Quitting The Pursuit Of Happiness

Dear Favorite Things, its been awhile.
I stopped writing. Or at least I thought I had until I hopped back on here and saw how many drafts I started and never finished. I think I lost my voice among the internet's rage. Everyone posts their thoughts, opinions and feelings on every forum possible. Everyone screaming to be heard.  It made me feel like I should quiet my own thoughts. But, I am going to try and find that voice again. I have a piece about self love brewing... We'll see how that one translates on a keyboard. In the meantime...I found this one I wrote sometime last year. It still echoes in my heart. Every word. Cheers!

:: Most of my life has been spent searching for the next thing. I would go through my days and tell myself if I can just make it to the next phase, then I will be happy. Or then I will be able to shake that feeling of fear in the pit of my stomach. Honestly, it started way back even before high school. I remember thinking if I could just get to the next year or the next sports season. Always looking forward, hoping for something different. Searching for that moment it all clicked and I found happiness. Its the goal right? The pursuit of happiness. I was in the frame of mind that if I could just find a way to be happy, life would be simpler. What did I think would make me happy? For awhile it was if I just found a great guy, it d all work out and I would begin my life. Then it was, no guy but a great job, would accomplish what heartbreak did not. Nope. Money didn't make me happy either. What about comfort? Being around family and friends would have to give me what the world could not. Still nope. So I came to Omaha, Nebraska. Originally it was suppose to be for 6 months. I had a job lined up in Ireland in the fall of 2014. Surely traveling as a nanny was it. That was my purpose and where it was all going to fall into place. Could it get better than that?!! When that fell through, I was disappointing but I found the most ideal nanny family in Omaha. All aboard the train straight to the happiness station! The job was everything I could want but still...happiness just wouldn't stay but for a fleeting moment. Where else could I find it then? Lets try the great guy option. Maybe last time it was just the wrong place, wrong time. Nope. Still no happiness to be found. Am I doing it wrong? Is my pursuit somehow flawed? Why haven't I found it yet? Why do I have to wait so much longer than the others? "If only I was.... If I could only do.... If I hadn't done..." Doubts and insecurities flooded my heart as I kept pursuing my goals. If I can just get to the next phase, maybe it ll happen. As soon as I would realize happiness wasn't to be found in a particular stage, I was already on to the next, searching.

The reality of this life of pursuit started to sink in. I didn't even know who or what I was anymore.. So lost in the fix it all and suggestions others had for me to correct my discontent. "Put yourself out there... Finally lose the weight and just wait to see who comes back to you... Just let go and let God. If you believe, He'll bless you... You do you... It all happens when you least expect it...You need to just detach yourself from people... Have you tried exercise? Endorphins make you happy!..Stop being such a people pleaser... It is so much harder on you since you don't have someone to lean on... Just get out of your head and do it... You overthink too much... Have you thought about seeing a therapist?.. You look so much thinner, are you finally happy?.."
Soon, I realized I was never going to "find happiness." Happiness, like anger or hunger or sadness or frustration, is an emotion. It comes and goes with the day of ups and downs. So this being true, what then was I searching so hard to find? What was my heart aching to be filled with? As I began to dig through my life, I found residue of broken hearts, wavering confidence, deep rooted layers of unworthiness and emotional disconnect. I kept digging and at the very bottom, I found myself. Sitting there patiently, waiting to be found. I saw, among the chaos of my life's baggage and choices, a version of myself I had always dreamt of. One that stood with her head held high, wielding her shield, ready to fight whatever came her way.
I decided to quit pursuing happiness. To be honest though, I do feel happy most days. Like today for instance. I had a few moments that were so high, a friend even said my eyes were sparkling. The warrior inside of me had full rays of sunshine to bask in. Then as quickly as the light pierced those dark corners, it faded. Moments later, I felt a weight on my chest and could feel a battle start to rumble. In years past, that would have led me to panic and find a fix all for the sudden shift and wave of unhappiness. This time, I just knew it was another battle in the war of life. My battles are mostly silent. They rage on inside me every single day without mercy. Some days are more brutal than others, but in the end, I still get to the end of the day in one piece. And that is empowering. To conquer a single 24 hour period is a victory. Upon realizing the reasons behind my pursuit of happiness, I began to look around me and see so many other warriors fighting similar battles. Its isolating...fighting the way we do. Our insecurities raising havoc in our hearts and telling us we aren't worthy of anyone's ear or time. This helped me realize how common struggles are. The pendulum had once again found its balance for me, but I know there are some still struggling. To be seen. To be heard and even to be found.::

