Overflow

Here below is the mish mash mush that is my brain and unless it goes somewhere, my head just might implode. Enjoy.

* I really love snow. Like love love it. Granted I love it even more when I don't have anywhere to go or be and I can either hole up curled up in a blanket somewhere or roll around its powdery goodness. It's truly beautiful and can transform even the drabest neighborhood into a winter wonderland.

*Im super excited to move to Omaha in March. I loved being there last week with my nieces and sister in law. It is going to be a great set up. I'm bummed my brother won't be around but if he was there, then my services would not be required thus defeating the point.

*I don't know why I am continually surprised by the changes in my life as I get older. I look around at everything I thought I knew and nothing is the same. Whether its perspective, maturity or insanity, I give. Being a grown up is not as fun as everyone made it seem sometimes.

*With this level of "maturity" people say you gain as you get older, I feel like I ve lost the sense to be a dreamer. At least when it comes to my own life. I'm so optimistic about everyone else's life it's about to get annoying. And the cynicism I feel towards myself is just sad. When did that happen? And how do I make it stop?

*I love my family. I do to measures that are unspeakable. However, once again, I find myself realizing we aren't as pretty in pink and flawless as the bubble that was my childhood portrayed. Being a family is hard. Being in a family of ten kids is crazy. And hard. Loving unconditionally..is hard. Knowing when to draw lines and where is just plain hard.

*Nah nah nah. Nah nuh nah nah. That stupid One Direction song is stuck in my head! Thankfully it's because my awesome sister, Ang gave me The Piano Guys cd for Christmas! ;) If you haven't checked them out yet, you won't regret it.

* I really dislike when the girls are sick, it just makes this rough for everyone. I do, however love how cuddly they get.

*I have been blessed with some pretty incredible friends in my life. There are times that they need a high five. In the face. With a chair. People suck sometimes. I suck the majority of the time. Such we do as sinful creatures. Father forgive all of us.

*I have two potential job offers for when I am finished helping my brother in Omaha. It's baffling to me how God has allowed jobs to fall into my life thus far. I am truly humbled. It confuses me though. I don't know anymore. I feel so unknowing in just about every aspect of my life currently. I'm told this is common, so I apologize for the momental pity party.

*Speaking of being baffled. I spent the first hour of work this morning trapping the small bird that got into the house. How does a bird get in a house you ask? Let me share. As I walked up the porch stairs and opened the lovely decorated door, I disrupted the perching of a small bird on the wreath. It flew into the house as I was pushing the door inward due to the chaos of it nearly attacking my face. After realizing my face was still in tact and staring in awe for a few moments, I walked into the kitchen informing my boss, Aaron, "Good morning. There is a bird in your house." Due to the high ceilings and many attempts to "shoo" it with a broom. We eventually wore it out and tossed a towel over it when it landed. After scooping it up and tossing it out on the lawn, it may have died from exhaustion or sheer terror of the idiots trying to help it escaped. I haven't checked outside in a few hours so it's fate is still unknown. Pending update.

* I went with a few peeps to pick up our friend, Markus from the airport last night. He was a exchange student from Norway my junior year of high school. It's been 4.5 years since I have seen him. Wow. I missed him so very much. Along with the 20+ other students that year. I loved that group. I mean, I keep in touch with more of them than I have with people who live an hour away. I want to go back to Norway during Christmas 2013. It's gonna happen.

* One final dumb complaint and I will end on a high note. Emotions are confusing and I really don't like them. They make you feel and the majority of the time feelings hurt. Hurting hurts. Plain and simple.
I'm tired of hurting. Whether I do it to myself or there is a second party. It's dumb.

* This picture sums up some happiness in life. Yes. That is a dickie. And no. That's isn't Cousin Eddie, but my little brother.

"Everything is going to be okay."

