"Everything is going to be okay."

November 28th, 2002. Ten years. 3,650 days since I walked out of that hospital room. My brain can smell the pancakes wafting through the hospital's family kitchen as my mother made us all breakfast that morning. I remember sitting outside in the corridor laughing. The color in your cheeks was that of a pink rose. We teased Gabe relentlessly about his SoCal long hair. Seth stuck to your side like a mini me, watching your every move, admiring. Isaac just shook his head as we carried on. There was so much laughter. We took a few pictures. One, I keep to this day. I look at it and think where has the past decade gone? It was a perfect morning. Those fateful ten years ago.
I remember feeling anxious as time passed too quickly. Almost as if a storm was brewing, I felt everything begin to change. All of a sudden it was chaos. Those rose colored cheeks became a ghost. The pancakes you ate ended up in a pillow case. Soon, nurses were everywhere as they wheeled you back to your room. I felt panic hit as our perfect morning spun into a whirlwind. "No, no, no, no. I am leaving in 30 minutes. He was fine. He is fine. I can't get on a plane when he isn't fine," my brain kept saying. The following minutes were somewhat of a blur. My next memory was standing there, watching everyone else walk out of your room. Cement. My body was cement and couldn't move. I looked at you lying there, looking so weak and frail. A completely different person from the one laughing outside only minutes ago. I kept telling myself I couldn't leave. As you opened your tired eyes, you bore into my soul. You half smiled and then I knew no matter what was to come, everything would be okay. Some years I thought you may have said something or squeezed my hand but I remember it now. You said nothing and we stood feet apart. You looked at me with your quirky smile. I remember whispering "I love you" as I rushed from the room. If I didn't go then, I never would have. What felt like an eternity of standing there was only seconds as I saw the rest of my family only halfway down the hall. I wiped the tears from my eyes as I exhaled and tucked my arms around myself. I thought then the look you gave me was to give me strength to get on that plane and fly home, now I know it meant oh so much more. That look gave me the strength to get up and move on. It let me forgive myself for walking out of that room. I think maybe you knew. You knew I would have needed those extra seconds to say goodbye. You knew it would be the last. You somehow just knew. I didn't know the depth of that look until two months later when I heard Daddy's voice on the phone.
Some years have been easy, other ones hard, however one thing has remained the same; everything is okay. It hasn't always felt like it would be but 3,650 days after walking out of that room, everything is still okay. Hard? Yes. Sad? More days than not. I am okay. We are all...okay.

Late night thoughts about "life"

            "Life's a dance, you learn as you go, sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow."

Life....Life....Life is.....Life.....Life could quite possibly be the most irritating and confusing concept of this world. Webster has about 20 definitional variations of this small, four letter word. The most common conclusion was "a period of existence." I keep looking at my period of existence thus far and can't help but focus on the last 4-5 years of my timeline. SO much has changed. I have done so much, seen so much, moved..so much. I had all these plans and expectations of where I would be at 21. Honestly, I am not too far from it. I am just about right where I want to be. The most startling part of that though, is I am not the person I thought I would be at 21. Now, I don't think that is per say a bad thing, just not what I had expected. This whole life as an adult is a lot harder than I expected it to be. It takes its tolls. It truly amazes me how many times I go to far and have to reel myself back in and think, "how the heck did I unknowingly cross so many lines?" It is just that easy. Wait a second...easy? Weren't we just discussing how hard life is? Yes, we were. Now you see my point. Life is not one way or the other. It is both. At the same time. Both attacking from every angle. Leaving you in the fetal position wondering what the heck is happening. I mean, that is how I feel most days. It is frightening for me to see how easy I get sidetracked and have to start over at square one again. How does one exist in this life safely and properly without locking themselves in a box with water and the Bible? I had a really great conversation with my roommate on Saturday morning over coffee about how our parents raised us and their logic behind it. The trust parents have of their children to make the right decisions because they taught us to infer right and wrong. Today though, everyone keeps telling me there is no right or wrong. YOU get to decide that. Whhhaaaattt?? Where, when and HOW did I earn the right to decide what is right or wrong? I don't want that responsibility!!  Its a tainted logic and it is destructing our young society today. We are human thus we are born sinful and cannot differ the two properly.
I look at both my sisters' beautiful lives and my heart just sinks. I feel like I have crossed the line of grey too many times to find that type of happiness. They have been through their 20s and come out alive and get to enjoy the downhill now. I know I am just starting, but I am still concerned. What if I am that person God never made someone for? What if I am to be used elsewhere in this world? I know that is a possibility and if that is my path, I take it gratefully. However, I am scared all the same. I am not the person I thought I would be at 21. Life is not the way I thought it would be as a child. I can only resolve that every single day I am loved by Christ. He has bigger plans for me than I do for myself. I need to start living up to my true Father's expectations for myself.

Done and done. I'm out.

