My Choice

Today, I am choosing to survive. This past week has left me feeling much like the weather. Grey and lifeless. I just really feel like I have been sucking at life lately and its been hard to pick myself up. It is just one of those dumb funks we all go through, but I really can't wait for this one to pass. Growing up has been one of the most odd and exciting roller coaster rides I have been on so far in my life. I believe in a world that is black and white. I believe there are true lines that define what is right and wrong and that it isn't determined by each individuals opinion. This I know to be true. However, that being said, I keep catching myself surrounded by so much grey. It throws me off every time. All of a sudden I have no idea how the edges got so blurred again. Unfortunately, I feel as if this is something I will be experiencing until my dying day. So today..this week, I am just going to survive. If I can survive this week, maybe I can move on to live the next. Lord, give me strength for the unknown plans and lessons you are teaching me this day.

That Feeling

I woke up this morning, got in the shower, and began to tackle my new, too short hair. I was running late of course so I dash down the stairs, grab my lunch and all my random bags for the day. I swing open the door and step out. Uhh....snow. There is snow all over the ground. I smile and run back in the house to put on my boots because my Burkes would never survive the white dust. I smiled as I ran to my car. I love snow. It really is the most wonderful time of the year. I hadn't been feeling very festive yet this year. Days turn to weeks and boom, its already almost 2 months into my new job. I figured this holiday season would become a blur and just fly by without me really noticing. As I drove to work this morning, I was overcome with this feeling of excitement. It was an excitement for all the festivities to come. I love Christmas. Absolutely love it. I remember a few years back, I realized that most adults reach this time where Christmas loses its thrill and you know, you're not a kid anymore. I am fighting back. There is a whole new list of wonderful things to look forward to as an adult for Christmas. Peppermint Mochas and ice skating, ugly sweater parties, decorating your won Christmas tree, going home to your parents, and for all my male adults out there, beards. Yes, this is an odd obsession of mine lately, but I just really love beards. They are so awesome. I will take most any opportunity to compliment a guy on his well groomed beard. They are rough and tough and just downright manly. My brother, Jake and his wife's family does a beard growing contest for December. They always go skiing in Colorado and all the men have these fabulous beards. Its amazing. For the month of November, there is a new fad called Movember, that promotes recognition for prostrate cancer. Instead of "No shave November," men are starting to grow mustaches in honor of "Movember." I think its fantastic. Mustaches are great, but I prefer beards.

Untitled Misery

I am confrontational. I am blunt. I overreact and I am one hell of a fighter. I had a relationship in high school that was based on messing with emotions and leading each other to believe each others crap just to save face. Well I'm not saving face anymore. I refuse to hurt people by avoiding a hard conversation just because I am worried about how it will reflect on me. So yes, I can be hateful. But I'm honest. I am tired. So stinking tired of the roller coaster of emotions that come with the games. Tiptoeing around feelings and denying reality is sooooo much harder. So I am tired. I am tired of hurting people and I am tired of riding the roller coaster. So I'm getting off and walking away.

In the blink of an eye

Started off a normal Thursday morning. Frost covered my car windows this morning so of course I was running a few minutes late. I had stayed up late with some girlfriends last night so I was pretty tired as I started my trek to work this morning around 6:15am. As I was about to exit off of I-470 unto highway 50, I see the group of cars red brake lights ahead of me. That is odd that all of a sudden everyone would be stopping. All of a sudden I see why.. A large SUV had flipped over after being hit. As we all slowly merge into the right lane, we see the trauma unfold. Glass is everywhere. I see debris from the car lying all over the road. People have pulled over and was helping get the victims out of the car. As I slowly drive by, I see a woman stuck in the car as they're trying to pull her out. My heart skipped a beat as I said a prayer, "Lord, PLEASE let everyone be okay." I was so confused as what to do in such a situation. Enough people had pulled over and were helping with everything, so do I just keep driving? Once I got to work and got situated, I turned on the new waiting for the break that gave more details about what had happened. Latest update... a 12 year old boy died. He and his mother and brother were on their way to school. In the blink of an eye... a boy died. A mother lost her son. A brother lost his best friend. In the blink of an eye, everything changed. Accidents happen every day. How often do we go through our days, frustrated with the idiot that got in a fender bender and made everyone else late? How often do we take advantage of those we love? In the blink of an eye, everything can changed. So today, take those few extra seconds and thank God for the blessings in your life because you never know when life might blink again.