November 28th, 2002. Ten years. 3,650 days since I walked out of that hospital room. My brain can smell the pancakes wafting through the hospital's family kitchen as my mother made us all breakfast that morning. I remember sitting outside in the corridor laughing. The color in your cheeks was that of a pink rose. We teased Gabe relentlessly about his SoCal long hair. Seth stuck to your side like a mini me, watching your every move, admiring. Isaac just shook his head as we carried on. There was so much laughter. We took a few pictures. One, I keep to this day. I look at it and think where has the past decade gone? It was a perfect morning. Those fateful ten years ago.
I remember feeling anxious as time passed too quickly. Almost as if a storm was brewing, I felt everything begin to change. All of a sudden it was chaos. Those rose colored cheeks became a ghost. The pancakes you ate ended up in a pillow case. Soon, nurses were everywhere as they wheeled you back to your room. I felt panic hit as our perfect morning spun into a whirlwind. "No, no, no, no. I am leaving in 30 minutes. He was fine. He is fine. I can't get on a plane when he isn't fine," my brain kept saying. The following minutes were somewhat of a blur. My next memory was standing there, watching everyone else walk out of your room. Cement. My body was cement and couldn't move. I looked at you lying there, looking so weak and frail. A completely different person from the one laughing outside only minutes ago. I kept telling myself I couldn't leave. As you opened your tired eyes, you bore into my soul. You half smiled and then I knew no matter what was to come, everything would be okay. Some years I thought you may have said something or squeezed my hand but I remember it now. You said nothing and we stood feet apart. You looked at me with your quirky smile. I remember whispering "I love you" as I rushed from the room. If I didn't go then, I never would have. What felt like an eternity of standing there was only seconds as I saw the rest of my family only halfway down the hall. I wiped the tears from my eyes as I exhaled and tucked my arms around myself. I thought then the look you gave me was to give me strength to get on that plane and fly home, now I know it meant oh so much more. That look gave me the strength to get up and move on. It let me forgive myself for walking out of that room. I think maybe you knew. You knew I would have needed those extra seconds to say goodbye. You knew it would be the last. You somehow just knew. I didn't know the depth of that look until two months later when I heard Daddy's voice on the phone.
Some years have been easy, other ones hard, however one thing has remained the same; everything is okay. It hasn't always felt like it would be but 3,650 days after walking out of that room, everything is still okay. Hard? Yes. Sad? More days than not. I am okay. We are all...okay.

Late night thoughts about "life"

            "Life's a dance, you learn as you go, sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow."

Life....Life....Life is.....Life.....Life could quite possibly be the most irritating and confusing concept of this world. Webster has about 20 definitional variations of this small, four letter word. The most common conclusion was "a period of existence." I keep looking at my period of existence thus far and can't help but focus on the last 4-5 years of my timeline. SO much has changed. I have done so much, seen so much, moved..so much. I had all these plans and expectations of where I would be at 21. Honestly, I am not too far from it. I am just about right where I want to be. The most startling part of that though, is I am not the person I thought I would be at 21. Now, I don't think that is per say a bad thing, just not what I had expected. This whole life as an adult is a lot harder than I expected it to be. It takes its tolls. It truly amazes me how many times I go to far and have to reel myself back in and think, "how the heck did I unknowingly cross so many lines?" It is just that easy. Wait a second...easy? Weren't we just discussing how hard life is? Yes, we were. Now you see my point. Life is not one way or the other. It is both. At the same time. Both attacking from every angle. Leaving you in the fetal position wondering what the heck is happening. I mean, that is how I feel most days. It is frightening for me to see how easy I get sidetracked and have to start over at square one again. How does one exist in this life safely and properly without locking themselves in a box with water and the Bible? I had a really great conversation with my roommate on Saturday morning over coffee about how our parents raised us and their logic behind it. The trust parents have of their children to make the right decisions because they taught us to infer right and wrong. Today though, everyone keeps telling me there is no right or wrong. YOU get to decide that. Whhhaaaattt?? Where, when and HOW did I earn the right to decide what is right or wrong? I don't want that responsibility!!  Its a tainted logic and it is destructing our young society today. We are human thus we are born sinful and cannot differ the two properly.
I look at both my sisters' beautiful lives and my heart just sinks. I feel like I have crossed the line of grey too many times to find that type of happiness. They have been through their 20s and come out alive and get to enjoy the downhill now. I know I am just starting, but I am still concerned. What if I am that person God never made someone for? What if I am to be used elsewhere in this world? I know that is a possibility and if that is my path, I take it gratefully. However, I am scared all the same. I am not the person I thought I would be at 21. Life is not the way I thought it would be as a child. I can only resolve that every single day I am loved by Christ. He has bigger plans for me than I do for myself. I need to start living up to my true Father's expectations for myself.

Done and done. I'm out.

Sara Bareilles has always been one of my favorite artists. She is spicy, independent and knows how to stick to her guns. She has been blessed to be able to release her low tolerance for B.S. in her music, which I must say I am envious of. So today, I am using her lyrical talent to vent a little bit. This about sums it up perfectly. The "control" is all yours, babe. I'm out.
King of Anything
Keep drinkin' coffee
Stare me down across the table
While I look outside

So many things I'd say if only I were able
But I just keep quiet
And count the cars that pass by

You've got opinions, man
We're all entitled to 'em
But I never asked

So let me thank you for time
And try to not waste any more of mine
Get out of here fast

I hate to break it to you babe
But I'm not drowning
There's no one here to save

Who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything

You sound so innocent
All full of good intent
You swear you know best

But you expect me to
Jump up on board with you
Ride off into your dellusional sunset

