Multiple Accounts

I realized today that I have multiple accounts for almost every social media profile. Why is this? Am I the only one who wants a piece away from all those people who already have so much of me? I started a foodie Instagram account about a month ago and I LOVE IT! I feel like it is a special place for all the things I truly love outside of my day to day grind. I have the greatest job. I get to work with three incredible tiny humans and I post pictures of them constantly on my first account. But my new account for some reason, I want to be void of that specific hat I wear. Is it an identity crisis? It could be. I sometimes have to go home and remind myself I am a single, 24 year old woman who has lots of freedom and love left to give the world. It's really easy to sink into this hole of being the single caretaker of 3 kids who suck me dry of everything I have. That I can only come home and sit in front of the TV and live vicariously through the life of characters. 

Those are lies.. And some days I believe them. Today isn't one of those days though. Today I believe in my ability to work 14 hours, go home, love on my dog, read a good book and have a conversation with my roomies. Or grab a drink with a friend after a long day. Or find a food truck for late night street fries. Because I live in this world. I can wear many hats and love many things. I have no identity outside of Christ, which frees me to identify with what I wish. So here are a few of my favorite things this week.

My dog who I feel like I never have time for and loves me anyways 

I wasn't kidding about those street fries. Thank you, Local Motive! 

My Crossfit gym lets me bring my dog inside while I workout. They re so great. I love my gym. 

My niece did my hair and make up one weekend and I felt like a million bucks! My short hair allows me to do lots of fun retro do's. 

I once went to a music festival and flirted my way into free beer because I sometimes open my mouth and say funny and clever words. 

It is unknown to me, even now, why I love men and bears so much... Large, hairy creatures. It's weird. No, I'm serious.. Look at my phone case... 

My 14 year old niece once designed me a chest tattoo and to this day, think it's super rad and would love to get it one day. She is so awesome. 

Ok.. One more. 

Cheers!! 

The Grand Optimist

I consider myself to be an optimist. I think mostly because I want to believe in the good of this life. I want to believe in the best of people. I want to experience the good, give the good, set an individual up to succeed. We live in such a pessimistic world where everyone's out to put themselves on the top. Lately, I have found myself absorbing some of that pessimism. Adulthood is once again proving to be a little harder than expected. It's a constant balancing act. The good with bad, the hard with easy, the simple and the complicated. We hear the series of "do this and that, but no no, not that or this." How are we suppose to know what's right for us in the end? How do we see the forest when we re so thick in the underbrush? I have lived many of my days in a constant attempt to keep control of the events in my life. The last 6 humbling months have reminded me, I have no control. So here I am, trying to control how uncontrollable my life is. I guess I just figured that God and my faith would keep my life clean cut and easy. Well it's not that simple. The devil rules this earth and he does NOT make anything easy. Or clean cut. I feel like in light of all my enlightenement, I have discovered how messy I actually am. Since very young, my sense of worth has been off base. My identity was placed in my roles instead of my Lord. It might still be. It changes day to day. I guess all I can conclude is the black and white world I was raised in is way more grey than I ever imagined it could be. So as a grand optimist, I keep plugging along, knowing to expect the world's pessimism around the corner waiting for me. Thank God for His abounding grace because I don't know if I want to face it without the light at the end of the tunnel.

"He was the Grand Optimist, I'm the world's Poor Pessimist." 

         The Grand Optimist-CityandColour

The Chopping Block

"What are you doing?!?!?"

"What do you think they'd do if they really knew who you are? Wait... Who are you really?" 

"You re tainted goods. Such talk of that love doesn't apply to you."

 "Maybe you do not get the happy ending." 

"If you choose that, you will be wrong." 

"You are too weak to be who they want you to be." 

"You are not worthy of that." 

"Everything you thought you knew, is false."

"You. Are. Alone." 