Sixteen

    I work up this morning to the sound of my parents raised voices. As my brain began to once again function, the words became clearer to my understanding. "1986 means he would be 25!" "He is 24!""The numbers don't work out like that, there is no way that can be possible." "He died when he was 16 in 2003." "I thought he died when he was 15." My heart got heavy as I sighed and rolled out of bed. My mind began to think of how many years it had been and how time just slapped everyone in the face. 9 years. Almost a decade since that year of unknown. A year of doctors, hospitals, smiles, tears, goodbyes, and eventually darkness. However, this story of death comes two months later. This day is about life. His life. Luke's life. 16 years of utter and complete goofiness and high pitched laughter.

   I wasn't with him when he turned 16. He and my parents and little brother, Seth were all in California while Isaac and I remained in Nebraska. His 15th though was memorable for sure. The Stengels took him out and he shot his first doe. It was epic and the pure joy on his face that night was one that sticks in your memory. It is truly unbelievable to me how fast time has gone by and how surreal it seems some days.

  My little brother and I sat at the tablet his morning eating Luke's breakfast favorite of strawberry crepes. I asked him if he had heard the parents and he mumbles "Yeah, but I dont know what they were saying." After I told him what they were determining, in a low, firm voice he says, "He is 16." So happy sweet sixteen big brother, here's to you.
    

It's Happened

It had happened people. I fell in love. It wasn't a "Happy Ever After" scenerio or a prince charming on a white horse moment. In fact, it happened in the form of two little baby girls wrapped up in pink blankets. Hayden and Adler. They are my 2 month old twin baby girls I started nannying about a week ago. Twins are an experience I am so blessed to have. I love dealing with two babies of completely different personalities. Somehow it is different than just having two random babies together. Its the whole "weird twin thing" that sets them apart. When one cries, the other reacts or when one smiles the other perks up. Right now, it isn't very stressful because for the most part, they eat, sleep and poop. Adler is my screamer. After just a few minutes of grunting she will let out this piercing scream. Its almost humorous how dramatic it is for such a little girl. Hayden is totally chill. She will hang out for like 30 minutes in her seat just looking and observing the world about her. All in all, both girls are just fantastic babies. I am so blessed. Speaking of my screamer, there she goes! :)

Episode of the Meg and Grace Sitcom

Its a Sunday morning. After going to church we decide to go take some pictures because Meg in her "Mary Poppins" and my "50s housewife" getup is just plain awesome. We head downtown and hit up City Market by the River. Naturally, the ridiculous events that went on are beyond words. Meg Doss is one crazzzzy woman. And I love her to death. Living with her thus far this year has been just what I needed to get a positive view back in my life. God has truly blessed my life once again.

The New Familiar

There are many new things occurring in my life every day. I am meeting new people, experiencing new things and yet I find myself strangely comfortable. As if all these new things going on in my life are familiar. Close. Near and dear to my heart. Someone I met via my roommate has left me with something I have never felt before. She is a dear sweet girl. Someone very dear to my roommate and I am quickly finding out why. Every time she comes over to visit or I interact with her, I feel this urge to learn. This burning desire to become more educated and challenge myself to the utmost limits. She is a quite character but when she does speak it has that sort of lasting effect. I have heard others tell stories of people who have come in and out of their life and had a lasting effect. I feel as if this individual will be one I will not soon forget. She attends the Art Institute here in KC and she is studying film making and cinematography. Brilliant. I just want to understand how she thinks and concepts that are formed in her head. And not in a way that I am like "I can't believe she thinks this way" but more so.. "That way you think and process interactions are intriguing." I want to learn. I want to be challenged. I want to be a sponge absorbing knowledge outside of a child's intellect. I want to do this. Yet... not in a classroom. Anyone confused yet?
I am.

New life, New bling!

HEEEEEEELLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Blog.
June 7th. That is the last time I blogged. My oh my what has come about since then. Well most importantly I am no longer working for the family I was all of last year. I miss the girls some days but then I remember what all has come to get me where I am today. I now live in Kansas City MO. I am rooming with my best friend from childhood, Meg Doss and I couldn't be in a better place. I start a new job nannying twin girls and a 2 year old boy in about a month. I am an hour from my parents and Grandma, 30 min from my brother Dan and his family. 3 hours from my sister, Sarah and her family. Looking back on my the last year of my life, I exhale, take a sip of my coffee and thank God that I made it through. However, if offered a choice between going through what I did and opting out.. I think I would do it again. The lessons I learned, being close to my brother Jake for that short period of time and some of the relationships I made somehow make it all worth it. I would like to go back to Colorado someday. I miss the mountains and the sunsets behind them.