I'm not the one who's lost
With no direction oh
But you won't ever see

You're so busy makin' maps
With my name on them in all caps
You got the talkin' down just not the listening

And who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything

All my life
I've tried
To make everybody happy while I
Just hurt
And hide
Waitin' for someone to tell me it's my turn
To decide

Who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything

Who cares if you disagree
You are not me

Let me hold your crown, babe

I wish

  I have wished for a lot of things in my life. Wishing is something I feel so so about. Part of me tells me wishing is a selfish act done because we aren't satisfied with what we have. The other part of me says wishing is a gateway to hopes and dreams, which I think is a wonderful thing. Today is my brother, Luke's birthday. He would have turned 26 , but he will forever be 16. Sweet 16. What an age to go out on. I have for the past decade suppressed a lot of my very real emotions about my brother's death(see previous post), so I am going to try and be honest without feeling bad. For some reason I felt like I knew better than to feel sad or angry so I tried to shut it off and throw it away. So for today, I am going to allow myself a wish list for Luke. These are the wishes I wished for you the last ten years you weren't able to blow out your own candles.
1. I wish you could have gone hunting this weekend for opening season.
2. I wish you could have been there for Isaac and Katrina's wedding. He really wanted you there.
3. I wish you could meet children someday. Them not being able to know you will be such a shame.
4. I wish you could see how tall Seth has got. He's bigger than you now.
5. I wish I could beat you at hand and foot.
6. I wish I could remember what your laugh sounded like.. It was the greatest laugh.
7. I wish you were still here..
8. I wish we could go out and have a real "brewsky" together instead of the ever faithful root beer.
9. I wish you were able to give me advice on my life. You always seemed to handle me with such calm and patience.
10. Somedays..I wish I would have come down to California sooner.. I wish I would have been down there to see you one last time. I never knew you with your fresh new heart, however, I knew you with the biggest heart.

Next week will be ten years. One decade. 3,650 days since I walked out of that hospital room. We'll save that for another day. Today is a celebration. Today we get to enjoy the 16 years of memories and laughs you were here. Today we get to tell how you lived.

A Dream

Sometimes I have this dream where I am collapsed on the ground. Someone in the distance is walking away and I just sit there, not able to move. The ground is cold. Grey skies above me begin to sink as the bleak fog settles around me. The distant thunder rolling, mocking me. It is a bitter reminder of the storm passed.  Stricken by the rush of emotions, tears begin to run down my face. I feel exposed. My nerves are tingling, my heart is pierced. So much pain. So much feeling. I can't seem to take a breath.  Everything. I feel everything. Every little emotion ever buried, every tear held back, even the extra remnants of surprise, shock and excitement. All at once. All on the surface. The hurt, the anger, the sadness. It is all there. No twitch or flicker of feeling left behind. The tears begin to flow faster and soon I find myself weeping. Weeping for the ones I let walk away, those who stayed, and those who I have forgotten. I wept for the years I ignored. The sensations of memories burn as they wreck my entire being. My very soul exposed for all to see. I didn't have the energy to hold anything back or hide behind the truth. The intensity of emotion passes by in waves as my brain plays the past eleven years like an old black and white film. Every excruciating moment replayed in my head, felt in my heart. So many years of disconnect between the two are finally finding common ground in my misery. The rise and fall of my sobs match those of the film. Each year's struggle delivers its own set of feelings. Each one just as painful as the last. As the past year makes its debut, I feel a mixture of relief and panic. A gust of wind blows away my last tear as the cinema of my past crosses with the present. My breathing slows. My face dries. My swollen eyes part ever so slightly. As the clouds part, I am caught in a ray of sunshine. I look up and feel the warmth of peace fill my now empty cavity. I am able to breath in deeply and rise to my feet. I look in the direction of the one who walked away, knowing it will be the last time. I turn the other way and take a step forward.

 I had hidden a broken soul successfully for years. I never realized the extent to which my emotions were buried and the burden they were on me. This is where the healing begins. There will still be hurt, however the healing has begun.