I started this draft a couple weeks ago and as I began to finish it, asked myself what I wanted to accomplish in what I wrote. Here is the harsh reality. These words above are all lies. Falsehoods. Tainted truth. Misguided thoughts. Worldly definitions. Yet somehow, I found myself believing every word. We, as women, as children, as sisters, as friends, or aunts or mothers or whoever we are, are not always kind to ourselves. We let those lies reign true in our hearts. We have those moments where we actually believe the ugliness. This isn't just specific to women, men fight their own demons, but I, as a woman, want to speak to women. These are my words. My lies. My insecurities and doubts. I am coming out of a rather destructive season in my young adulthood. These words had very specific details to replaced the "this," "thats," and "thems." I found myself in such a self destructive state, I was fighting falsehoods and lies I hadn't heard of since high school. The devil dug real deep this time. No insecurity left unturned. These are specific to me and my walk. I can imagine yours are just as loud sometimes. Just as hurtful and always as harmful. Do you ever get tired of shutting them up? I do. I did. What I found in letting the lies and falsehoods rule my mind and heart was way more work. Mostly because I actually had to do work. As Christians, we know we have a savior who comes to us. He met us down here on this broken earth to prove in one more way, that we need not do anything. If you are like me in this way, you might struggle with that reality. Who am I to be offered such love and pursual? Who would travel to such a broke place to DIE so I could live forever. That seems like a lot of pressure. With a lot of strings attached. Accepting such a gift seems wasted on me somehow. As I search through Christian doctrines, I find myself with so many questions and confusions as to why grace is so abundant for some, but in the shadows for others. I digress on that for now. Back to how important loving women is! 

Since I am in a current cooking frenzy, let me give you a gourmet food analogy. Think of those fancy five star restaraunts where you pay a million bucks for 3 bites of insanely good food.  As women, we re often put on the chopping block. We dice ourselves into sizes and shapes we want to be perceived as or the expectation we think others desire. Then we re expected to be placed beautifully on those stark white plates in perfection and grace. No smudges and clean edges. Often times I feel like as soon as I'm set out there in said perfection, I am taken and placed in front of a 18month old toddler. If you have any and I mean ANY experience with toddlers, you have the exact image in your head I was trying to paint. Disasterous. The comfort in this is regardless of where our little pieces end up; under the table, across the room, in the candles, caked to the chair; God always comes in and cleans us up. Finds every piece and wipes away every smudge. What comfort. What frustration. Why can't we just not be placed in front of the toddler!?! Why can't it be be a civil human being with manners and utensils!? 

So as I struggle to replace harsh lies with truth, I find the prep of becoming a new dish really messy. No ones ever sees the kitchen, just the final product. Don't forget about what it takes to become those dishes of grace and beauty. Remember this when you re frustrated with the cashier at the grocery store, or the maniac lady in the mini van ahead of you, or even those close to you. We can't see everyone's kitchen. Let's be kinder to ourselves and others. My fellow women, know you re not alone. Remember that most of all. Cheers! 

The Playlist

So last week I went for a run. It was one of those that carried all the weight of the world. The one where the music was so loud, you felt as if your ear drums were going to rupture. The run that pounded out all the uncontrollable emotions every time your feet hit the pavement. It was going to be brutal and I knew it. I had put together a running playlist on Spotify filled with songs that carried some of the weight but also ones that would push me to keep going. As I placed my earbuds in and turned down the sidewalk, I felt the first song fill my ears and travel through my veins. As my feet picked up speed, I felt my lip quiver and my heart flutter as the emotions traveled side by side with the oxygen through my body. I kept hearing the voice in my head screaming as "Jungle" by the X-Ambassadors sang words into my ears. I hurt. Everywhere. I couldn't think. My brain was so clouded. "What the hell are you doing?!????" was all my brain kept screaming at me. 

I didn't know. I couldn't answer this question the week before and now was no different.  What was I doing? Who was I? How did I reach this point again? Ugh... Music gets turned up louder as I just keep going. New song. Oh crap.. This one was a killer. Damn you, Ellie Goulding and your beautiful lyrics. "Anything can happen.." Pfft. Yeah, well clearly!! As I cursed every song that filled my ears, I found myself circling out of my neighborhood. 