Sara Bareilles has always been one of my favorite artists. She is spicy, independent and knows how to stick to her guns. She has been blessed to be able to release her low tolerance for B.S. in her music, which I must say I am envious of. So today, I am using her lyrical talent to vent a little bit. This about sums it up perfectly. The "control" is all yours, babe. I'm out.
King of Anything
Keep drinkin' coffee
Stare me down across the table
While I look outside

So many things I'd say if only I were able
But I just keep quiet
And count the cars that pass by

You've got opinions, man
We're all entitled to 'em
But I never asked

So let me thank you for time
And try to not waste any more of mine
Get out of here fast

I hate to break it to you babe
But I'm not drowning
There's no one here to save

Who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything

You sound so innocent
All full of good intent
You swear you know best

But you expect me to
Jump up on board with you
Ride off into your dellusional sunset

I'm not the one who's lost
With no direction oh
But you won't ever see

You're so busy makin' maps
With my name on them in all caps
You got the talkin' down just not the listening

And who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything

All my life
I've tried
To make everybody happy while I
Just hurt
And hide
Waitin' for someone to tell me it's my turn
To decide

Who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything

Who cares if you disagree
You are not me

Let me hold your crown, babe

I wish

  I have wished for a lot of things in my life. Wishing is something I feel so so about. Part of me tells me wishing is a selfish act done because we aren't satisfied with what we have. The other part of me says wishing is a gateway to hopes and dreams, which I think is a wonderful thing. Today is my brother, Luke's birthday. He would have turned 26 , but he will forever be 16. Sweet 16. What an age to go out on. I have for the past decade suppressed a lot of my very real emotions about my brother's death(see previous post), so I am going to try and be honest without feeling bad. For some reason I felt like I knew better than to feel sad or angry so I tried to shut it off and throw it away. So for today, I am going to allow myself a wish list for Luke. These are the wishes I wished for you the last ten years you weren't able to blow out your own candles.
1. I wish you could have gone hunting this weekend for opening season.
2. I wish you could have been there for Isaac and Katrina's wedding. He really wanted you there.
3. I wish you could meet children someday. Them not being able to know you will be such a shame.
4. I wish you could see how tall Seth has got. He's bigger than you now.
5. I wish I could beat you at hand and foot.
6. I wish I could remember what your laugh sounded like.. It was the greatest laugh.
7. I wish you were still here..
8. I wish we could go out and have a real "brewsky" together instead of the ever faithful root beer.
9. I wish you were able to give me advice on my life. You always seemed to handle me with such calm and patience.
10. Somedays..I wish I would have come down to California sooner.. I wish I would have been down there to see you one last time. I never knew you with your fresh new heart, however, I knew you with the biggest heart.

Next week will be ten years. One decade. 3,650 days since I walked out of that hospital room. We'll save that for another day. Today is a celebration. Today we get to enjoy the 16 years of memories and laughs you were here. Today we get to tell how you lived.

A Dream

Sometimes I have this dream where I am collapsed on the ground. Someone in the distance is walking away and I just sit there, not able to move. The ground is cold. Grey skies above me begin to sink as the bleak fog settles around me. The distant thunder rolling, mocking me. It is a bitter reminder of the storm passed.  Stricken by the rush of emotions, tears begin to run down my face. I feel exposed. My nerves are tingling, my heart is pierced. So much pain. So much feeling. I can't seem to take a breath.  Everything. I feel everything. Every little emotion ever buried, every tear held back, even the extra remnants of surprise, shock and excitement. All at once. All on the surface. The hurt, the anger, the sadness. It is all there. No twitch or flicker of feeling left behind. The tears begin to flow faster and soon I find myself weeping. Weeping for the ones I let walk away, those who stayed, and those who I have forgotten. I wept for the years I ignored. The sensations of memories burn as they wreck my entire being. My very soul exposed for all to see. I didn't have the energy to hold anything back or hide behind the truth. The intensity of emotion passes by in waves as my brain plays the past eleven years like an old black and white film. Every excruciating moment replayed in my head, felt in my heart. So many years of disconnect between the two are finally finding common ground in my misery. The rise and fall of my sobs match those of the film. Each year's struggle delivers its own set of feelings. Each one just as painful as the last. As the past year makes its debut, I feel a mixture of relief and panic. A gust of wind blows away my last tear as the cinema of my past crosses with the present. My breathing slows. My face dries. My swollen eyes part ever so slightly. As the clouds part, I am caught in a ray of sunshine. I look up and feel the warmth of peace fill my now empty cavity. I am able to breath in deeply and rise to my feet. I look in the direction of the one who walked away, knowing it will be the last time. I turn the other way and take a step forward.

 I had hidden a broken soul successfully for years. I never realized the extent to which my emotions were buried and the burden they were on me. This is where the healing begins. There will still be hurt, however the healing has begun.