Never stop pursuing, Friends!

Tolerable

Almost a year later I find myself a little bit further down the road but coming around to the same general conclusions..

:August 2017:

"And so I now have this irrational fear that I won't be enough now because I learned how to bury the majority of myself to be tolerable."

   As my fingers rapidly hit 'send' and reread the above statement, I began to cry. My tears fell for all those moments flashing in my head where people told me I was too much. To stop being so dramatic. To not have so many feelings. That my personality was a blessing and a curse. That the best parts about me were also the reasons they didn't want to spend time with me anymore. Its stinging reality came with a wave of relief though. That message was sent to my boyfriend, who God bless him, somehow keeps telling me I'm not too much. That my low points are valid and normal to my life experiences. 

   As I stepped away from my life of secrets and silence, I have learned to avoid certain triggers and habits that allow me to live a pretty balanced life. This week... I have been terrible at avoiding them. Its almost as if I embraced them. So now here I find myself, writing this blog on 4 hours of sleep the past 48 hours. However, here we are. And I have thoughts.. and many feelings. 

    I can honestly say...I don't think my life has ever been so full and happy. I truly mean that. I am in an amazing season and am so incredibly blessed to be surrounded and loved by all of these amazing people. That being said, I found myself very sad today. Sad for how quickly life changed to get to this full and happy place. For how many relationships I lost all at once earlier this year. For the habits and changes I made. For the selective ways I now avoid areas of life so I don't end up on my bedroom floor in a panic again. I don't want to be this way. I don't want to have these issues with anxiety. I don't want to feel like a flake all the time. I don't want to tell someone "its okay" when I am screaming at the top of my lungs on the inside that it is not. That I get so freaking angry and hurt sometimes. But I can't go and tell that person because it just comes back to me reacting to all my feelings. So how can I find the balance? How do I confront conflict without inflicting myself as a victim to my circumstances? 

   This is what I know. In the happiest days of my life, there is still brokenness. For every mountain I conquer, I have 12 more to climb. For every bad day, there is a new one coming. For every great day, there are still bruises. This life is messy. And real. And it is mine. So screaming from the top of my little inner voice mountain, "I am scared. I am too much. I am tolerated. But I am also fearlessly confident in knowing I am enough. I am loved. And I am sought after. 

Irrepressible Good

      

Yesterday afternoon someone I care for very much, hurt me. Hurt me in a completely thoughtless and cowardly way. So I spent today hurting. Not like that dull ache that comes and goes when you are sad or missing someone. The hurt that left me temporarily curled up in my bed not able to really move or comprehend reality. A hurt that three years ago, would have led me to the darkest corners of my heart and mind. We all have those corners. They are scary places to unintentionally find yourself. So out of some heavenly gates, my people showed up. One after another, they called, they crawled into bed with me, held me, let me cry and validated every pin sticking in my heart. I found myself laying there thinking that if this happened three years ago, I wouldn't have told them I was hurting. I would have just laid in misery, telling myself I deserved everything I was getting. I would have believed I had done something wrong. I would have lived in doubt, guilt shame and fear.
So today, amidst a really, really hard day, I learned something about myself I would never acknowledge before. I am worth loving.