Music has always been special to me. I think it has a similar effect on everyone which is why it's so universal. There is something in it that allows us to store our emotion. I can be a complete wreck and listen to a song and just dump all said emotions into the song and somehow feel better. It's incredible. So there I was. Pounding and pouring all my unbearable emotions into this playlist. I kept running til I couldn't anymore. Then I stopped and would turn and look around me for clarity. It didn't come so I would go again, hoping it d clear. Eventually, I found myself on the front porch of my brother in laws. I knocked and they seemed surprised to see me there a sweaty, emotional mess. We had some good talks followed by my ever remaining question, "What the hell am I doing??" 

A week has gone by. Clarity finally showed up in the form of a light blue Gatorade and a Sunday morning sermon. 

So today...I went for a run. It was one of those runs where you had no idea if it would be good or bad. Level playing field to start off. No overbearing emotions but still some in there that could stew up. I put my ear buds in as the first song from last weeks playlist filled my head. I stretched and smiled as I felt the beat pick up tempo. Let's go. So off I went. And people... It was one of the best runs I have ever had.(Coming from one of the worst runners in history.)

Every song that carried so much weight last week only filled me with sweet memories and moments now. Remembering how the words cut before helped them soar today. This is one of the reasons I play songs and playlists on repeat. When I'm happy and when I'm sad. Songs carry weight. Emotion. Power. I smiled as I made my last loop to come to the end of my block. The song that brought me to tears last week rang in my ears the rest of tonight. It was a sweet reminder of the temporary. I talked about happiness being temporary in my last blog. Well so is misery. 

  Cheers! 

To care or not to care

Uh

Okay Pinterest... You are full of life changing quotes, motivation, fashion sense and crazy good food, however this one.... This one I want to tear to shreds. I read this and I got mad. So mad. Okay, I get it. Don't sweat the small stuff, it ll make you unhappy. But really? The less you care, the happier you will be... No. I disagree with that. Not caring leads to complete destruction. Caring has led me into one of my biggest life messes currently, so when I read this it was a joke to me. Yet, my ability to care makes me happy. Caring is a double edged sword. You do get hurt sometimes by caring. And for someone who thrived off of deep rooted pain for 23 years, the chance of getting hurt isn't too scary for me. But I think of not caring, and that's way more fearful. If you don't care, you miss something. You miss the chances, the carpe diems, the growth. The less you care, the more shallow you remain. There is no depth. No roots. Low risk, low gain. Caring is high risk. With high risk, you might not find happiness but maybe... Just maybe you may find Joy. And that my friends is something worth caring about.

I ve been taking a lot of risks lately....Both stupid risks and smart risks. What I found was happiness. But happiness is fleeting. Happiness is temporary. Happiness is the quick fix. About 3 weeks in and I feel my desire for joy returning because the flakiness of being happy is stressful!! 

I stole this from my sister's blog and I hope there are more of these being posted. Joy. Find joy. 

So here.. Let's try this one. 

The MORE you care, the greater depths of happiness you find. 

 

Cheers, friends! 

Birds, Boys, Babies and Bullets

*So I have had a lot of inquiries lately about how my "unsocial year" is going. 

It has been good. And hard. And surprising. And a little sad at times. I use my phone less yet I still find my fingers flying across the keys as I am in contact with all those I love, trying to stay up to date. So I now wonder if life has gained speed on and off the social media. Maybe it is just the way we all live now. Minute to minute. Update to update. It's been much easier to get busy and in a routine and forget about all those outside of my immediate world. I miss Facebook on the days I know the new posts about babies and engagements are being announced. I always feel a little bit like I am "missing out on something." I haven't felt a need for it though. Even throughout the sad moments, I try and think of the moments I have shared being intentional and personable with old and new friends. I have no regrets so far. 

