Irrepressible Good

      

Yesterday afternoon someone I care for very much, hurt me. Hurt me in a completely thoughtless and cowardly way. So I spent today hurting. Not like that dull ache that comes and goes when you are sad or missing someone. The hurt that left me temporarily curled up in my bed not able to really move or comprehend reality. A hurt that three years ago, would have led me to the darkest corners of my heart and mind. We all have those corners. They are scary places to unintentionally find yourself. So out of some heavenly gates, my people showed up. One after another, they called, they crawled into bed with me, held me, let me cry and validated every pin sticking in my heart. I found myself laying there thinking that if this happened three years ago, I wouldn't have told them I was hurting. I would have just laid in misery, telling myself I deserved everything I was getting. I would have believed I had done something wrong. I would have lived in doubt, guilt shame and fear.
So today, amidst a really, really hard day, I learned something about myself I would never acknowledge before. I am worth loving.

     Let it be known I live the largest chunk of my life as a grand optimist. I try and see the good in even the worst of situations, regardless of how messy it might be. Sometimes it takes me a little longer than others to find it, but most would agree, I am a pretty good at digging it up.

   I believe that we as people are good. A theologist somewhere and a whole hoot of others will come after me for saying that, but I do, in the very heart of my being, believe that. We were originally made perfect as per design but fell into utter brokenness. So whether we are broken first or good first, take it to mentioned theologist.

  Here is my case. If we choose as a human race to stop seeing good in people, what, I ask, what is the friggin' point? People make thee most horrible and unimaginable decisions possible because they live in a broke world. They cant help it. Myself included. I have done and said things that have hurt others and myself. Nothing you or I do will fix that. But what we can do, is set each other up to thrive. If we fail, we made a bad decision. That doesn't mean from there on out, we will continue to do so. But if we pigeon hole each other after a bad decision, we re all doomed. "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." My version of that is "Fine, shame on me twice, but please for the love of a merciful God, do not do this to anyone else." Learn from your decisions, whether they be good or bad. Because I promise you, every single one you make.. effects someone. I saw the greatest good in this person that hurt me. Yet when it came down to it, they made a really bad decision. And it effected me A TON. But I know in my heart this person is good. I experienced it. Knew it. Was familiar with it. This does not mean they get to remain in my life, but it does mean I somehow still believe that they can follow up a bad decision with a good one later on. Even if I never get to experience it again. Let me point out, no amount good fixes the brokenness. Its impossible so don't try. Just counter it. Push for balance because man, you guys, misery sucks. Real, real bad. If you don't believe you have that goodness in you, come pay me a visit. Ill find it. Apparently to a fault. A blindsiding fault.

  Our good is irrepressible. Its in there somewhere hidden between other broken pieces. I have to believe good comes regardless of brokenness or else I get too burdened by it. Especially today. Investment in people's good can leave you hurt. My sister has always told me that. Sometimes we hurt those we love the most. It comes with loving people. It comes with being a human being. It comes with this life. At least in mine it does. I can't seem to believe the worst even when its staring at me directly in the face. Which is why we all need people. They re pretty good at standing guard for us.

   My dad told me this once when I was in those dark corners :"Its a bad day, babe. Not a bad life." I hated him in that moment because I wanted more than just one day to be miserable. :) So take your days, take your moments, but please get back up and keep fighting. We need your good. Even if its with some bad and brokenness. I guess tomorrow I will get up and go find myself another broken fool with buried good.

Politics

So here's your cliche start to any good political rant "I'm not big into politics but..." Or "I never say anything about so and so but.." 

Here is my big 'ol fat 'BUT' for you... 

Donald Trump. Republican nominee for President of the United States of

America. Never have I ever had such a strong opinion about anyone in my life. 

As most any of you know, last week released the first of now many allegations  of Trumps sexual indiscretions both verbal and physical. That article. That clip. It struck a chord with me. I have learned a lot about myself in these 25 years on earth. One of them is this: I am very good at down playing deeply felt and highly reactive emotions I have towards something controversial. I am a people pleaser. I don't want to cause conflict if there isn't any and want everyone to find a happy balance. A grand optimist in all outcomes. So as it turns out, I had a very deep and highly reactive response to hearing Donald Trump say he "could do anything" and "grab them by the p****." Let me tell you just how deep those words hurt. As a woman, who has been "grabbed by the p****" and demoralized as to nothing more than a play thing, I am appalled. I am appalled that this is the IMAGE we are giving to our daughters and sons as someone who stands by what the Relublican represents. This is the man who will not just "be in office 4 years til we come up with something better." This man will be sworn into the history of our country as a voice, a face and a mark maker for so many years to come. 