     Let it be known I live the largest chunk of my life as a grand optimist. I try and see the good in even the worst of situations, regardless of how messy it might be. Sometimes it takes me a little longer than others to find it, but most would agree, I am a pretty good at digging it up.

   I believe that we as people are good. A theologist somewhere and a whole hoot of others will come after me for saying that, but I do, in the very heart of my being, believe that. We were originally made perfect as per design but fell into utter brokenness. So whether we are broken first or good first, take it to mentioned theologist.

  Here is my case. If we choose as a human race to stop seeing good in people, what, I ask, what is the friggin' point? People make thee most horrible and unimaginable decisions possible because they live in a broke world. They cant help it. Myself included. I have done and said things that have hurt others and myself. Nothing you or I do will fix that. But what we can do, is set each other up to thrive. If we fail, we made a bad decision. That doesn't mean from there on out, we will continue to do so. But if we pigeon hole each other after a bad decision, we re all doomed. "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." My version of that is "Fine, shame on me twice, but please for the love of a merciful God, do not do this to anyone else." Learn from your decisions, whether they be good or bad. Because I promise you, every single one you make.. effects someone. I saw the greatest good in this person that hurt me. Yet when it came down to it, they made a really bad decision. And it effected me A TON. But I know in my heart this person is good. I experienced it. Knew it. Was familiar with it. This does not mean they get to remain in my life, but it does mean I somehow still believe that they can follow up a bad decision with a good one later on. Even if I never get to experience it again. Let me point out, no amount good fixes the brokenness. Its impossible so don't try. Just counter it. Push for balance because man, you guys, misery sucks. Real, real bad. If you don't believe you have that goodness in you, come pay me a visit. Ill find it. Apparently to a fault. A blindsiding fault.

  Our good is irrepressible. Its in there somewhere hidden between other broken pieces. I have to believe good comes regardless of brokenness or else I get too burdened by it. Especially today. Investment in people's good can leave you hurt. My sister has always told me that. Sometimes we hurt those we love the most. It comes with loving people. It comes with being a human being. It comes with this life. At least in mine it does. I can't seem to believe the worst even when its staring at me directly in the face. Which is why we all need people. They re pretty good at standing guard for us.

   My dad told me this once when I was in those dark corners :"Its a bad day, babe. Not a bad life." I hated him in that moment because I wanted more than just one day to be miserable. :) So take your days, take your moments, but please get back up and keep fighting. We need your good. Even if its with some bad and brokenness. I guess tomorrow I will get up and go find myself another broken fool with buried good.

Politics

So here's your cliche start to any good political rant "I'm not big into politics but..." Or "I never say anything about so and so but.." 

Here is my big 'ol fat 'BUT' for you... 

Donald Trump. Republican nominee for President of the United States of

America. Never have I ever had such a strong opinion about anyone in my life. 

As most any of you know, last week released the first of now many allegations  of Trumps sexual indiscretions both verbal and physical. That article. That clip. It struck a chord with me. I have learned a lot about myself in these 25 years on earth. One of them is this: I am very good at down playing deeply felt and highly reactive emotions I have towards something controversial. I am a people pleaser. I don't want to cause conflict if there isn't any and want everyone to find a happy balance. A grand optimist in all outcomes. So as it turns out, I had a very deep and highly reactive response to hearing Donald Trump say he "could do anything" and "grab them by the p****." Let me tell you just how deep those words hurt. As a woman, who has been "grabbed by the p****" and demoralized as to nothing more than a play thing, I am appalled. I am appalled that this is the IMAGE we are giving to our daughters and sons as someone who stands by what the Relublican represents. This is the man who will not just "be in office 4 years til we come up with something better." This man will be sworn into the history of our country as a voice, a face and a mark maker for so many years to come. 