*As for updates on my life... Let's see. I went on a cruise with my nanny family back in Feburary. It was so much fun and  I was once again reminded what great people I work for. 

St. Thomas of the Virgin Islands 

San Juan, Puerto Rico 

It was a rough week in the Carribean. 

*So remember my post a while back about singlehood and how frustrated I was? Well when it rains, it mother flippin pours. Within 24 hours last week, I went from zero to four men from my past and present pursuing me for some level of relationship. What the French, Toast?!? It was overwhelming and I have laughed only once at the irony. I have cried way more. I eat my words. I think I'd much rather be frustrated in singleness than frustrated in multiple pursuals. In one week my life kind of took a drastic turn. Im laying here still trying to grasp what all happened. So naturally, I found this to be the best time to go get my tattoo I have been planning on for about a year now. 

*This is directly from one of my Grandmothers letters to me. She was having a hard day with her eyesight so she wrote, "Hello-Bye-Love, will write again tomorrow." It was perfect. I wanted to get it before she died and even told her about it but never got it done. Well yesterday was the day. It took 5 minutes and I only really flinched once so obviously that can lead you to believe tattoos are in fact, addicting. I'm satisfied with mine for now and don't have any others in mind for a while. I absolutely love it and I am so grateful to my artist for making it so exact that when I catch a look of it in the mirror I don't see words, I see my Grandmothers handwriting. Which means way more than the words. 

*Also, I have a new little nugget of a niece. Meet Violet Ada. She was born when I was on my cruise but goodness, she had me wrapped up as soon as I received the first picture. Sweet girl. So excited to have another girl in the family. Her big sister Julia, is one of my favorites here in O. 

*There are very few 14 year olds this cool, you guys. I love her heart and can't wait for her to keep growing into the beautiful woman that she is. 

*Spring is in the air and my nanny kiddos are growing like the weeds in the yard. This fall they will be 6,4,2. How is that possible???? I have made a stable commitment to them and am excited to know I'll be staying put for awhile. 

* I am moving out of my brothers house next month. I will be rooming with two girlfriends of mine. It will be wonderful and I'm excited for the next chapter of my life. I do get sad when I think of how much I will miss these moments. The girls grow up in front of me when I live with them... It's going to be crazy seeing them from afar even after a week. 

*Well that's been the last couple months... Looking back it's been a whirlwind of crazy good stuff. Life, people. It keeps going. 

 

 Cheers. 

Be.

The struggle is real, my friends. 

What struggles are real, you ask.  Mornings? Routine? Exercise? Life? Faith? Love? Happiness? All of the above and more?? Pick one. I am lying here in bed as the children snooze silently on our second to last night on our Disney Cruise to the Caribbean. I'll be honest, I was nervous before we left 6 days ago. I have traveled with my nanny family before, but never like this. My first time on a cruise, along with all of us in unfamiliar territory. We were also traveling with three OTHER families besides ours. On a boat. In the middle of the ocean. You can see my hesitation. I knew it d be a great trip, I just didn't know where the great would come from. The great came from the humid air filling my lungs as we landed in Florida on day one. The great came from the sun baking my skin to a crisp because of the clear skies we had every single day. The great came in the taste of salt water going down my nose in the Virgin Islands as I swam in the ocean. The great came in the richest form of food in my belly served by people from all over the world. The great came as I stood on the top deck with the wind blowing so hard my ears rang and there was nothing but water and sky for hundreds of miles. The great really came as I rolled over laughing with my boss while the kids talked a mile a minute when the sugar highs hit their veins. They said some of the most hilarious stuff. Where do they come up with it?? The great came in parading three 4year old princesses around the ship in their ball gowns for all to see. The great came in the form of a raspberry mojito and a conversation with a lovely looking South African bartender. ;) (Am I right?!??) 