I flew my sister, Sarah out to Denver when it was time to move home. One of the first things we did after picking her up at the airport was go and get our nose pierced. Sarah's comment was "New life, new bling." We both have been talking about wanting it for a while so we just jumped the gun and went for it. I think we both are happy we did. Mine is annoying sometimes as it heals but overall I really love it. I think I finally have a lot to say in my life so I hope to find myself blogging again and having some good things to say. I am going to start an episode edition of Meg and Grace's life because quite frankly...it needs to be documented. I love how we live and I wouldn't change it for the world. Special guests include but never so limited to Colonel Maxwell Pickering. Our cat. Yes. A cat. We both hate cats yet somehow how this black fur ball has made his way into our lives and unfortunately..our hearts. We hate that we love him so much!!! Keep an eye out for these probably not so funny episodes to the readers but a hilarious reality for the writer.

Sundresses, Sunglasses and Country Music

Those are my adorable new sunglasses from Forever 21.......in the Rhino pit at the Denver Zoo. Thanks to a nice employee with a trash "picker-upper" thing, I still have them.


Summer has hit Denver in full swing. Warm each day and getting hotter as the days pass. This year, I am all about the sundresses and skirts. I have never been much of a shorts girl and one pair of capris can only be worn so many times in a week before eyebrows are raised. I want to BBQ and drink lemonade and sit on the tailgate of a truck. Which leads me to country music. It could be that I am moving home at the end of the summer or that I have been hick deprived for too long, but I am all about the country music right now. There is something about it that makes me feel all warm inside and appreciate the people that I grew up with. Granted, I know its a phase and I will never actually fit in to the world that is my hometown, but I love that its where I came from. So tomorrow I am going to hit up the Goodwill and Salvation Army for sundresses! Bring on the summertime!!!

Scrambled Thoughts

*I just got done reading my sister's blog about her son, Cory and I need a tissue. She is truly a beautiful writer and for some reason..it just hit home.

* I called my Ma today. You can just hear her smile over the phone. It made my day. I love her so so so very much. She truly makes me a better person.

* I am listening to Nicki Minaj ft Rhinana "Fly". It is a beautiful song and I am seriously digging Nicki Minaj. The woman has soul. Something the pop music has seen in a long time. Love it.

* I talked to the woman whose kids I am nannying next year. I am so excited. There in a genuine honesty in her voice and it is SO refreshing.

* I had an incredible weekend with my girls, Shannon and Amanda. The pictures that I chose to put on Facebook equal 213. Emphasize CHOSE because there were more.

* My brother Jake called me on my birthday even though he was in New York. That meant the world to me. 

* I have been missing my brother, Luke lately. Something seems to always happen that reminds me of something he did or said. I wonder where he d be in life today...

* I am so incredibly blessed and I have been taking advantage the gifts God has laid in front of me.

* I should be sleeping because I am going to the Zoo with Jodie and the girls tomorrow.

* I can't wait until Meg Doss is my roomate.

* I miss my dog, Beau.

* Ok.. I think I've unscrambled enough of the mess to go to sleep.

Friends, Family and Destruction

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Today has been a day full of smiles and excitement. Tomorrow two of my best girlfriends are coming to visit me for the weekend and my birthday!!! Then I finally was able to call my Grandma Koller back and she informed me she and my grandpa are coming to my brothers wedding in June!!! :D :D Let me inform you why this is so incredibly exciting. My Koller grandparents aren't able to come see us much. They came a lot more when we were younger but I think the majority of my family has not seen them since my brother Luke died, almost 9 years ago.  I had the pleasure to visit them for almost a week this past November for Thanksgiving and it was a time I will cherish the rest of my life. They are such special people. My aunt, Cyndy was there as well. It was great because I feel like I got to know my mother a little bit more too. Things were definitely put into perspective. Man I love my family. This is just absolutely awesome. For both them and my mother. Its a big deal.

I am on cloud nine. Life is good. Things are as they should be and for the time being, its all balanced out. 

On the flip side, as I look on the news and see the destruction that is not so far away, my heart sinks. How can things be so sweet yet bitter at the same time? My sister, Sarah lived in Joplin for 3 1/2 years. Its scary to think of something hitting that close to home. I do love watching how everyone comes together at times like these. People dig deep and come up with support and love they never knew they possessed.

