Control

      I think it is safe to admit I have a few "control issues." I like to have things "under wraps." I like to make sure things run smoothly. I have no problem stepping in and overseeing a project. I am not OCD or a type A personality soooooo that makes it quite odd. I am super chill and go with the flow, however when it comes to my life... I have severe trust issues. I believe in al grand plan. I believe God made me within His grand design and that I am meant for great things according to His purpose. However, there is a catch. I passionately believe all of that but when it comes to actually giving the reins of my life over to Him and letting go...cue control issues. There is a root to every "issue." I think mine might be rooted in my brother, Luke's death ten years ago. My life was completely out of my control. I was just grasping at straws trying to figure everything out and what was happening, I felt like I had nothing to cling to. I had zero control. I couldn't stop Luke from dying. I couldn't stop the pain. I definitely couldn't stop the tears. I couldn't get to my mother, who I so desperately wanted. I couldn't change my decision to visit them in California. I couldn't make it all stop. I had no control. I was stuck. Stuck and drowning. Now, through the past decade I have gained the wisdom to understand in times like these we need to cling to Christ. Well at the age of 11, that was not something I thought was possible. I remember my parents, grandparents, friends, pastors, everyone telling me to just keep praying. For an eleven year old..that just wasn't good enough. That didn't make me feel better. I was in pain. Nothing made sense. I felt like my ever stable life had fallen from underneath me. I was spinning into the abyss. I knew that praying was talking to God and telling Him all your woes. So I would find myself begging Him to make the pain go away and bring my brother back. To heal all the sorrow in my home. I found myself talking to air. Nothing. I got no response and no comfort. So I got mad. I got mad and I got bitter. I had been told my whole life that God would never leave me nor forsake me and here I was  feeling so alone. I still went through all the motions of a tween and young Christian, but my heart was cold and hardened. I was hurt that God had let all of this happen to me and my family. What did we do to deserve this? As a young child, I didn't get it. I didn't know how to ask for help in understanding everything because I so desperately wanted to be strong. That there is quite telling as to who I am today and why by the way. When I was in 7th or 8th grade, I went and spent a week at Heit's Point for summer camp. During that week, I felt a change stirring in my heart. I felt God breaking down those walls I had built and relieving me of all the burden I had been carrying around. I was humbled and broken down so that He could start the process of rebuilding me and my faith. Faith is a journey every single day. From that week on, I have struggled every day with the Devil's obstacles and trials. Somewhere along the way I realized I was not alone in those struggles. That is what it means to be a Christian. I guess what these memories remind me is don't take for granted a hard chapter in your life. You never know what God is going to teach you.

Today, I still struggle with giving God control of my life because I am afraid of the pain. I am afraid of what He will ask of me and whether I will be strong enough to do His bidding. I was tested a few years ago when my brother, Gabe was assaulted at a house party in Warrensburg and suffered severe brain damage. I remember the rush of familiarity I felt that day. "No Lord. NO. I can't do this again. I can't." God showed me mercy that day. I was stuck at my parents house with no car and no way to get up to the hospital to see Gabe. I felt it all happening again and I was going crazy thinking I would once again not be there when one of my brothers was dying. My friend, Andrew drove me to the hospital to be with my family only to turn around and drive 4 hours back to school. He was my deliverance that day. Gabe's trauma was a miracle in itself. He went hope days later and has made a full recovery. The funny part is that we really don't have a choice. We don't get to choose what is already chosen for us. He just requires us to believe. So keep the faith, my friends, for even in times of trial and despair, He truly never leaves nor forsakes you. If you need some encouragement, read Job. He'll show you what it means to keep the faith.

Acceptance

 It has been said that a person can go through a number of stages when dealing with grief. Some experience all of them, some none, and others get stuck in one for an extended period of time. I remember going through them over the past decade while healing from my brother, Luke's death. I remember going through a lot of the stages whenever I dealt with any sort of loss, actually. Sometimes it was a minor change in my life, other times it was something more extensive. Regardless of any amount of healing there was always a final process I went through. Acceptance. You learn to accept the fact of whats happen and then basically you start building anew from there. Sitting here tonight watching one of my favorite TV shows, I realized something. Acceptance gives us that closure to move on and rebuild, however at the same time..its the most heartbreaking moment. For me, acceptance was realizing that I would never see my brother again. I would never see him graduate high school, go to college, get married, get to spoil his children or grow old with him. I really wanted to grow old with him. Acceptance is knowing that whats done was and is final. The way a healing program is set up makes you think the first stages of grief will be the most painful and difficult. The hardest step a person can take is to accept the end of that change. Its like reading a really great book and the ending completing throwing you for a loop. Or a break up you weren't expecting. You have to accept that is how it ends and move on. There is a prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr that is very fitting for the acceptance process.