I could go on and on about all the amazing greats this trip held for me. Truly, it has been one of the most fun weeks I have had in years. I am so honored my family values me so much to include me in their adventures and life happenings. I was, however, surprised. I was surprised of what I didn't feel. All these amazing things were happening to me and I was seeing such beautiful creations of God, yet... I didn't feel much of anything in that regard. I was overwhelmed by the beauty but not by the maker. And honestly... I think maybe that is ok? I might be off track here, but I think the greatest part of my trip was that I could just... Be. There was no weight of redemption or salvation on my heart or mind. No struggle of being holy in an unholy world. Nothing. I just lived and breathed. I think I got so caught up in the fine tuning of my faith and life back home that I forgot to just be. I do believe in Christ. And I do love Jesus. That's all I needed this past week. I wasn't trying to be a better lover of Jesus or my fellow believers. I wasn't trying to prove to myself or anyone that I have what it takes to fight the good fight. (Which is dumb because it's already been won,but you get my point.) I just believed and it was enough. At first, I was concerned. Why wasn't I feeling this amazing closeness to God as I witness his glory?! Is this a sign of a lack of faith?? Is this a heart issue? I had so many questions and then bam. I just shut it all down. Be. Sometimes.. Just being is enough. And sometimes, it's ok to just let God love you from where you are. Near or far. So don't question your faith or heart if you sometimes find yourself exactly where you re at. I can almost promise you, that's right where you need to be. 

Heart of the Issue

    So I'm suppose to make a list. A list of the qualities I want in a future spouse. I guess they can be negotiable and/or non negotiable. I get to decide what it will look like. You see, the danger in this is my heart. My heart is quite fragile when it comes to feelings about my future husband.
   When I was a little girl, I never dreamed about how I would save lives as a doctor or stand up for the law in court. I never pictured myself behind a desk writing code or standing in front of a classroom teaching addition. When I dreamt of my future I saw myself sitting in a rocking chair soothing a teething baby. I saw myself fixing beautiful meals as my husband walked in from work. I saw myself elbow deep in my garden or planting flowers with my daughter as my mother did with me. These were my dreams. This was what I wanted for my life. And I saw it happening as it did for almost all of my elder siblings. Meet a great guy in high school/college, fall in love, get married and be a wife and mother. My role models have always been my mother and sisters. Each of them were married by my age. I thought it was beautiful and figured my fate would be the same. At least that was my desire. Well high school came and there were not so many great guys, and none came and swept me off my feet. This confused me. Made me feel like it was something I did wrong. Why did I not have the life I so desired and envied? Why was fate not happening for me? It was a battle I fought for years. Even after finding peace in my singlehood, I have to fend off these doubts more often than not. As a Christian, I have found true peace in God's diligence and faithfulness in my future, however that doesn't always take away my wordly skepticism.
     Now would be the best assumed time to make the "list", right? I'm single with no limitations whatsoever on who my husband could be! Here is a catch though. My views of who my husband is and what he means to me is much different now than it was when I was that 14 year old freshman, dreaming of the next four years. This list hits the heart of the issue because that requires me to make a physical reality of my singlehood and the true desires of my heart. Which, all my single ladies can agree, is HARD! When we have to actually admit the struggle of being single it causes us to shine light on that giant insecurity. Don't get me wrong, I'm all about the numerous Hello Giggles articles of "rocking your single 20s" and using this time to "learn to love yourself first." However, I pose a question. What does it look like to embrace the pang of loneliness? As great as it may be to "not have to answer to anyone" or "binge watch all of Friends on Netflix," I still find myself wanting of someone by my side. Let's just embrace the truth of singlehood as being super sucky. Now we can go on to encourage each other in that struggle instead of ignoring it. Let us rise up and embrace it by using our time to love each other more. Use all the energy we would pour into our significant other and put that into one another. Because deep down we know pouring it back into ourselves does nothing. Pouring into other singles who are struggling too allows us to love well. It is entirely too easy to isolate ourselves because it is so much easier than being upfront with the pain. I can speak to the numerous attempts of isolation I have tried. Mercifully, I am in a place where I am surrounded by people who don't allow that. If you are able to isolate yourself, try and step out of that. I know it is hard. So hard. However, being honest and vulnerable with another single can open an opportunity to join forces in the fight!
     So here I sit before you, eyes full of tears, admitting my singlehood as a struggle. It's real. And it's valid. I know I am young. I know I have value. I know there is "someone wonderful" out there for me. I know I could try Internet dating. I know "my time will come." I know all these things. But what I don't know yet is what is on my list. And I think I should figure that out first. Or maybe instead, I should make a list of the qualities I can bring to my marriage. I should make both, actually.  I want to be transparent in this. The life I painted in my head based off my mother and sisters' lives was what I thought I knew. As I matured, I saw that is their stories. Their lives. The ones God has blessed them with. Each is full of their own struggles and hardships that come with the beauty. Mine, although it may look different, is still playing out. And tomorrow, I might post about a boy who showed up "when I was least expecting it." Or maybe it will be in a week, or a year. Whenever he does arrive, I know that he will blow whatever list I make out of the water because he will be mine. And well worth the wait and struggle of singlehood. Until then, rise up my fellow singles! Rise up and know you are valid. You are valued. And you are not alone in the sad days. Don't let those discourage the good ones. Be encouraged that your loneliness does not make you alone. Cheers!

