The Beginning of the End

I can't believe it's already down to the last few days. I remember talking about "the next six weeks" as if it were yesterday. The past 18 months have been those of more learning and healing. I grew in my relationships and in myself. It wasn't always easy and definitely not what I expected, but here I am. Another chapter ending; another page turning. I am ready and excited. I am leaving this experience on such great terms. It makes a WORLD of a difference. There are no extreme piercings or big sister rescuing required. Just a smile, probably a few good bye tears and a whole lot of "I will see you later"s.

I love Omaha. People scoff so often because it is in "Nebraska." I give it another 5-10 years before that city is in relation to Chicago and NYC. It has more than those other cities though. It's almost this kind of hidden secret. There is a reason people (like my brothers) keep roots there and always come back, calling it home. I happened to have lucked out and be able to be living in the old Dundee district. It's going to be wonderful. I can't wait to build a better relationship with my nieces and sister in law. Stay tuned for future updates on what's to come after this next chapter of 6 months. :D It could end up being quite the adventure.

As I near my last week with these beautiful ladies, I can't help but feel that a small part of me will be remaining in a small Missouri suburb. Love you little smurf babies!

Dig Deep

I have never had any problem with love. I think the first thing I ever knew how to do was love. It comes very naturally to me. I trust upon meeting a personal and am always the optimist. I have in an odd way of priding myself on my strength to "keep calm and carry on." Yeah I have emotional fits here and there, but as it happens, the sun always comes up the next day. Lately I have been struggling with that inner strength. I am reading this book my father gave me called "Grace in Ungracious Places" (great read btw) which is trying to teach me how to forgive myself. It has kind of rocked me to the core so I feel my innards feeling all vulnerable and such. I have done a little backsliding here and there and am trying to reground myself. So many good good things have happened to me the past few years. So many good people. People who have given and taught me more than words can describe. Thank you. Just you. From my knees I feel myself beginning to dig deep and really get my foundation properly laid out. So my encouragement to you this night is to dig deep. Love others but never forget to love yourself. We all need a dose of grace here and there. Take it and exhale. My ex boyfriend was always really great at calming me down when I got upset. He d always tell me to "Breathe babe, just breathe." At first I would want to get mad because I didn't want to stinking breathe, I wanted to be upset! Realizing later, I could still be upset but breathing always cleared my head and allowed me to focus more on the core of the issue. I guess my point in all of this is that these small things like love and grace and breathing all give us an extra edge to dig deep on those days we feel like we have nothing left. And when we fail once again as humans to do so ourselves, One is always waiting with a backup. Blessings, my friends.

Grace in Ungracious Places

I have never felt a huge connection with my namesake. I would always laugh as I stumble around with spilt coffee and leftover lunch down my shirt and think, "I may very well be thee least graceful person I ve ever met." It wasn't until I stood silently in my parents kitchen as the one of many tears rolled off my cheeks that I finally caught a glimpse of true grace. Not of myself but of the purest and truest form of love God gives His children.
As the words of scripture are read from my dad's lips, I begin to understand. My weakness is when God's grace shines the brightest.

I am so very hard on myself when it comes to my shortcomings. I think we all are to a degree. I began a journey of recovery this evening and it I've never believed more that God's grace is truly sufficient. Bless my parents. Ever so patient and kind when it comes to me. I so desperately want to understand and be understood. I want it all to make sense. I want to let go. I want to be heard. I want to not stand and nod when Im screaming on the inside. I want my pride to ask for help. I want to stop calling myself crazy. I just want to be. I don't know what it means to be though. To be and be still. To allow myself to receive the grace so graciously given. However, when all of that is stuck inside me with no words to say, I become this cavity of emotional turmoil. The battle begins in my heart and takes over my brain. It blurs everything and I only feel the painful reminder of healed wounds and deep scar tissue. I consider this an ungracious place.

Time and time again as Christians, we go through this process of "knowing" God and feeling a "connection" with Him through our walk of faith. The instant gratification that my generation has so openly embraced plays a big role. Once I remember feeling so satisfied in church because they made me feel such a close "connection" with God. Then later felt upset because the feel good went away. The good vibes I created were only temporary. Gods grace however, is not. His type of feel good comes in those most ungracious of times. I have been listening to a lot of Christian radio lately and heard something that has really stuck with me. "Sometimes God redeems us from our struggles, and sometimes He redeems us through our struggles." That, my friends, is grace in ungracious places.

As I begin this journey of discovering true grace, my prayer for you is to allow those arms of love so waiting and willing to be encircled around your heart. And I pray you are able to receive your grace given in your ungracious times.