Overcompensating

The past couple weeks I have been feeling as if I was building walls again to protect myself from all that happened this fall. This morning I found this post I started in October. Father, forgive my broken ways.

"Sooooooo life is hard, currently. My grandmother had a horrific accident last week and ended up in the ICU for four days followed by hospice care at my parents home. We are pretty close so the hit was brutal. I rushed back to Missouri the evening it happened and remained there all week. Leaving Sunday meant consciously driving away knowing I will most likely never see my grandmother alive again. I made it about 2 miles down the road before I had to pull over and "ugly cry" as my sister puts it. I felt my heart breaking as I tried to get a grip. This world is so broken. And it hurts. Oh it can hurt so much sometimes. Today as I finished my *cough* 3rd Krispy Kreme  aka "overcompensation for my feelings" doughnut, I realized not only was this not a productive way to handle my grief(imagine that), it was killing me. This weight I have continued to carry with me isn't exactly just the weight of being in a broken world. It was a combination of anger, regret, guilt, and lack of willingness to forgive. The last week of my life has been absolutely broken. I told "my story" in my small group, completely wrecking my walls from the inside out. That was the first time I had ever told it all together and to such a large group of people. I talked about things I haven't even talked about to myself. It wrecked me. Which was what I had been praying for God to do for months now. That was only the tipping point. The next morning was when I got the phone call from my dad about grandma. The days that followed were filled with tears, pain and just a glimpse of hope. I ended up having a long conversation with my mom in the hospital that may have led to a breakthrough in our relationship. Perspective. Driving away was an initial ripping off the band aid. Staying by her side until she took her last breath and controlling my last moments with her, that was the band aid. I am trying to remain free of the bandages in hopes the exposure will show God I am ready for Him to fully heal my soul. I don't know if that is actually a thing, but as of right now, I am open to the chance that it is."