Late night thoughts about "life"

            "Life's a dance, you learn as you go, sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow."

Life....Life....Life is.....Life.....Life could quite possibly be the most irritating and confusing concept of this world. Webster has about 20 definitional variations of this small, four letter word. The most common conclusion was "a period of existence." I keep looking at my period of existence thus far and can't help but focus on the last 4-5 years of my timeline. SO much has changed. I have done so much, seen so much, moved..so much. I had all these plans and expectations of where I would be at 21. Honestly, I am not too far from it. I am just about right where I want to be. The most startling part of that though, is I am not the person I thought I would be at 21. Now, I don't think that is per say a bad thing, just not what I had expected. This whole life as an adult is a lot harder than I expected it to be. It takes its tolls. It truly amazes me how many times I go to far and have to reel myself back in and think, "how the heck did I unknowingly cross so many lines?" It is just that easy. Wait a second...easy? Weren't we just discussing how hard life is? Yes, we were. Now you see my point. Life is not one way or the other. It is both. At the same time. Both attacking from every angle. Leaving you in the fetal position wondering what the heck is happening. I mean, that is how I feel most days. It is frightening for me to see how easy I get sidetracked and have to start over at square one again. How does one exist in this life safely and properly without locking themselves in a box with water and the Bible? I had a really great conversation with my roommate on Saturday morning over coffee about how our parents raised us and their logic behind it. The trust parents have of their children to make the right decisions because they taught us to infer right and wrong. Today though, everyone keeps telling me there is no right or wrong. YOU get to decide that. Whhhaaaattt?? Where, when and HOW did I earn the right to decide what is right or wrong? I don't want that responsibility!!  Its a tainted logic and it is destructing our young society today. We are human thus we are born sinful and cannot differ the two properly.
I look at both my sisters' beautiful lives and my heart just sinks. I feel like I have crossed the line of grey too many times to find that type of happiness. They have been through their 20s and come out alive and get to enjoy the downhill now. I know I am just starting, but I am still concerned. What if I am that person God never made someone for? What if I am to be used elsewhere in this world? I know that is a possibility and if that is my path, I take it gratefully. However, I am scared all the same. I am not the person I thought I would be at 21. Life is not the way I thought it would be as a child. I can only resolve that every single day I am loved by Christ. He has bigger plans for me than I do for myself. I need to start living up to my true Father's expectations for myself.