Disheartened

Dishearten: (verb) to take away the enthusiasm of 

So this past week was a doozy. I have felt a grey cloud over me and a disheartened spirit. I ended up getting sick again with a head cold along with all three of the kids I take care of. That was frustrated as we ALL had just had strep less than a month ago. I guess that's expected post antibiotics but nonetheless, disheartening. 

I have felt my heart transform the past couple months as Christ took full residence there. What an amazing time it has been seeing my desires change and holiness enter into my life through the Spirit. Wow. With that though has come this adjustment to not desiring such worldly things. It has made me more self aware and insecure as I have no control over these areas of my life anymore. So with all the good, I have felt so small and insecure in myself. Humility was the only level of pridelessness I have ever experienced. This is a whole new level. So with that, I have been disheartened. 

I miss my parents. Much more than normal lately. I think this child like newness I feel in my life makes me crave nurturing from them. They are so available and only a phone call away, but the distance and their lack of physical appearance in my life these days are just disheartening. 

There was an incident last week with a girlfriend of mine and a boy that left some hurt feelings all around. Don't be misled, it was a very juvenile incident. With all the effort I had been putting in to try cultivating strong female relationships to only be set back by a silly boy is nothing short of disheartening. 

Disheartenment (whoa, big word) is something that comes with the ins and outs of life. I am not stuck here nor think there is only doom in my future. It's actually quite the opposite. This past week of being so disheartened has only reminded me of the constant pursual Christ has on my heart. My church recently released a cd and we celebrated in worship tonight. I'll write about that in the next couple days as it is so deserving of a whole post. Blessings on your week, friends! Cheers! 

One Week In

So here I find myself already a week into my "unsocial year." The first couple days were alarming consumed by my brain mentally checking in on Facebook and Instagram. My phone is now one consolidated screen and I find myself scrolling to the nonexistent other screen anytime I am using it. It's quite annoying. I found myself putting my phone down and walking away in defiance of a device consuming me so much. The biggest difference I have found is I was bored..for the first time in YEARS! Like I sat down and went..well what now? Which led me to pick up a book and in just one week I finished a 500+page book, started a "reading through the bible in a year" plan, began journaling again and just generally found myself in a better mood. Once I lifted my head up and out of the big world, I looked and my small world around me came into focus. And it's a great world, people. I don't think all of these things are tied in directly to social media, but it does speak volumes to my discipline. Which we knew was lacking. It has only increased my drive to simplify my life and enjoy those in front of me. So one week down, 51 to go and 2015 is still looking bright!! I have not regrets and am still claiming this next year to be my best yet!