The Grand Optimist

I consider myself to be an optimist. I think mostly because I want to believe in the good of this life. I want to believe in the best of people. I want to experience the good, give the good, set an individual up to succeed. We live in such a pessimistic world where everyone's out to put themselves on the top. Lately, I have found myself absorbing some of that pessimism. Adulthood is once again proving to be a little harder than expected. It's a constant balancing act. The good with bad, the hard with easy, the simple and the complicated. We hear the series of "do this and that, but no no, not that or this." How are we suppose to know what's right for us in the end? How do we see the forest when we re so thick in the underbrush? I have lived many of my days in a constant attempt to keep control of the events in my life. The last 6 humbling months have reminded me, I have no control. So here I am, trying to control how uncontrollable my life is. I guess I just figured that God and my faith would keep my life clean cut and easy. Well it's not that simple. The devil rules this earth and he does NOT make anything easy. Or clean cut. I feel like in light of all my enlightenement, I have discovered how messy I actually am. Since very young, my sense of worth has been off base. My identity was placed in my roles instead of my Lord. It might still be. It changes day to day. I guess all I can conclude is the black and white world I was raised in is way more grey than I ever imagined it could be. So as a grand optimist, I keep plugging along, knowing to expect the world's pessimism around the corner waiting for me. Thank God for His abounding grace because I don't know if I want to face it without the light at the end of the tunnel.

"He was the Grand Optimist, I'm the world's Poor Pessimist." 

         The Grand Optimist-CityandColour

The Chopping Block

"What are you doing?!?!?"

"What do you think they'd do if they really knew who you are? Wait... Who are you really?" 

"You re tainted goods. Such talk of that love doesn't apply to you."

 "Maybe you do not get the happy ending." 

"If you choose that, you will be wrong." 

"You are too weak to be who they want you to be." 

"You are not worthy of that." 

"Everything you thought you knew, is false."

"You. Are. Alone." 

I started this draft a couple weeks ago and as I began to finish it, asked myself what I wanted to accomplish in what I wrote. Here is the harsh reality. These words above are all lies. Falsehoods. Tainted truth. Misguided thoughts. Worldly definitions. Yet somehow, I found myself believing every word. We, as women, as children, as sisters, as friends, or aunts or mothers or whoever we are, are not always kind to ourselves. We let those lies reign true in our hearts. We have those moments where we actually believe the ugliness. This isn't just specific to women, men fight their own demons, but I, as a woman, want to speak to women. These are my words. My lies. My insecurities and doubts. I am coming out of a rather destructive season in my young adulthood. These words had very specific details to replaced the "this," "thats," and "thems." I found myself in such a self destructive state, I was fighting falsehoods and lies I hadn't heard of since high school. The devil dug real deep this time. No insecurity left unturned. These are specific to me and my walk. I can imagine yours are just as loud sometimes. Just as hurtful and always as harmful. Do you ever get tired of shutting them up? I do. I did. What I found in letting the lies and falsehoods rule my mind and heart was way more work. Mostly because I actually had to do work. As Christians, we know we have a savior who comes to us. He met us down here on this broken earth to prove in one more way, that we need not do anything. If you are like me in this way, you might struggle with that reality. Who am I to be offered such love and pursual? Who would travel to such a broke place to DIE so I could live forever. That seems like a lot of pressure. With a lot of strings attached. Accepting such a gift seems wasted on me somehow. As I search through Christian doctrines, I find myself with so many questions and confusions as to why grace is so abundant for some, but in the shadows for others. I digress on that for now. Back to how important loving women is! 

Since I am in a current cooking frenzy, let me give you a gourmet food analogy. Think of those fancy five star restaraunts where you pay a million bucks for 3 bites of insanely good food.  As women, we re often put on the chopping block. We dice ourselves into sizes and shapes we want to be perceived as or the expectation we think others desire. Then we re expected to be placed beautifully on those stark white plates in perfection and grace. No smudges and clean edges. Often times I feel like as soon as I'm set out there in said perfection, I am taken and placed in front of a 18month old toddler. If you have any and I mean ANY experience with toddlers, you have the exact image in your head I was trying to paint. Disasterous. The comfort in this is regardless of where our little pieces end up; under the table, across the room, in the candles, caked to the chair; God always comes in and cleans us up. Finds every piece and wipes away every smudge. What comfort. What frustration. Why can't we just not be placed in front of the toddler!?! Why can't it be be a civil human being with manners and utensils!? 

So as I struggle to replace harsh lies with truth, I find the prep of becoming a new dish really messy. No ones ever sees the kitchen, just the final product. Don't forget about what it takes to become those dishes of grace and beauty. Remember this when you re frustrated with the cashier at the grocery store, or the maniac lady in the mini van ahead of you, or even those close to you. We can't see everyone's kitchen. Let's be kinder to ourselves and others. My fellow women, know you re not alone. Remember that most of all. Cheers!