Naps

Do you remember when we were kids and naps seemed to be the very worst thing that could possibly happen every day. As I sit here waiting for Guinevere to fall asleep and listening to Dynalea snoring, it really makes me think about how our ideas about things change as we get older. I mean..do you know what I would do for a Sunday afternoon nap?!??! My boyfriend, James is always saying how he got to take a nap this day or that day. I want to sucker punch him every time. It seems like I am either always working or wanting to be getting things done when Im not working so I never have time for a nap. Time is just so precious these days. Or when I have a weekend off and go somewhere, I rarely sleep because I want to have as much time possible to enjoy those I am with. So around and around we go with a never ending wave of tiredness. Mmmm..maybe if I just close my eyes for a second I coul....... zzzzzz

Madness

So tonight I was sitting at the kitchen island with my boss, Stephanie talking about the schedule for May and June. It was like a mad scramble of dates, times, people and utter madness. I couldn't believe how fast the weeks were going to fill up and fly by. This summer is going to fly by as fast as the past 4 months have since January. Unbelievable. The most exciting and scary thing right now? James and I are going to go to Kansas for my nephews confirmation in two weeks. Im thrilled he gets to meet my family yet you never know what they could have up their sleeves :). I gotta break the poor boy in easy..So I am choosing to introduce him to two of the three craziest... Gabe and Sarah. Haha. I love it. :D Its gonna be so wonderful! I had a wonderful Easter weekend. I love the Sunday service. "He has risen. He has risen indeed, Alleluia!" is my FAVORITE part. Instantly a picture of my Grandpa Dahlke pops into my head. He was so joyous and exuberant when he said it, you could hear him no matter where you sat in the church. I miss him. He was the greatest, crouchety, old man ever. :) As stubborn as my grandma is sassy. I love that I have such great memories of him, but especially on one of the greatest days of the year. :) ;

Serenity

Life is balanced. For the first time since I can remember, things are all balanced out. After the first 9 months of this job and all the hoops I jumped through, to have the last 3 end in such serenity... I am in awe. The peace in my heart tells me God had a smile on His face through my hardest times because He knew I would reach this point and be okay. Easter week is one of my favorite. It allows me to appreciate not only what Christ did for me, but what opportunities He gives for Christians to share something so special. These next few months of my life are going to be some of the best thus far. There are so many exciting things to look forward to. :D Just when I think my smile couldn't possibly get any bigger..it does. Someone pinch me.. I really REALLY hope Im not dreaming. :D

My Cup Runneth Over

After looking at the two previous blogs I started, I decided to just start from scratch. One was written on a really bad day and the other after a long, tiring one. Best let those emotions stay where they are.  This one however, is one written with a big ole smile on my face. That seems to be the emotion of choice lately. Even if I don't want to, its hard to hold back. I just got back from an really awesome weekend in Florida with my big sister and her family. I got to see my nieces compete in gymnastics and realize how grown up and hilarious my nephew is. I got a world famous strawberry shortcake at Parksdale AND we got to go to the happiest place in the world on Monday. It was just a wonderful weekend. :) I came back and the girls are finally feeling better, hopefully longer than 3 days this time! I just wish the weather would decide to stay warm and not do this whole back and forth thing. My clothes are beginning to get confused. God has truly opened a door and let a landslide of blessings come my way lately. One being a wonderful guy who instantly brings a smile to my face and butterflies to my stomach. In a previous blog, I wrote about the doing the hard thing and how that is what I have become used to. Its comfortable for me. Doing something the easy way almost scares me because for some reason I have it in my head that it will fail or be doomed to something bad. With James, its just so easy. There is no effort to like him or be around him. And it doesnt worry me that its so easy either. I am just really enjoying the simplicity of it all. :) Ok, so maybe that is a major factor in the inability to control my smiles lately, but hey, I'm not complaining. :D

Ode to the Awesome-You see, because Im part of this realm, I get to change the title days later...

Generous? Check.

Caring? Check.

Non-judgemental? Check.

Loving? Check.

Crazy? Check.

Obnoxious?  Check.

Loud? Double Check. Actually, lets go ahead and make that one a triple. 

Big? Abnormally.

 Charming? Check. I mean, no one can resist these faces. Just look at Sarah and Gabe.

Great Hair? Have you SEEN my fathers head? Many people would kill for that shine! Check!

Stunningly good looking? (Ha. How is that even a question?) Check.

Think we are waaaaayyyy funnier than we really are? Ha. Haha. HA HA HA. Amateurs. 

In short, this is them. My peeps. My blood. My Team....(insert dramatic pause)..My Family

Basically, we rule the world. Our own world that is. We each go and spread our love in our own lives. Truth be told we are all probably hiding in the shadows trying not to disturb or unearth any stones in the world(except maybe Gabe...He does what he wants. :D ), yet somehow manage to  brag about how we rule the domain that is our lives. Yeah..we really are THAT awesome. I mean..this is just a picture of us. Wait til you see their KIDS!! We are making the world a more beautiful place, one offspring at a time. 

