Trying to make of it

  A dump of the overture of negative emotions and thoughts that run through my head daily.

*A world of options. They seem to be endless these days. Is this a bad thing? Absolutely not. Are they what I expected? Not even close. I keep trying to tackle this world I live in with the mindset of what I have learned thus far. I keep thinking I will have this moment where it all makes sense. A second of clarity. All it is is more options. More questions. More turns. I never would have thought I would be where I am today. Ever. I never knew where my life would lead really so I guess this shouldn't be all that surprising. Keep in mind I am in fact referring to more than "here" as living in Omaha, Nebraska in my brother's basement. (:

*Understanding. Educating. Learning. Reacting. Listening. Hearing. Speaking. Living.

*Knowledge.

*We are who we make ourselves correct? We are given a free will to make choices. God is all knowing. He made us. He created our lives. So did He give us a starting and ending point and lets us choose how to get there or has He already made those decisions for us?

*My brain refuses to let go. It won't accept what I know to be true and just let what is, be. I don't even know what is real and what was. It hurts. And I hate it.

*Understanding is a concept I am becoming irritated with. I feel as if I do not understand ANYTHING. Like literally nothing. I feel like an idiot 99.9% of the time.

*Not worrying or thinking has never been my strong point and I seem to have burned some bridges with people who could always help me process "the crazy" sooooooooooooooooooooo that sucks.

*When and where does it become okay to ask for help?  Why do we have this constant struggle with allowing ourselves to be vulnerable? And by we, I mean me. I am so painfully aware of the constant desire I have to talk things through. Goes back to that damn understanding. I don't understand. I don't understand how I know so much yet know nothing at all.

*I suck. Its pretty much a known fact by nearly every one I have known. I flake. I am over emotional. I exagerate most everything. I am in your face. I talk a lot. I can get loud. I love to hug people. I don't always say things I should and always say things I shouldn't. So sorry I suck.

*I am ready to let go of a weight that has been on me for over a decade. Literally. Its time to say goodbye once and for all.

*Woof. I hate dump sessions. They are exhausting. Happy Friday Ya'll.