Quitting The Pursuit Of Happiness

Dear Favorite Things, its been awhile.
I stopped writing. Or at least I thought I had until I hopped back on here and saw how many drafts I started and never finished. I think I lost my voice among the internet's rage. Everyone posts their thoughts, opinions and feelings on every forum possible. Everyone screaming to be heard.  It made me feel like I should quiet my own thoughts. But, I am going to try and find that voice again. I have a piece about self love brewing... We'll see how that one translates on a keyboard. In the meantime...I found this one I wrote sometime last year. It still echoes in my heart. Every word. Cheers!

:: Most of my life has been spent searching for the next thing. I would go through my days and tell myself if I can just make it to the next phase, then I will be happy. Or then I will be able to shake that feeling of fear in the pit of my stomach. Honestly, it started way back even before high school. I remember thinking if I could just get to the next year or the next sports season. Always looking forward, hoping for something different. Searching for that moment it all clicked and I found happiness. Its the goal right? The pursuit of happiness. I was in the frame of mind that if I could just find a way to be happy, life would be simpler. What did I think would make me happy? For awhile it was if I just found a great guy, it d all work out and I would begin my life. Then it was, no guy but a great job, would accomplish what heartbreak did not. Nope. Money didn't make me happy either. What about comfort? Being around family and friends would have to give me what the world could not. Still nope. So I came to Omaha, Nebraska. Originally it was suppose to be for 6 months. I had a job lined up in Ireland in the fall of 2014. Surely traveling as a nanny was it. That was my purpose and where it was all going to fall into place. Could it get better than that?!! When that fell through, I was disappointing but I found the most ideal nanny family in Omaha. All aboard the train straight to the happiness station! The job was everything I could want but still...happiness just wouldn't stay but for a fleeting moment. Where else could I find it then? Lets try the great guy option. Maybe last time it was just the wrong place, wrong time. Nope. Still no happiness to be found. Am I doing it wrong? Is my pursuit somehow flawed? Why haven't I found it yet? Why do I have to wait so much longer than the others? "If only I was.... If I could only do.... If I hadn't done..." Doubts and insecurities flooded my heart as I kept pursuing my goals. If I can just get to the next phase, maybe it ll happen. As soon as I would realize happiness wasn't to be found in a particular stage, I was already on to the next, searching.

The reality of this life of pursuit started to sink in. I didn't even know who or what I was anymore.. So lost in the fix it all and suggestions others had for me to correct my discontent. "Put yourself out there... Finally lose the weight and just wait to see who comes back to you... Just let go and let God. If you believe, He'll bless you... You do you... It all happens when you least expect it...You need to just detach yourself from people... Have you tried exercise? Endorphins make you happy!..Stop being such a people pleaser... It is so much harder on you since you don't have someone to lean on... Just get out of your head and do it... You overthink too much... Have you thought about seeing a therapist?.. You look so much thinner, are you finally happy?.."
Soon, I realized I was never going to "find happiness." Happiness, like anger or hunger or sadness or frustration, is an emotion. It comes and goes with the day of ups and downs. So this being true, what then was I searching so hard to find? What was my heart aching to be filled with? As I began to dig through my life, I found residue of broken hearts, wavering confidence, deep rooted layers of unworthiness and emotional disconnect. I kept digging and at the very bottom, I found myself. Sitting there patiently, waiting to be found. I saw, among the chaos of my life's baggage and choices, a version of myself I had always dreamt of. One that stood with her head held high, wielding her shield, ready to fight whatever came her way.
I decided to quit pursuing happiness. To be honest though, I do feel happy most days. Like today for instance. I had a few moments that were so high, a friend even said my eyes were sparkling. The warrior inside of me had full rays of sunshine to bask in. Then as quickly as the light pierced those dark corners, it faded. Moments later, I felt a weight on my chest and could feel a battle start to rumble. In years past, that would have led me to panic and find a fix all for the sudden shift and wave of unhappiness. This time, I just knew it was another battle in the war of life. My battles are mostly silent. They rage on inside me every single day without mercy. Some days are more brutal than others, but in the end, I still get to the end of the day in one piece. And that is empowering. To conquer a single 24 hour period is a victory. Upon realizing the reasons behind my pursuit of happiness, I began to look around me and see so many other warriors fighting similar battles. Its isolating...fighting the way we do. Our insecurities raising havoc in our hearts and telling us we aren't worthy of anyone's ear or time. This helped me realize how common struggles are. The pendulum had once again found its balance for me, but I know there are some still struggling. To be seen. To be heard and even to be found.::

Never stop pursuing, Friends!