Control

      I think it is safe to admit I have a few "control issues." I like to have things "under wraps." I like to make sure things run smoothly. I have no problem stepping in and overseeing a project. I am not OCD or a type A personality soooooo that makes it quite odd. I am super chill and go with the flow, however when it comes to my life... I have severe trust issues. I believe in al grand plan. I believe God made me within His grand design and that I am meant for great things according to His purpose. However, there is a catch. I passionately believe all of that but when it comes to actually giving the reins of my life over to Him and letting go...cue control issues. There is a root to every "issue." I think mine might be rooted in my brother, Luke's death ten years ago. My life was completely out of my control. I was just grasping at straws trying to figure everything out and what was happening, I felt like I had nothing to cling to. I had zero control. I couldn't stop Luke from dying. I couldn't stop the pain. I definitely couldn't stop the tears. I couldn't get to my mother, who I so desperately wanted. I couldn't change my decision to visit them in California. I couldn't make it all stop. I had no control. I was stuck. Stuck and drowning. Now, through the past decade I have gained the wisdom to understand in times like these we need to cling to Christ. Well at the age of 11, that was not something I thought was possible. I remember my parents, grandparents, friends, pastors, everyone telling me to just keep praying. For an eleven year old..that just wasn't good enough. That didn't make me feel better. I was in pain. Nothing made sense. I felt like my ever stable life had fallen from underneath me. I was spinning into the abyss. I knew that praying was talking to God and telling Him all your woes. So I would find myself begging Him to make the pain go away and bring my brother back. To heal all the sorrow in my home. I found myself talking to air. Nothing. I got no response and no comfort. So I got mad. I got mad and I got bitter. I had been told my whole life that God would never leave me nor forsake me and here I was  feeling so alone. I still went through all the motions of a tween and young Christian, but my heart was cold and hardened. I was hurt that God had let all of this happen to me and my family. What did we do to deserve this? As a young child, I didn't get it. I didn't know how to ask for help in understanding everything because I so desperately wanted to be strong. That there is quite telling as to who I am today and why by the way. When I was in 7th or 8th grade, I went and spent a week at Heit's Point for summer camp. During that week, I felt a change stirring in my heart. I felt God breaking down those walls I had built and relieving me of all the burden I had been carrying around. I was humbled and broken down so that He could start the process of rebuilding me and my faith. Faith is a journey every single day. From that week on, I have struggled every day with the Devil's obstacles and trials. Somewhere along the way I realized I was not alone in those struggles. That is what it means to be a Christian. I guess what these memories remind me is don't take for granted a hard chapter in your life. You never know what God is going to teach you.

Today, I still struggle with giving God control of my life because I am afraid of the pain. I am afraid of what He will ask of me and whether I will be strong enough to do His bidding. I was tested a few years ago when my brother, Gabe was assaulted at a house party in Warrensburg and suffered severe brain damage. I remember the rush of familiarity I felt that day. "No Lord. NO. I can't do this again. I can't." God showed me mercy that day. I was stuck at my parents house with no car and no way to get up to the hospital to see Gabe. I felt it all happening again and I was going crazy thinking I would once again not be there when one of my brothers was dying. My friend, Andrew drove me to the hospital to be with my family only to turn around and drive 4 hours back to school. He was my deliverance that day. Gabe's trauma was a miracle in itself. He went hope days later and has made a full recovery. The funny part is that we really don't have a choice. We don't get to choose what is already chosen for us. He just requires us to believe. So keep the faith, my friends, for even in times of trial and despair, He truly never leaves nor forsakes you. If you need some encouragement, read Job. He'll show you what it means to keep the faith.

Acceptance

 It has been said that a person can go through a number of stages when dealing with grief. Some experience all of them, some none, and others get stuck in one for an extended period of time. I remember going through them over the past decade while healing from my brother, Luke's death. I remember going through a lot of the stages whenever I dealt with any sort of loss, actually. Sometimes it was a minor change in my life, other times it was something more extensive. Regardless of any amount of healing there was always a final process I went through. Acceptance. You learn to accept the fact of whats happen and then basically you start building anew from there. Sitting here tonight watching one of my favorite TV shows, I realized something. Acceptance gives us that closure to move on and rebuild, however at the same time..its the most heartbreaking moment. For me, acceptance was realizing that I would never see my brother again. I would never see him graduate high school, go to college, get married, get to spoil his children or grow old with him. I really wanted to grow old with him. Acceptance is knowing that whats done was and is final. The way a healing program is set up makes you think the first stages of grief will be the most painful and difficult. The hardest step a person can take is to accept the end of that change. Its like reading a really great book and the ending completing throwing you for a loop. Or a break up you weren't expecting. You have to accept that is how it ends and move on. There is a prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr that is very fitting for the acceptance process.

God, give me grace to accept with serenity

the things that cannot be changed,

Courage to change the things

which should be changed,

and the Wisdom to distinguish

the one from the other.

Living one day at a time,

Enjoying one moment at a time,

Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,

Taking, as Jesus did,

This sinful world as it is,

Not as I would have it,

Trusting that You will make all things right,

If I surrender to Your will,

So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,

And supremely happy with You forever in the next.

Amen.