I posted the article about the leaked video of Trump's "locker room talk" with a plea to all my Facebook friends to not vote for him. Of course, it spiked many unwanted comments about voting and the "politics" of it. What I didn't expect was a text from a longtime friend. She said in light of my FB post, she felt it on her heart to tell me she was going to vote for Trump. I was taken aback but wasn't super surprised she was choosing the Republican Party. So fast forward a week later and here I lie in bed at 3 in the morning, unable to shake off why that text was bothering me so much. I ended up texting her back and explaining why I couldn't vote for Trump and why my plea was so adamant. But then after reading it, I started to cry. I was suddenly overcome by the helplessness of our broken world. We, as just people, are broken. We as an American society are broken. And it's not going to be fixed by a great president, or an agreeable Congress or religion or every day being free pie day.(although I support that.) We have to start in our homes. In our neighborhoods and in our children. Gone are the days without Internet and not having access to the world. We can't protect them and their innocence like our parents did with us. We can only educate them. Teach them the difference between words and actions and how both are harmful and have weight. Teach them respect and conviction to take a stand. Teach them to be passionate but to do no harm. Teach them to love. Because if nothing else, simply loving a broken person can change the trajectory of their life and all the lives they interact with. It is impossible for us as finite humans to change the heart of another person. But we can love them well. Despite all their. crap. Sadly, all of that doesn't change the fact that we still have to vote on Nov.4th... So when it comes to that, I can't tell you what to do. 

So in conclusion to my political rant... Please love well. Be better. Because I truly believe in goodness. It's there. Let's dig deeper, my friends. 

Cheers! 

Observations

Some observations I have about life and my day so far. 

*Nanny life... It isn't easy. It's compared to being a parent often, but I would not consider it remotely close. Being a nanny isn't better or worse, it's just different. Like any interaction with a human, you have a relationship with the kids you take care of. It's not like a mommy or daddy relationship. It's unique to itself. I spend give or take 50hours a weeks it's these kiddos. They are who I interact with the most every day. They re my friends, my comedic relief, my dose of reality, my depths of despair and always my questionable levels of insanity. I think about them when they re not around. I always pray that they behave well for their parents at night. That they will follow through on all the hard work we put in every day. It's a beautiful picture to paint, but being a nanny is hard. It's my life but it's also my job. My job is based around their levels of education and are they meeting required milestones. My life is showing them to see life through many scopes, teaching them to think outside of themselves and to be something bigger. Giving them the freedom of independence and cultivating kindness. I want them to be great and confident and fearless. You might be thinking, 'sounds like all the things a parent would want for their kid too. Aren't you treating them like a parent?' No. I don't want all these things for them because I feel like they are my kids, but because they are kids. My desire for my nanny kids isn't just for them. ALL kids deserve to have those things. As a care giver, I'm not just raising  kids, I'm raising the future of our society. Not just bc I'm a nanny...but because I am an adult. I felt the weight of this responsibility lately. That this is more than just a job, it's life. And it isn't just my life, it's all of ours. We all have this responsibility to kids. It's hard because I constantly forget. I go home and I get caught up in my life and my struggles and I forget that when I go through tough times in life, they do too. When I am stressed and tired from not sleeping and spend a day with them constantly frustrated and impatient, I put strain on our relationship. Teaching them to trust me is a harder task than I ever imagined. Between their parents and myself, We are the first experience they will ever have in trusting someone fully. You can see that in all adult lives. People's stories matter because we are actual products of how we were raised. We, as a adults. get to choose to be refined or remain as we are. When you have a relationship with a little one, they love better than all of us. When I'm sad because of things in my personal life, they pick up on it and I get more hugs and more kisses that day without even asking. When I have to apologize for getting upset with them for unwarranted reasons, they are so quick to forgive and give me grace. Maybe we as adults need to continue to learn from the ones we are teaching. I know I do. Ever day. Because relationships grow us. Constantly. There is weight to being a person! And I feel like it's time we all start feeling it.* Clearly I'm in tune with my emotions, I cry over anything and everything lately. (🐶, Last night it was the New Girl finale) I think I finally realized I'm allowed to feel emotions as an adult because sometimes I am sad. And I am angry and I am oh so happy. And sometimes I want to scream. My kids taught me that it's ok to feel those things. Zander saw me sad one day and told me it was ok to cry if I was hurt and he d get me a bandaid. Emotions are real and valid. A six year old taught me that.again. 

So here I am, sitting in beautiful green grass observing my two nanny kiddos play in the sand from a distance. I know they will come calling when they can't figure out a problem or when they need a booboo kissed. They trust me to be sitting here. But what I realized today is that I trust them to come to me as well. Because that's what a real relationship is. 

*Cheers*