Haha. Well, that was written for those family members who read my blog. They get it. But other non blood related readers, don't beat yourself up for not understanding. No one is perfect. Anyways, these individuals are my all. They have each become something new and exciting in my life this past year. I miss them very much. Being with them, sitting on couches, benches and the floor of my parents home makes life easy. Hours go by like minutes. I never laugh as hard as I do when I am with them. They are beautiful and make me want to be a better person. I am so proud to be apart of a family where, for lack of better words, awesomeness abounds. :) I am so blessed.

Dreams

I have been dreaming a lot lately. And the most random people have been in them too. Some have been good, some have been sad and others have been just straight up weird. What causes such bizarre memories to come back or new thoughts present themselves is beyond me. I am also catching myself thinking of old memories that are brought out by the smallest things that have nothing to do with the memory. For instance, while washing my hair the other day, I all of a sudden began thinking about a summer in the OLD Concordia house on College Drive when we had puppies and Daniel Gorres family was in town. WHAT??!?! Where did that come from? Im confused.

Anyways, here's to another weekend sitting in my coffee shop. :)

This could be the start of something wonderful...

So God opened a door for me today. It is big and has shiny, bright lights blinking around it.


I have been looking for something. Some sort of guidance or push towards what to do. What is the next step? As my sister put it, things were starting to get messy. There was no clear target or goal in the future. Today I received an email that has allowed things to become a little more clear. Yes, this is a short and vague blog, however more will come when things are stapled down. :) God is so good to me.

Sickness

So..I have had this stupid cold for over a month now. It was never very bad but just held on enough to be annoying. After the past two weeks of being coughed on, wiping little noses for the millionth time and dosing out medicine, I have finally called in sick. A few days ago I could feel the cold relapsing or a new one catching on. Needless to say, I AM SICK AND TIRED OF BEING SICK AND TIRED!!!!!

Im tired of taking care of sick kids, Im tired of hearing about sickness, being sick or seeing sickness. I am so done with it all. I am ready for spring and clean air and healthy. I am so ready for healthy. So that is my rant for the day as I sit curled up on my bed taking a sick day.

A Story Worth Sharing

This beautiful lady, is my Grandma. She is funny, chatty and has more sass than should be legal at the age of nearly 91. She is my favorite story teller and is a walking keepsaker of my families history. This story is about her Grandmother whose last name was Phalen. My great-great grandmother was not even born when her family left Ireland. In fact, she was born on the boat in route to America. Everyone on the ship was very excited and held a small "meet and greet" for the new baby girl. Even the sailors and ship captains got to come see the bonny wee lass. One sailor in particular took quite a fancy to the small infant. He was young, around the age of 16 or 17. He told his fellow sailor that someday, he was going to marry that baby girl. He kept in close contact with the family upon their arrival in America and 18 years to the date, he married my great-great grandmother. They must have kept in the Irish community because they had a daughter who married a man with the last name O'day. Then they had a beautiful girl named Margaret Mary O'day. She found some stubborn, German named Willehardt Dahlke and married him. And those two were a match made it heaven if I ever saw one. The fact that those two were together until the day my Grandpa died shows God has a WONDERFUL sense of humor.

So I may not have as much Irish in me as I would like, but I will take a little Irish with a story like my mine over more hot blood any day. Happy St. Patrick's Day Mo Charas!!!! And may your day be blessed with these words from an Old Irish Blessing:

“May the road rise up to meet you, may the wind be ever at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face and the rain fall softly on your fields. And until we meet again, May God hold you in the hollow of his hand.”

Norway

I haven't been on a trip in almost 2 years. Our family friend, Brandt is getting married in a few months in Norway. My sister, Sarah and I were just talking about she and Chad going and how cool it would be. It brought up all my old memories of my beloved trip 2 summers ago.

This was my view from my cabin that we stayed in while visiting the island of Austevoll. Mind you, this was at like 10 30pm. The sun sets only for like 4 hours.

This beauty is my #1 girl. She is so wonderful and I miss her SO much!

This was most of the Norskies from my Junior year. They had no idea I was coming, so it was a huge and wonderful surprise. Best day of my life.

This waterfall was about 3/4 mile from Mariannes house where we were staying. It freezes in the winter and you can walk behind it at all times. Absolutely breathtaking

First day there, and I was breaking Norwegian law. We crossed the fence and climbed to the top of the waterfall and this was the view we had. It blew my mind. It was very surreal.

This was the night before I left. I miss these guys so much! I got to see Even last summer when he and Vetle were on their world tour.
Every day I wish I could go back and see the people, the places and all the beauty that abounds in this small Scandinavian country. I joke about going and living there for a year quite often....Or am I joking?