God, give me grace to accept with serenity

the things that cannot be changed,

Courage to change the things

which should be changed,

and the Wisdom to distinguish

the one from the other.

Living one day at a time,

Enjoying one moment at a time,

Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,

Taking, as Jesus did,

This sinful world as it is,

Not as I would have it,

Trusting that You will make all things right,

If I surrender to Your will,

So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,

And supremely happy with You forever in the next.

Amen.

  The first part of this poem has been adopted by Alcoholics Anonymous and other step program groups. Its quite fitting is it not? Serenity. A state of peace. That is what we seek, right? Yet I can't help but feel almost a panic build up in my soul. I don't want to accept the end. I did not want to accept that Luke had died. I didn't want to find peace. I felt like resolving to the facts meant I was moving on without him. I did not want to move on. Peace meant acceptance. I do not want to accept that I don't have the control. Control.. That a topic for another post..

  As I just re-read Niebuhr's prayer, there were words that stuck out to me. Moment. Peace. Jesus.Trusting. Right. Surrender. Will. Happy. You. Forever.

   Don't let the Devil cause you to panic because you have reached acceptance. Acceptance isn't just a final step and you are done. You LIVE with the acceptance. You have to choose to accept the ending of your challenge every single day. Some days, it won't be conscious. If you ever run into a day where you don't feel like you can accept the conclusion to that story, say a prayer. Say Niebuhr's prayer. Trust and surrender yourself and know He is taking care of you. Now and forever.

Remade

You Are More by Tenth Avenue North

There's a girl in the corner
With tear stains on her eyes
From the places she's wandered
And the shame she can't hide

She says, "How did I get here?
I'm not who I once was.
And I'm crippled by the fear
That I've fallen too far to love"

But don't you know who you are,
What's been done for you?
Yeah don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

Well she tries to believe it
That she's been given new life
But she can't shake the feeling
That it's not true tonight

She knows all the answers
And she's rehearsed all the lines
And so she'll try to do better
But then she's too weak to try

But don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

'Cause this is not about what you've done,
But what's been done for you.
This is not about where you've been,
But where your brokenness brings you to

This is not about what you feel,
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

This song represents a long and hard struggle inside myself. The constant battle that I lose every day on my own. Through Christ I end up victorious at the end of every day. Though I stand here broken, I know He will piece me
back together. The world makes me feel helpless and it is so disheartening. I haven't been strong enough to fight off the challenges of this life and I can't deny it any longer. So I listen to Tenth Avenue Norths reminder that every day I am remade and made new and clean through Christ.

With the help of a little Pixie Dust

I have this friend. She is probably the quirkiest, sweetest thing I have ever met. We attended all four years of high school together. The first three years we were classmates but never were very close. Something clicked our senior year. I remember camp outs in her dorm room, prom and senior trip.
She has such a big heart and gives without a second thought of what that might mean for her. To be completely honest... I think the last time I saw her was our graduation day. Which was almost 4 years ago.. Wow.. That's so long ago.. She is a constant in my life. It does not matter how many years have gone by, she is one of the most reliable people in my ever changing life. About a year ago, she calls me and says "Don't freak out. I'm fine. But I have to tell you something." I braced myself for what was coming. "I needed to tell you because the meds have stopped working..." I hear her voice continue to explain everything but my mind is in a cloud. I heard my heart say, "Lord, give me strength to help her in this." I took a deep breath and said "Okay..what do we do?"

My friend had been diagnosed with Lupus. For those who don't know about lupus, it is a long term autoimmune disease. The symptoms normally affect the skin, joints, kidneys and sometimes the brain. She had informed me the steroids were no longer working and they needed to do some drastic treatment. I'm happy to report that today, things seem to be on the upswing with treatments. The amount of strength and positivity I have seen in this woman the last year has astonished me. She hates needles...I mean like hates them. Yet a couple
times a month she sits without complaining as they poke and prod her. She has remained by my side through my ups and downs, never skipping a beat. She recently got a tattoo that said one word. "LIVE." She said she was tired of just getting by and was ready to start living again. Through literally fighting her body from self destruction, she comes to me and asks how I am? She is worried about how I am handling everything. Haha. I wanted to smack her. I was like, you don't get to be the strong one in this, Missy!! What an example though. In her darkest hour, her heart still worries not of herself but those she loves. She s one of the best people I know and I thank God every single day for her. One of her favorite characters is Tinkerbell from Peter Pan. I understand why now because she goes around giving people the faith to persevere and know we can conquer anything with Christ. So here is to you,
my friend. With faith, trust and pixie dust. ;) I love you!