I posted the article about the leaked video of Trump's "locker room talk" with a plea to all my Facebook friends to not vote for him. Of course, it spiked many unwanted comments about voting and the "politics" of it. What I didn't expect was a text from a longtime friend. She said in light of my FB post, she felt it on her heart to tell me she was going to vote for Trump. I was taken aback but wasn't super surprised she was choosing the Republican Party. So fast forward a week later and here I lie in bed at 3 in the morning, unable to shake off why that text was bothering me so much. I ended up texting her back and explaining why I couldn't vote for Trump and why my plea was so adamant. But then after reading it, I started to cry. I was suddenly overcome by the helplessness of our broken world. We, as just people, are broken. We as an American society are broken. And it's not going to be fixed by a great president, or an agreeable Congress or religion or every day being free pie day.(although I support that.) We have to start in our homes. In our neighborhoods and in our children. Gone are the days without Internet and not having access to the world. We can't protect them and their innocence like our parents did with us. We can only educate them. Teach them the difference between words and actions and how both are harmful and have weight. Teach them respect and conviction to take a stand. Teach them to be passionate but to do no harm. Teach them to love. Because if nothing else, simply loving a broken person can change the trajectory of their life and all the lives they interact with. It is impossible for us as finite humans to change the heart of another person. But we can love them well. Despite all their. crap. Sadly, all of that doesn't change the fact that we still have to vote on Nov.4th... So when it comes to that, I can't tell you what to do. 

So in conclusion to my political rant... Please love well. Be better. Because I truly believe in goodness. It's there. Let's dig deeper, my friends. 

Cheers! 

Observations

Some observations I have about life and my day so far. 

*Nanny life... It isn't easy. It's compared to being a parent often, but I would not consider it remotely close. Being a nanny isn't better or worse, it's just different. Like any interaction with a human, you have a relationship with the kids you take care of. It's not like a mommy or daddy relationship. It's unique to itself. I spend give or take 50hours a weeks it's these kiddos. They are who I interact with the most every day. They re my friends, my comedic relief, my dose of reality, my depths of despair and always my questionable levels of insanity. I think about them when they re not around. I always pray that they behave well for their parents at night. That they will follow through on all the hard work we put in every day. It's a beautiful picture to paint, but being a nanny is hard. It's my life but it's also my job. My job is based around their levels of education and are they meeting required milestones. My life is showing them to see life through many scopes, teaching them to think outside of themselves and to be something bigger. Giving them the freedom of independence and cultivating kindness. I want them to be great and confident and fearless. You might be thinking, 'sounds like all the things a parent would want for their kid too. Aren't you treating them like a parent?' No. I don't want all these things for them because I feel like they are my kids, but because they are kids. My desire for my nanny kids isn't just for them. ALL kids deserve to have those things. As a care giver, I'm not just raising  kids, I'm raising the future of our society. Not just bc I'm a nanny...but because I am an adult. I felt the weight of this responsibility lately. That this is more than just a job, it's life. And it isn't just my life, it's all of ours. We all have this responsibility to kids. It's hard because I constantly forget. I go home and I get caught up in my life and my struggles and I forget that when I go through tough times in life, they do too. When I am stressed and tired from not sleeping and spend a day with them constantly frustrated and impatient, I put strain on our relationship. Teaching them to trust me is a harder task than I ever imagined. Between their parents and myself, We are the first experience they will ever have in trusting someone fully. You can see that in all adult lives. People's stories matter because we are actual products of how we were raised. We, as a adults. get to choose to be refined or remain as we are. When you have a relationship with a little one, they love better than all of us. When I'm sad because of things in my personal life, they pick up on it and I get more hugs and more kisses that day without even asking. When I have to apologize for getting upset with them for unwarranted reasons, they are so quick to forgive and give me grace. Maybe we as adults need to continue to learn from the ones we are teaching. I know I do. Ever day. Because relationships grow us. Constantly. There is weight to being a person! And I feel like it's time we all start feeling it.* Clearly I'm in tune with my emotions, I cry over anything and everything lately. (🐶, Last night it was the New Girl finale) I think I finally realized I'm allowed to feel emotions as an adult because sometimes I am sad. And I am angry and I am oh so happy. And sometimes I want to scream. My kids taught me that it's ok to feel those things. Zander saw me sad one day and told me it was ok to cry if I was hurt and he d get me a bandaid. Emotions are real and valid. A six year old taught me that.again. 

