The Playlist

So last week I went for a run. It was one of those that carried all the weight of the world. The one where the music was so loud, you felt as if your ear drums were going to rupture. The run that pounded out all the uncontrollable emotions every time your feet hit the pavement. It was going to be brutal and I knew it. I had put together a running playlist on Spotify filled with songs that carried some of the weight but also ones that would push me to keep going. As I placed my earbuds in and turned down the sidewalk, I felt the first song fill my ears and travel through my veins. As my feet picked up speed, I felt my lip quiver and my heart flutter as the emotions traveled side by side with the oxygen through my body. I kept hearing the voice in my head screaming as "Jungle" by the X-Ambassadors sang words into my ears. I hurt. Everywhere. I couldn't think. My brain was so clouded. "What the hell are you doing?!????" was all my brain kept screaming at me. 

I didn't know. I couldn't answer this question the week before and now was no different.  What was I doing? Who was I? How did I reach this point again? Ugh... Music gets turned up louder as I just keep going. New song. Oh crap.. This one was a killer. Damn you, Ellie Goulding and your beautiful lyrics. "Anything can happen.." Pfft. Yeah, well clearly!! As I cursed every song that filled my ears, I found myself circling out of my neighborhood. 

Music has always been special to me. I think it has a similar effect on everyone which is why it's so universal. There is something in it that allows us to store our emotion. I can be a complete wreck and listen to a song and just dump all said emotions into the song and somehow feel better. It's incredible. So there I was. Pounding and pouring all my unbearable emotions into this playlist. I kept running til I couldn't anymore. Then I stopped and would turn and look around me for clarity. It didn't come so I would go again, hoping it d clear. Eventually, I found myself on the front porch of my brother in laws. I knocked and they seemed surprised to see me there a sweaty, emotional mess. We had some good talks followed by my ever remaining question, "What the hell am I doing??" 

A week has gone by. Clarity finally showed up in the form of a light blue Gatorade and a Sunday morning sermon. 

So today...I went for a run. It was one of those runs where you had no idea if it would be good or bad. Level playing field to start off. No overbearing emotions but still some in there that could stew up. I put my ear buds in as the first song from last weeks playlist filled my head. I stretched and smiled as I felt the beat pick up tempo. Let's go. So off I went. And people... It was one of the best runs I have ever had.(Coming from one of the worst runners in history.)

Every song that carried so much weight last week only filled me with sweet memories and moments now. Remembering how the words cut before helped them soar today. This is one of the reasons I play songs and playlists on repeat. When I'm happy and when I'm sad. Songs carry weight. Emotion. Power. I smiled as I made my last loop to come to the end of my block. The song that brought me to tears last week rang in my ears the rest of tonight. It was a sweet reminder of the temporary. I talked about happiness being temporary in my last blog. Well so is misery. 

  Cheers! 

To care or not to care

Uh

Okay Pinterest... You are full of life changing quotes, motivation, fashion sense and crazy good food, however this one.... This one I want to tear to shreds. I read this and I got mad. So mad. Okay, I get it. Don't sweat the small stuff, it ll make you unhappy. But really? The less you care, the happier you will be... No. I disagree with that. Not caring leads to complete destruction. Caring has led me into one of my biggest life messes currently, so when I read this it was a joke to me. Yet, my ability to care makes me happy. Caring is a double edged sword. You do get hurt sometimes by caring. And for someone who thrived off of deep rooted pain for 23 years, the chance of getting hurt isn't too scary for me. But I think of not caring, and that's way more fearful. If you don't care, you miss something. You miss the chances, the carpe diems, the growth. The less you care, the more shallow you remain. There is no depth. No roots. Low risk, low gain. Caring is high risk. With high risk, you might not find happiness but maybe... Just maybe you may find Joy. And that my friends is something worth caring about.

I ve been taking a lot of risks lately....Both stupid risks and smart risks. What I found was happiness. But happiness is fleeting. Happiness is temporary. Happiness is the quick fix. About 3 weeks in and I feel my desire for joy returning because the flakiness of being happy is stressful!! 

I stole this from my sister's blog and I hope there are more of these being posted. Joy. Find joy. 

So here.. Let's try this one. 

The MORE you care, the greater depths of happiness you find. 

 

Cheers, friends! 

Birds, Boys, Babies and Bullets

*So I have had a lot of inquiries lately about how my "unsocial year" is going. 

It has been good. And hard. And surprising. And a little sad at times. I use my phone less yet I still find my fingers flying across the keys as I am in contact with all those I love, trying to stay up to date. So I now wonder if life has gained speed on and off the social media. Maybe it is just the way we all live now. Minute to minute. Update to update. It's been much easier to get busy and in a routine and forget about all those outside of my immediate world. I miss Facebook on the days I know the new posts about babies and engagements are being announced. I always feel a little bit like I am "missing out on something." I haven't felt a need for it though. Even throughout the sad moments, I try and think of the moments I have shared being intentional and personable with old and new friends. I have no regrets so far. 

*As for updates on my life... Let's see. I went on a cruise with my nanny family back in Feburary. It was so much fun and  I was once again reminded what great people I work for. 

