those who fight every day to defend it. I may not be political enough to stand in front of the President and tell him my opinion on foreign policy or how to fix our economy, but I do have a voice. My voice, however, is not directed at the President. My voice is directed at you. At our country. We the people. WE, are what this country is built on. WE are what makes or breaks this nation. There has been 44 presidents in the history of our country. 44 different leaders who have come and gone and yet, here we stand. Our nation is currently at odds because we have a president that many disagree with and believe will break this country. My voice is here to tell you, one man will not break this nation. Our divided opinions, pride and determination to be "right," will. If WE, as a nation do not come together, Obama and Congress aside, we will fall. One man is not to blame for the economy and one man is not going to fix our broken nation. We as citizens of this country are in charge of the future.
  Yes, I understand that the President and Congress have a role in how this country is developed, however they do not control the results. We do. We as a nation need to take back the responsibility of taking care of our country and stop relying on one man to save us all. Only one man has ever done that, and He came hundreds of years ago. I ask you as a fellow citizen to take this step of recovery. Take back our nation from the shoulders of a cheated system and human greed. Power comes from the people. And that my friends, is you.
  All of that being said, I am not implying you march off to D.C demanding our country back. If we all begin in our homes and communities, we gain a rooted base of a change for our nation. It starts with not letting our media determine our opinions and emotions on events that occur. Do your part. Educate yourself apart from what the media portrays. Let us give ourselves something to be proud of again. 
 
 Patriosm : Love for ones country and willingness to sacrifice for it.

I want to love my country as I did as a child. I want to find pride in the decisions made as a nation, not by one man. President Obama is not to blame for the shortcomings in our society today. We are.

Realizations

The new year has brought many new realizations into my life. Some are enlightening, some painful and others just plain humbling. New people have come into my life and others have left. Life has taken on new meaning. So far, the past 11 days have been those of peace and contentment. I'm stronger in my faith and
have begun to take steps to become the person God created me to be.

Yesterday marked the day my older brother, Luke died. Ten years seems like an eternity when you look at it in a futuristic way. However, looking at how fast the past ten years have gone, a decade is nothing. Wow. 10 years. It was an ok day. I am always prepared for those few days out of the year. It's the days that I remember a lost memory or see an old picture that are the hardest. I was blessed to be close to my parents and little brother this year and went home for celebratory spaghetti and root beer. After watching an exciting basketball game from my alma mater, we went to the cemetery. Boom. Then it hit me. My parents arrived seconds after my little brother, Seth and I did. We each said our peace or memories and then after a few minutes of silence, my parents departed. Seth and I couldn't seem to move. We just stood there in the fog, consumed by the past ten years. We talked a little, cried a little more and eventually allowed ourselves to walk away as Seth placed a bottle of root beer beside the statue of a deer next to the words Luke Dahlke.
I ve reached new ground in healing this year. I have told myself every idea of coping possible. And I do truly believe time heals everything. Yet... Maybe not in the way I thought. Time allows for acceptance of the pain, but maybe the pain never truly goes away. I once told a friend it was like a cut that you continue to pick at once it scabs. It eventually heals, but the scar tissue still aches when the weather changes. It's always there just not always noticeable.

When I was at my sisters last weekend, my nephew kept asking his dad, "Is today tomorrow?" My brother in laws response was always, "today is yesterday and tomorrow is tomorrow." I love that. It keeps the days moving and time flowing.

A final thought for this oddly random post. Peace. I pray for peace in everyone's life. Whether its peace of mind or that of heart, I pray for your peace.