So here I am, sitting in beautiful green grass observing my two nanny kiddos play in the sand from a distance. I know they will come calling when they can't figure out a problem or when they need a booboo kissed. They trust me to be sitting here. But what I realized today is that I trust them to come to me as well. Because that's what a real relationship is. 

*Cheers* 

Multiple Accounts

I realized today that I have multiple accounts for almost every social media profile. Why is this? Am I the only one who wants a piece away from all those people who already have so much of me? I started a foodie Instagram account about a month ago and I LOVE IT! I feel like it is a special place for all the things I truly love outside of my day to day grind. I have the greatest job. I get to work with three incredible tiny humans and I post pictures of them constantly on my first account. But my new account for some reason, I want to be void of that specific hat I wear. Is it an identity crisis? It could be. I sometimes have to go home and remind myself I am a single, 24 year old woman who has lots of freedom and love left to give the world. It's really easy to sink into this hole of being the single caretaker of 3 kids who suck me dry of everything I have. That I can only come home and sit in front of the TV and live vicariously through the life of characters. 

Those are lies.. And some days I believe them. Today isn't one of those days though. Today I believe in my ability to work 14 hours, go home, love on my dog, read a good book and have a conversation with my roomies. Or grab a drink with a friend after a long day. Or find a food truck for late night street fries. Because I live in this world. I can wear many hats and love many things. I have no identity outside of Christ, which frees me to identify with what I wish. So here are a few of my favorite things this week.

My dog who I feel like I never have time for and loves me anyways 

I wasn't kidding about those street fries. Thank you, Local Motive! 

My Crossfit gym lets me bring my dog inside while I workout. They re so great. I love my gym. 

My niece did my hair and make up one weekend and I felt like a million bucks! My short hair allows me to do lots of fun retro do's. 

I once went to a music festival and flirted my way into free beer because I sometimes open my mouth and say funny and clever words. 

It is unknown to me, even now, why I love men and bears so much... Large, hairy creatures. It's weird. No, I'm serious.. Look at my phone case... 

My 14 year old niece once designed me a chest tattoo and to this day, think it's super rad and would love to get it one day. She is so awesome. 

Ok.. One more. 

Cheers!! 

The Grand Optimist

I consider myself to be an optimist. I think mostly because I want to believe in the good of this life. I want to believe in the best of people. I want to experience the good, give the good, set an individual up to succeed. We live in such a pessimistic world where everyone's out to put themselves on the top. Lately, I have found myself absorbing some of that pessimism. Adulthood is once again proving to be a little harder than expected. It's a constant balancing act. The good with bad, the hard with easy, the simple and the complicated. We hear the series of "do this and that, but no no, not that or this." How are we suppose to know what's right for us in the end? How do we see the forest when we re so thick in the underbrush? I have lived many of my days in a constant attempt to keep control of the events in my life. The last 6 humbling months have reminded me, I have no control. So here I am, trying to control how uncontrollable my life is. I guess I just figured that God and my faith would keep my life clean cut and easy. Well it's not that simple. The devil rules this earth and he does NOT make anything easy. Or clean cut. I feel like in light of all my enlightenement, I have discovered how messy I actually am. Since very young, my sense of worth has been off base. My identity was placed in my roles instead of my Lord. It might still be. It changes day to day. I guess all I can conclude is the black and white world I was raised in is way more grey than I ever imagined it could be. So as a grand optimist, I keep plugging along, knowing to expect the world's pessimism around the corner waiting for me. Thank God for His abounding grace because I don't know if I want to face it without the light at the end of the tunnel.

"He was the Grand Optimist, I'm the world's Poor Pessimist." 

         The Grand Optimist-CityandColour