A Dream

Sometimes I have this dream where I am collapsed on the ground. Someone in the distance is walking away and I just sit there, not able to move. The ground is cold. Grey skies above me begin to sink as the bleak fog settles around me. The distant thunder rolling, mocking me. It is a bitter reminder of the storm passed.  Stricken by the rush of emotions, tears begin to run down my face. I feel exposed. My nerves are tingling, my heart is pierced. So much pain. So much feeling. I can't seem to take a breath.  Everything. I feel everything. Every little emotion ever buried, every tear held back, even the extra remnants of surprise, shock and excitement. All at once. All on the surface. The hurt, the anger, the sadness. It is all there. No twitch or flicker of feeling left behind. The tears begin to flow faster and soon I find myself weeping. Weeping for the ones I let walk away, those who stayed, and those who I have forgotten. I wept for the years I ignored. The sensations of memories burn as they wreck my entire being. My very soul exposed for all to see. I didn't have the energy to hold anything back or hide behind the truth. The intensity of emotion passes by in waves as my brain plays the past eleven years like an old black and white film. Every excruciating moment replayed in my head, felt in my heart. So many years of disconnect between the two are finally finding common ground in my misery. The rise and fall of my sobs match those of the film. Each year's struggle delivers its own set of feelings. Each one just as painful as the last. As the past year makes its debut, I feel a mixture of relief and panic. A gust of wind blows away my last tear as the cinema of my past crosses with the present. My breathing slows. My face dries. My swollen eyes part ever so slightly. As the clouds part, I am caught in a ray of sunshine. I look up and feel the warmth of peace fill my now empty cavity. I am able to breath in deeply and rise to my feet. I look in the direction of the one who walked away, knowing it will be the last time. I turn the other way and take a step forward.

 I had hidden a broken soul successfully for years. I never realized the extent to which my emotions were buried and the burden they were on me. This is where the healing begins. There will still be hurt, however the healing has begun.