  The first part of this poem has been adopted by Alcoholics Anonymous and other step program groups. Its quite fitting is it not? Serenity. A state of peace. That is what we seek, right? Yet I can't help but feel almost a panic build up in my soul. I don't want to accept the end. I did not want to accept that Luke had died. I didn't want to find peace. I felt like resolving to the facts meant I was moving on without him. I did not want to move on. Peace meant acceptance. I do not want to accept that I don't have the control. Control.. That a topic for another post..

  As I just re-read Niebuhr's prayer, there were words that stuck out to me. Moment. Peace. Jesus.Trusting. Right. Surrender. Will. Happy. You. Forever.

   Don't let the Devil cause you to panic because you have reached acceptance. Acceptance isn't just a final step and you are done. You LIVE with the acceptance. You have to choose to accept the ending of your challenge every single day. Some days, it won't be conscious. If you ever run into a day where you don't feel like you can accept the conclusion to that story, say a prayer. Say Niebuhr's prayer. Trust and surrender yourself and know He is taking care of you. Now and forever.

Remade

You Are More by Tenth Avenue North

There's a girl in the corner
With tear stains on her eyes
From the places she's wandered
And the shame she can't hide

She says, "How did I get here?
I'm not who I once was.
And I'm crippled by the fear
That I've fallen too far to love"

But don't you know who you are,
What's been done for you?
Yeah don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

Well she tries to believe it
That she's been given new life
But she can't shake the feeling
That it's not true tonight

She knows all the answers
And she's rehearsed all the lines
And so she'll try to do better
But then she's too weak to try

But don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

'Cause this is not about what you've done,
But what's been done for you.
This is not about where you've been,
But where your brokenness brings you to

This is not about what you feel,
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

This song represents a long and hard struggle inside myself. The constant battle that I lose every day on my own. Through Christ I end up victorious at the end of every day. Though I stand here broken, I know He will piece me
back together. The world makes me feel helpless and it is so disheartening. I haven't been strong enough to fight off the challenges of this life and I can't deny it any longer. So I listen to Tenth Avenue Norths reminder that every day I am remade and made new and clean through Christ.

With the help of a little Pixie Dust

I have this friend. She is probably the quirkiest, sweetest thing I have ever met. We attended all four years of high school together. The first three years we were classmates but never were very close. Something clicked our senior year. I remember camp outs in her dorm room, prom and senior trip.
She has such a big heart and gives without a second thought of what that might mean for her. To be completely honest... I think the last time I saw her was our graduation day. Which was almost 4 years ago.. Wow.. That's so long ago.. She is a constant in my life. It does not matter how many years have gone by, she is one of the most reliable people in my ever changing life. About a year ago, she calls me and says "Don't freak out. I'm fine. But I have to tell you something." I braced myself for what was coming. "I needed to tell you because the meds have stopped working..." I hear her voice continue to explain everything but my mind is in a cloud. I heard my heart say, "Lord, give me strength to help her in this." I took a deep breath and said "Okay..what do we do?"

My friend had been diagnosed with Lupus. For those who don't know about lupus, it is a long term autoimmune disease. The symptoms normally affect the skin, joints, kidneys and sometimes the brain. She had informed me the steroids were no longer working and they needed to do some drastic treatment. I'm happy to report that today, things seem to be on the upswing with treatments. The amount of strength and positivity I have seen in this woman the last year has astonished me. She hates needles...I mean like hates them. Yet a couple
times a month she sits without complaining as they poke and prod her. She has remained by my side through my ups and downs, never skipping a beat. She recently got a tattoo that said one word. "LIVE." She said she was tired of just getting by and was ready to start living again. Through literally fighting her body from self destruction, she comes to me and asks how I am? She is worried about how I am handling everything. Haha. I wanted to smack her. I was like, you don't get to be the strong one in this, Missy!! What an example though. In her darkest hour, her heart still worries not of herself but those she loves. She s one of the best people I know and I thank God every single day for her. One of her favorite characters is Tinkerbell from Peter Pan. I understand why now because she goes around giving people the faith to persevere and know we can conquer anything with Christ. So here is to you,
my friend. With faith, trust and pixie dust. ;) I love you!

More

More. There has got to be more. More than this. And that. More to what has happened. To what is to come. I want more. If this is it.. I am disappointed.

"More what?" This could be the question you ask yourself while reading. I will answer it, but while I do, think on this. "What do YOU want more of?"

My more is not more money, not more time or days, or even sleep. Coffee is debatable but we'll let that one go so I can make my point. To be honest, I am not entirely sure by the end of this blog, you will know what I want more of. I want more life...right? I want more of the life that I am constantly complaining about? No.. that is something I have an abundance of. The "more" I want goes deeper than understanding. It is a desire that is so beyond me all I know is that I seek it. A desire so divine can only come from the One who places it in our hearts. I know there is more, apart from this world. There is a more that suffices all desires and answers all the questions. True contentment of living in the moment.