Do The HARD Thing

I wish I could have one of those moments where I stop and move in slow motion as the world speeds by me. Its very strange to see all the different victories and struggles each person deals with every day. We all fight our own demons every day, yet we still manage to get up the next day and do it again and again and again. Its truly remarkable. My mother came upon this statement a few years back and tried drilling it into my little brother's head, when in reality, I think it stuck in mine. "Do the hard thing."

How many times in our lives do we just skip out and go the easy route? We go on and on about passion and our dreams, goals, wishes and lives, yet do we really want to ever put in the work? Some do, but others just cover it up by today's thinking behind what is right for "me." We have stopped doing the hard thing. It says in the Bible that "No sin is greater than another." And I believe this to be true in every account. I feel as if this has been taken to the extreme in today's society. Because we all sin and none is greater than another, we feel like we are justified in doing things like murdering, committing adultery and allow homosexuality to be socially acceptable. But hey, its ok. Because my sin is no greater, so its okay. I am finding that good Christian people are making this excuse. Saying that it is ok, because I know I am sinning but I know God forgives me. Where is the part where it says, we should refrain from it all!?!? Its very perplexing and is something I am struggling to understand.

One Day Without Shoes

Come one, come all!!!!!!


Here are some links to better explain this movement.
http://www.tomscampusclubs.com/group/arapahoecc
Also see www.tomshoes.com and click on Our Movement-One Day Without Shoes
I am the new Campus Club person for my community college so I have a lot of work to do to get people involved. This doesn't just have to be in my school though. Get co-workers, kids, friends, home school groups, any and everyone to participate. Its a global event and its gonna be incredible. The purpose is to promote children all over the world who go every day without shoes. A quote from Toms said it very well, "April 5th. I am going without shoes so kids don't have to." Its an incredible movement and its fun. I mean, everyone loves to be barefoot. Its a great start to spring.

For those of you who don't know how passionate I am about this company, let me inform you. One day I was on TOMS website because  I was looking at their cool shoes and messing around on the website. I clicked on a link that said INTERNSHIPS. I thought, "thats interesting." Before I knew it, I was looking up available internships and deciding which one best suited me. Within a few weeks, I was enrolled in a local community college and taking steps to become a Public Relations major. This company gave me an edge to do more and dream more for my future than I though possible. If you're interested, check out their sight. You won't regret it.

Steps to Making Your Dreams Come True

Ok.. well not really "your" dreams, but more so MINE!

 This was taken in Georgetown, Co. on a frozen lake. Yeah, I love my Toms THAT much. 

Tonight I applied to become a Campus Representative for TOMS shoes. :D After I ordered my second pair.. Needless to say, I am SUPER stoked. This was my next step in my goal to get into the internship program for TOMS.  Its hard to stay focused or think its a possibility when your ultimate goal is SO far away, however I just had another burst of passion for this dream. Its gonna happen. I am SO stinking excited. I want to enroll full time now and just knock it all out and go! Soooo much easier said then done. Ok.. realistically, my first goal is to ace my first Statistics exam on Monday! :) Happy Weekend everyone!!!!

 Philippians 3:14 "I press on towards the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

"Be the change you want to see in the world." Ghandi

Oscar the Grouch..

They are staring...calling...beckoning me. Those stupid trash cans sitting on the curb in the snow...It is so frigid cold out. Bitter cold. Dead of winter in Nebraska cold (Yeah, you know what Im talking about). So cold you inhale and the moisture in your lungs frost over a little bit. Yeah.. THAT cold.

Seeing all the snow and the neighbor kids out makes me wish I was a kid again and could go and roll in the snow. Go sledding, drink hot cocoa that is so awful there are chunks of the powder floating at the top, but it doesn't even matter because it is hot. Man, being a kid was awesome. When did we all become adults? And how do we make it stoppppp?!

Jodie is sick this week so I've got the girls to myself all day. It really is refreshing to have them in the morning and mid-day. They are #1 more fun and a LOT happier. #2 I get to do more with them because we aren't on as strict a schedule as we are in the evening. Guinevere and I made fruit smoothies earlier and it was kind of awesome. She is kind of hilarious at times. As much as her vocabulary of a 6 year old drives me crazy, she comes up with some of the craziest stories. Exibit A. The other day she started to tell me that the Duke of York(yes..the Duke of York) had come to visit her. He had come out of her Animal Science book that Annabelle(her doll) had given to her. Annabelle had got it from Babies R' Us. But not her(Guinevere's) Babies R' Us, but Annabelle's. Then when I said "Really? The Duke of York?" She goes, "Yep!" and runs away. Haha. Love it.

Ok... Here it goes. Off to get Oscar the Grouch from the frigid cold!!!!! Ugh...