St. Thomas of the Virgin Islands 

San Juan, Puerto Rico 

It was a rough week in the Carribean. 

*So remember my post a while back about singlehood and how frustrated I was? Well when it rains, it mother flippin pours. Within 24 hours last week, I went from zero to four men from my past and present pursuing me for some level of relationship. What the French, Toast?!? It was overwhelming and I have laughed only once at the irony. I have cried way more. I eat my words. I think I'd much rather be frustrated in singleness than frustrated in multiple pursuals. In one week my life kind of took a drastic turn. Im laying here still trying to grasp what all happened. So naturally, I found this to be the best time to go get my tattoo I have been planning on for about a year now. 

*This is directly from one of my Grandmothers letters to me. She was having a hard day with her eyesight so she wrote, "Hello-Bye-Love, will write again tomorrow." It was perfect. I wanted to get it before she died and even told her about it but never got it done. Well yesterday was the day. It took 5 minutes and I only really flinched once so obviously that can lead you to believe tattoos are in fact, addicting. I'm satisfied with mine for now and don't have any others in mind for a while. I absolutely love it and I am so grateful to my artist for making it so exact that when I catch a look of it in the mirror I don't see words, I see my Grandmothers handwriting. Which means way more than the words. 

*Also, I have a new little nugget of a niece. Meet Violet Ada. She was born when I was on my cruise but goodness, she had me wrapped up as soon as I received the first picture. Sweet girl. So excited to have another girl in the family. Her big sister Julia, is one of my favorites here in O. 

*There are very few 14 year olds this cool, you guys. I love her heart and can't wait for her to keep growing into the beautiful woman that she is. 

*Spring is in the air and my nanny kiddos are growing like the weeds in the yard. This fall they will be 6,4,2. How is that possible???? I have made a stable commitment to them and am excited to know I'll be staying put for awhile. 

* I am moving out of my brothers house next month. I will be rooming with two girlfriends of mine. It will be wonderful and I'm excited for the next chapter of my life. I do get sad when I think of how much I will miss these moments. The girls grow up in front of me when I live with them... It's going to be crazy seeing them from afar even after a week. 

*Well that's been the last couple months... Looking back it's been a whirlwind of crazy good stuff. Life, people. It keeps going. 

 

 Cheers. 

Be.

The struggle is real, my friends. 

What struggles are real, you ask.  Mornings? Routine? Exercise? Life? Faith? Love? Happiness? All of the above and more?? Pick one. I am lying here in bed as the children snooze silently on our second to last night on our Disney Cruise to the Caribbean. I'll be honest, I was nervous before we left 6 days ago. I have traveled with my nanny family before, but never like this. My first time on a cruise, along with all of us in unfamiliar territory. We were also traveling with three OTHER families besides ours. On a boat. In the middle of the ocean. You can see my hesitation. I knew it d be a great trip, I just didn't know where the great would come from. The great came from the humid air filling my lungs as we landed in Florida on day one. The great came from the sun baking my skin to a crisp because of the clear skies we had every single day. The great came in the taste of salt water going down my nose in the Virgin Islands as I swam in the ocean. The great came in the richest form of food in my belly served by people from all over the world. The great came as I stood on the top deck with the wind blowing so hard my ears rang and there was nothing but water and sky for hundreds of miles. The great really came as I rolled over laughing with my boss while the kids talked a mile a minute when the sugar highs hit their veins. They said some of the most hilarious stuff. Where do they come up with it?? The great came in parading three 4year old princesses around the ship in their ball gowns for all to see. The great came in the form of a raspberry mojito and a conversation with a lovely looking South African bartender. ;) (Am I right?!??) 

I could go on and on about all the amazing greats this trip held for me. Truly, it has been one of the most fun weeks I have had in years. I am so honored my family values me so much to include me in their adventures and life happenings. I was, however, surprised. I was surprised of what I didn't feel. All these amazing things were happening to me and I was seeing such beautiful creations of God, yet... I didn't feel much of anything in that regard. I was overwhelmed by the beauty but not by the maker. And honestly... I think maybe that is ok? I might be off track here, but I think the greatest part of my trip was that I could just... Be. There was no weight of redemption or salvation on my heart or mind. No struggle of being holy in an unholy world. Nothing. I just lived and breathed. I think I got so caught up in the fine tuning of my faith and life back home that I forgot to just be. I do believe in Christ. And I do love Jesus. That's all I needed this past week. I wasn't trying to be a better lover of Jesus or my fellow believers. I wasn't trying to prove to myself or anyone that I have what it takes to fight the good fight. (Which is dumb because it's already been won,but you get my point.) I just believed and it was enough. At first, I was concerned. Why wasn't I feeling this amazing closeness to God as I witness his glory?! Is this a sign of a lack of faith?? Is this a heart issue? I had so many questions and then bam. I just shut it all down. Be. Sometimes.. Just being is enough. And sometimes, it's ok to just let God love you from where you are. Near or far. So don't question your faith or heart if you sometimes find yourself exactly where you re at. I can almost promise you, that's right where you need to be.