I want to do more, see more, but more importantly, be more.

Lord, make me more.

Difference between WANT and NEED

The past two years of my life have been some of the most humbling thus far. I thought I had finally figured out this whole balance of understanding Gods plans for my life. Ha. Well I was wrong. I keep going back to the "this is what I WANT Gods plan for my life to be." The humbling part is as soon as I have no idea what I want, He shows me what I need. He has brought people back into my life the past year that have given me hope for a happy future but He s also showed me His timing is the only timing . God giveth and God taketh away. I ve gone through one of the biggest heartaches in about
A decade recently. It aches incessantly however I find myself..okay. I took a stand on my faith and it cost me someone I care very much for. It's hard to deal with the idea of loss but I gave up and a love that will end for one that is eternal. I thought I knew what I wanted, yet Christ showed me what I needed..and that was Him. It's about time I start getting my priorities straight....

Double the Fun

These two gorgeous girls have been the ray of sunshine in my life the past year. Day in and day out, they ve showed me there is always a reason to smile. My year in Colorado taught me a lot of hard lessons. Ones that are vital to my adult life. I walked away from it all I was covered in grey and confusion. Because of these tiny little girls, I came out of clouds and into the sunshine. I have never worked with such happy babies. I mean they are ridiculously happy. I honestly can't remember a single bad day in the last year. It could just be my quirky sense of humor but these two make me belly laugh. As they get older and begin to interact more with each other, I can see what people mean when they talk about the "weird twin thing." God has truly blessed me in so many ways. Happy birthday Sweet Babies.

The Perfect Storm

I am not one to normally shy away. Fear is not something I have dealt with often in my life. Growing up, I was taught not to be fearful of anything because God controls everything. If someone asked me what I was afraid of, I would find it difficult to cough up an answer. So why am I hiding? I am hiding behind my present. I am presently in a bubble that is full of happy go lucky times and a land of plenty. My bubble is full of all the things I selfishly desire. Good friends, family nearby, city, culture, good food and great memories. I am hiding because there is a stirring in my heart. I crouch behind my present day to day because I can see the storm in my future that is going to rock my entire world and turn me upside down. It doesn't scare me in a way that I would turn the other way and run, but in a way that I fear my strength. I fear my ability to accomplish what God is going to lay out for me. I fear my ability to be His tool and to completely empty myself and be filled with Him. I stand on the edge pushing myself to jump but feeling the churns of my stomach and doubting whether I will hit the rocks. The time to jump is coming. I feel it in my heart and soul. This brings a million and one thoughts and emotions to the brim of my very being. This is my day to day. We all have to deal with our emotions and thoughts as they come and go. The reality of it though is none of that matters. It isn't about us. It never has been. It is about Christ. It is about letting Him light that fire within your soul placed there by the Holy Spirit. You..Me... We have done nothing. He has done and will do everything. We only have to surrender ourselves. The power struggle that goes into that is one that won't be done with ease, but it will be done. There is a stirring.... and the storm is on its way.

ONE DAY WITHOUT SHOES

T

Today, I am going without shoes so kids don't have to. 

Today, April 10th, 2012 is One Day Without Shoes. Its put on by a company called One for One. You have probably heard of their shoes, TOMS. For every pair of shoes purchased, TOMS will give a pair of shoes to a child in need. 

TOMS is definitely my favorite of any other merchandising company. The company was started by a guy named, Blake Mycoskie. Check out the full story on www.toms.com/ourmovement/

I came upon this company sometime in the early fall of 2010. Their passion for giving and pure motives for change inspired me to even take a few college classes in an attempt for a public relations degree. My schooling has been put on the backburner due to my current situation, but my passion for the movement has not changed. 

I was blessed to become involved last spring with another giving organization called 

The Mango Project.  www.themangoproject.com

Both of these organizations light a passion inside me that makes me want to believe. Believe in a hope of more.  Believe that I can actually do more. If it gives me, someone who has never been in want for anything, the power to believe in more, imagine what these movements can do for those who have no hope. 

There is more to this life and my dream is be a part of it.