Memories

Tonight, I got to see my lovely, wonderful Tonya!!!!!!!

Some of you might know this stellar gal, others, well let me inform you. She is one of my best friends from my nanny school days. She is one of the coolest, most fun gals I know. Her one flaw...she drinks coffee from a straw :) Bahaha. (inside joke!) Anyways, she is visiting an old friend with her friend, Dani and is in the Denver area for the weekend. Yay yay yay yay yay. It was so wonderful seeing her! I can't wait to hang with her more tomorrow.

Also, after catching up on the gossip of nanny school, T told me about a job posting in Africa. Of course, me being the dreamer that I am, I automatically placed myself in the situation. How incredible would that be?!?!?! I don't know many of the details yet other than its for a 6 month old girl in Kenya. Both parents are an American couple. The story itself just sounds incredibly intriguing. Brings me back to last year when I applied for the job in Puerto Rico. Ohhhh the what ifs. :)

What an awesome night of memories and good feelings. Gonna top it off with some chai tea and kettle corn. :) Life..is..good.

SCAM!

So...my dream car for a ridiculously affordable price was a scam. Haha.  Surprise, surprise. MAN! What were the chances? The thing that irked me the most was that the guy said he needed a quick sale because he was shipping off to Afghanistan in less than 2 weeks. Come on! You re gonna use the US military as an excuse to make a few bucks? Yeah...pretty low. Nevertheless, I will get my Jeep Wrangler.

Weekend is looking pretty good so far. I get to see my brother, Jake, sis Erin and niece Lydia tomorrow. Then in the evening I am going to see the Whiffenpoufs perform at Denver University. :) Awesome!


And I really want a dog...Like really REALLY bad...

Whooo Whoo!!! and Boo!!

Whoooooo! Whoooo!!
Boo! Boo! *mwha*

These are some of the words I have heard all day long. The best part? They are coming from a year old tot who has a toothy grin and big blue eyes. Dynalea is quite the entertainer. I am more proud that I taught her each one of these. I took her and Guinevere to the Firehouse down the road today. It was so much fun. The firefighters were so great with the girls and they did fantastic. Now that Dynalea can walk, its so much easier to take the girls out. Its wonderful to be able to just put her down and chase after her. To top off a good day, I got to enjoy a smorgasbord of yum-o Sushi! :) Yummmmmmy!

I also might have found a potential car...So prayers go up that it works out because that would be... A-wait for it...MAZING! AMAZING!!! 2001 Maroon Jeep Wrangler...Dream car.

Also I got to send flowers to someone who has been Gods gift on earth to me this past week...She's kind of awesome. :)

Hump day....PSH!  I'm over it.

Here We Go

I love school. I really never ever thought I would say this, but I truly love learning. Its one of those things that plays to the saying "Absence makes the heart grow founder." I have missed being in school a great deal. So far, I have only started one of my two classes. Intro to Statistics. I like it for many reasons. My teacher is young and super fun. She keeps things simple and reminds me of my high school math teacher who I completely loved. Secondly, I sit by this lady in maybe her mid 30s(?) and I just found out today she is a Christian. Clever, God. Real clever. :) And last but definitely not the least, I understand half the stuff I am learning! They say people who are good at math hate statistics, so I am hoping since I am horrible at math, I am gonna kick bootay at statistics.

Overall, this has been a great Monday. Good way to start the week. The girls have been great today and both of them are going through a really cute stage. Dynalea is just starting to talk and she is walking around everywhere. Guinevere is in a sweet stage (This week atleast... :) She and I have had a few full on laughing session due to something out of this world she would start talking about, which is a hard moment to beat. And probably the highlight of my day came just a few moments ago when I read my sisters blog. My Godson, Caleb is just starting to learn to pray. The faith of a child truly blows my very being. It is one of the most humbling experiences. Awesome.
I bid thee good day :)

Same Old Same

I get on my blog every day.
As I sign on, I try and think of something I could write about. Most days its, I could write about how bad this was or what I wish was different this way but then I end up saying, its the same old same and complaining about it isn't going to change it. So I usually see if my fellow bloggers have posted and then move on to something else mundane. I think my next big post will be about my dramatic break down. I am still trying to figure out what I want to do. I wish I had enough guts to pierce my nose, cause that would be cool. Or more so, I wish EVERYONE my age didn't have their nose pierced so it wouldn't be such a trend. I wish tattoos weren't lifetime permanent. And I wish I had the time off to fly to New Zealand to go cliff jumping. Any suggestions of something crazy I could do to release some pent up aggression?

And......there goes my sanity.

Funny how I was going to start writing about how I was losing my sanity before I decided to see if my sister had posted today. She did. What was her topic about? Sanity. It must be that time of year...or the full moon....or just this crazy thing we all call life.

I know myself enough to know this feeling I am beginning to get in the pit of my stomach. I have begun to allow myself to cry when I am alone, which means my emotions are reaching the brim. I have begun to think of traveling to the farthest place possible, which means I am over stressed. And I have become more impulsive the past few days. What does this all mean? Grace is on the verge of a breakdown and she knows it, so she will diffuse it by doing something dramatic. The key will be deciding what she will take out all her pent up aggression on. Last time it was her poor hair. What shall it be this time? Black fingernails? Should I pierce my nose? Get a tattoo? Go cliff jumping? Buy a car? Buy a one way ticket to Europe and become a bum?.....

Lord, send your angels to protect me for what is to come...

Honestly...

Honesty.

One of the hardest things to reason with, especially when we have to be honest with ourselves. So when we are honest with ourselves, do we make it better or worst? Since we know both sides, do we ignore it or take our own advice? Do we end up doing more damage trying to protect ourselves from the truth? Granted, it is situational, but how do we determine when honesty serves its best purpose? When we are honest with other people, doesn't it end up hurting them more times then not? Why can't we all just live in this bubble of rainbows and naivety? Funny how something that which is most key in any situation is the hardest to deal with. So I gotta be honest with you....the truth doesn't set you free. It just sucks.

8 years later, You are still teaching me...

I was in 6th grade P.E. class

We were doing some sort of tumbling class. I was as awkward as any pubescent 6th grader could be.
Mrs. Wenke, the 2-3rd grade teacher, also my neighbor, pulled the gym door open and pointed towards me. I thought she was pointing to my classmate, Jared in front of me. Some days I really wish she had wanted Jared.. I remember walking across the gym with a million thoughts racing through my head. Was it Luke? Was I in trouble? Did Grandma schedule my doctor's appt. for today?
I looked up at in her with all the questions in my eyes. She just said, "Your dad is on the phone." I began to run down the hall to the office where I see my principal, Mrs. Schardt and one of my teachers, Mrs. Vanderoff sitting there while Isaac is on the office telephone. He is emotionless as he hands me the phone and says, "Its Dad." My thoughts begin racing, "Are they coming home?" "Luke is gonna be ok?" "Is he sick again?" I remember my hands and voice shaking as I said, "Dad?" I immediately hear a husky, "Gracie. I'm so sorry." And then I hear my mother in the back. As the tears came and my heart fell,  I knew. As he began to explain things, it was all kind of a blur, I just kept picturing my brothers face as I left the hospital room, 2 months earlier. The look he gave me made sense now. It was as if he knew that would be the last time we saw each other. It was so peaceful and spoke all the words we couldn't say nor those we didn't understand.
As I gave the phone back I remember Isaac giving me a brief hug as I curled up next to Mrs. Vanderoff and cried. Time seemed to pass as teachers came in and out. I remember watching my class pass by the office door coming back from P.E. Grandma Koller came to pick us up after what seemed like an eternity. After that...it all blends together as some sort of dream.
To this very day, eight years later that look Luke gave me gets me through some of my toughest issues. His death continues to teach me new lessons every day. Not a day goes by that I don't remember his contagious laughter. I can't see root beer or gummi worms without smiling. And I feel as if God gives me a piece of him every day that I see the group of deer that live in my back yard. I love you big brother.

2011-You Are More

2011 is going to be a year that will change everything. I am not my own. I am more than my daily circumstances and I can conquer anything through Christ. Lord give me the strength to press on towards the goal.
 ^{Romans 8:31-39
31} What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? ³² He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? ³³ Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. ³⁴ Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. ³⁵ Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? ³⁶ As it is written:
   “For your sake we face death all day long;
   we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”^[j]
 37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. ³⁸ For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,^[k] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, ³⁹ neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Romans+8&version=NIV)


Tenth Avenue North

"You Are More"

There's a girl in the corner
With tear stains on her eyes
From the places she's wandered
And the shame she can't hide

She says, "How did I get here?
I'm not who I once was.
And I'm crippled by the fear
That I've fallen too far to love"

But don't you know who you are,
What's been done for you?
Yeah don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

Well she tries to believe it
That she's been given new life
But she can't shake the feeling
That it's not true tonight

She knows all the answers
And she's rehearsed all the lines
And so she'll try to do better
But then she's too weak to try

But don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

'Cause this is not about what you've done,
But what's been done for you.
This is not about where you've been,
But where your brokenness brings you to

This is not about what you feel,
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

You've been remade
You've been remade.
You've been remade.
You've been remade.