Death

Everything dies.
People; they die. 
People get cancer. They get old. They have a disease. They don't take care of their bodies. They go too fast in their cars. They take risks. Sometimes, they do nothing but live. People. They die.
     With so much "understanding" and "enlightenment" being sought in life, death is one thing that continues to puzzle. Death seems to be ever looming. We know it from a young age. We experience it as we grow older. Some don't make it very far until they are staring at it in the face. I used to say death isn't fair. It plays dirty, breaks all the rules. It steals, lies and cheats. Death sucks. Working with tiny humans, I have learned that with death comes life. Many people die every single day. However, many also live. So why does death get all the credit for misery? Why is it so painful? Why do some seek it out and others grasp on to every breath? You've heard the saying "to cheat death," but what about those who "cheat life?" And war? Does that even deserve more than a question? "It's the circle of life." "We live and we die." "From the moment we take our first breath, we start to dying." The sayings about death are perplexing. Part of me has a hard time accepting death as a natural cycle when it leaves gaping holes in the human heart. I challenge someone to stand up and say they understand death. There is no one side to it. It comes in full force. So then how are we suppose to cope with it? "The sooner you accept it, the easier it is to move on." I struggle no longer with death. It is inevitable. I struggle now with how I, at a young age, respond to it. As each year goes by, as each death occurs, I feel my skin grow thicker and my heart harder. This all being said, I believe in a life after death, which has allowed those gaping holes to heal. It doesn't give me any understanding, but it does give me hope. Comfort in my confusion, knowing that I don't have to understand it, because Someone does.

For all those who have bore the pain of death,and those who will have to....

You

I missed you today. I thought of you. I remembered. It made me smile to think of the happy times. I fall asleep tonight praying you ll be in my dreams. I missed you today. I miss you everyday.

Prayer for a Fickle Heart

Fickle.
Fick-le
[Fick-uhl]
adjective

1.likely to change, especially due to caprice, irresolution, or instability; casually changeable: fickle weather.
2.not constant or loyal in affections: a fickle lover. (dictionary.com)


I feel like this is all my heart does. I consider myself a passionate person. I throw a lot of excitement and joy into most things I do. I am also a follower. I do what I am told and try not to upset the peace..at least I feel like that is what I do.. in my own little world. Maybe not.. I guess that depends on what part of my world you are a part of. As of late I have found my heart desiring missions and to serve God in and through that. I am so very excited and blessed to be in a position that I have the opportunity to make that a reality. God willing, I will be in Africa in another year plus.

That being said.. my fickle heart is hurting. A different part of my heart. A part I said goodbye to. How can one be so at war with themselves. How could I let something so wonderful go? Why is it when I am finally given something I have wanted for a very long time, I CHOOSE to let it go? I know the answers to these... deep down in my heart I do know them, but today..I don't want to accept them. They aren't good enough. Lord, hold my broken heart tonight as I try and understand the desires You have for me....my fickle heart wants more. It misses its piece. I am lost between knowing what you ask of me and wanting to give into my own desires. Keep me humble and my eyes on You as to not cause more pain to him that I already have...my prayer is peace for both.

How Did You Know?

There is going to be a time in the future when someone asks me, "Where did this all come from? How did you know?" I will shake my head in disbelief and say, "It started with a book."

Kisses from Kate. Written by Katie Davis. This book very well could change my life forever. Want to know the real catch? I haven't even read it yet!! My sister, Ang visited last week and she kept talking about this great book her friend recommended. Hearing bits and pieces of it, I knew it was something special. Fast forward less than a week. My sister Sarah read the book in 24 hours and 48 hours after that is in the process of adopting a family in Haiti. Ramblings of a Momaholic. Read her last 2 entries with dry eyes, I dare you. Pray for her and her family. They are embarking on a beautiful journey.

The past few months I have had this restlessness in my heart that I have not been able to vocalize until now. I didn't know what it was. It was just dull enough to be annoying but something I could go on with my daily life without having it interfere. I am not sure I have ever wanted to go to church more than once a week in my life. Ever. Church is boring and repetitive and rarely do we ever walk away with anything "new." Right? Well no, that is not true, it just seems like that sometimes. I had a spell like that followed by me being able to absorb every single word being said. Every.Single.Word. I kept getting hit left and right with Jesus' words and demands for my life. This led me to frustration and a whole roller coaster of new emotions. This went on and on for the past month plus. The last 48 hours seems as if God turned on the light and now my eyes are just trying to adjust to all that He has laid out for me. My heart has always been drawn to missions. I just never knew how to really process the thought of me actually leaving my home and the country and live and breath my faith. It was always "when I have money, or when I get bored with nannying, or when there is an opportunity." Well I all of a sudden don't have a single reason in the world not to. And opportunity? My family is connected and intertwined with the mission field so much its a little scary. So why not? I realize now that feeling I was having was a tugging at my heart for something to come. 48 hours ago, I got a shove and now my heart and ears are tuned in. I am just waiting to see what God will tell me. But here I am. Here I am, Lord, send me..send me. I came home to get back on my feet after last year. I burned some bridges in the process that breaks my heart so much sometimes I can't hold back the tears. I know now in my heart that even that was for a purpose, no matter how much it hurt. So tonight I emailed the Rodewald Family. They are in charge of the missions society in Africa. What snowballs after this, I know not. I am scared. Terrified. Not of the unknown, but for the courage to do what is asked of me. I have shied away too many times when God asked for me. Not this time. You have all of me, Lord. This is it. Well.. I really should go read that book that changed my life..

Ode to the Bros

Brothers.. How many do you have? I have seven. Seven. Blood of my blood, flesh of my flesh.                

I have a very different relationship with each one of them. As I become an adult, I get to see different sides of them, not just as my brothers but as people. When you are a kid, you just think they are your brother. Not much more. Oh, how wrong we are. Each one of them have played a special role in my life thus far. They are wonderful, strong, smart and let us not forget awesome human beings. I mean..they have to be to be related to the Trifecta Dahlke Girl Trio right? (Yeah, look for that blog in the future.)

Baby boy turns 18 on Sunday, officially making the Dahlke clan "adults." And by official, naturally I mean that as only in the governments eyes, because lets be honest... That'll never happen. This kid is wise beyond his years. He is my one and only little brother yet he is anything but little. He very well could be one of the strongest people I know, and he hasn't even reached adulthood yet. And no, I am speaking of more than just his gigantic thighs. ;)

I just got done talking to my brother, Isaac on Facebook. As tears stream down my face, I thank God for such a small blessing this week. One might wonder why this is such a big deal. Isaac is in the Navy and on a ship somewhere(currently in Singapore, he said). We don't hear from him often and even an email can completely turn my week around. This is humorous to me because we used to not be allowed in the same room due to the amount of angst we had for each other. He is one of my best friends now.

Gabriel is the music guy of the fam. He took on a huge role in my life when Luke died. He did a great job in the beginning of really stepping in to be sure the 3 younger siblings had a big brother around still. Thank you for that.. I feel like when it comes to personalities, we are most alike which has its ups and downs. I love knowing that no matter what bullheaded, stubborn things come our way, we still are able to hug and say I love you.

I had the pleasure of really getting to know Jake this past year when I lived in Denver. He is the guy I would go to if I ever needed anything complex explained. I also am the proud godmother of his daughter, Phalen. He is super chill and super easy to love. He and Erin had a huge part in my survival of last summer. I don't think I have laughed so hard in my life as I did one night last summer with him.

Josh had a huge impact in my life back when we lived in Nebraska at the same time years ago. He helped me decided whether to go to school or continue to be homeschooled. I had the honor of seeing him graduate his residency in California a few years ago. I am so insanely proud of him. We just found out he is having his 3 child this summer! :) Not to mention his crazy, good taste in music.

Dan. Big D. Dan the Man. Macho Man Dan. :) This guy. I really loved having him in the house growing up. He took us "younger kids" out to the movies and bought us candy. I loved visiting him in Seattle and going to a Mariners game. He is the sports guru. I look forward to making more memories now that we live so close to each other.

Luke. Luke died 9 years ago. Not a day. Not a single day goes by that I don't think of him. I guess the true depth of  a sister's love can be tested when her brother is taken away. The scariest part for me is that I don't get to make new memories with him..and the old ones fade more and more each year that passes. He was a part of my childhood, and actually part of my adulthood too. He has helped me become the person I am today by teaching me by living his 16 short years. Not a day goes by...

So this dear brothers, is for you. For the past, the present and the future of our lives together as family, I pray we continue to grow, love, laugh and cry together. Thank you.

Karma

My brother Jake recently told me that because I survived last year, and completed my contract, karma is paying me back now. I could agree with that. My new job is so wonderful. I work for beautiful people who have beautiful children and I am honored to be a part of their beautiful lives. How often do we take advantage of the simple act of loving our children? I think every parent "loves" their child, however, I think there is a different type of love that goes into truly loving a child. This is something I never knew until last year. I got an odd phone call last night. It was from a lady looking for a nanny. She received my number via a reference. I was taken back for some reason. My cup runneth over. I never thought I would find myself in a position that I wouldn't even think twice about turning down a job opportunity. I am so happy in my current position of my career that nothing could tempt me from it. Luckily, I could give her a good reference to my friend, Anna. I pray this could be an opportunity to brighten up her life. I just found it funny how things can go full swing like that.

Today

Today I woke up. Today I kept breathing. Today I kept living. Today I survived.

Nine years ago a young boy took his last breath. Not a day goes by that I don't think of him and not smile. Time has healed the sting, but the dull pain never goes away. Like a scab, I will let myself pick at it here and there but as soon as the cut appeared, I knew it would scar.

L.C.K.D 1-10-2003