A Realization

So this was a post I made a few weeks ago and never finished. It has some validity to it even though I am on the 'up' of the pendulum swing. 

"I looked in the mirror this morning and what I saw was a face of woman who was trying to make it to the weekend.

For whatever reason, I was thinking about hardships and all the difficulties people live through in life. You know, one of those intense shower thoughts. I looked at myself and was processing my brother dying when I was eleven. And I didn't recognize that as my story. As me. It was almost as if it's this memorized story I have told over and over again. I know the girl I speak of but that girl doesn't feel like me. I feel different. I am different. Is it just my cynicism towards the harshness of life? Or have I changed so much I don't recognize parts of myself anymore? I don't feel as if this is a crisis.. Should it be? It surprised me.  I want to be able to recognize myself, see where I ve grown but not lose who I was. But why? Am I holding back because I don't want to lose the part that knew Luke? If Luke hadn't died when I was eleven, would I want to keep that girl inside a little longer? Or is this what it feels like to unload all the baggage I ve kept for 12+ years? That could be it... It was heavy. An deep and darker than I ever imagined. I know now that I ll keep digging and find other corners of the unknown but for now, I am ok with the purging I ve done thus far. The stranger I saw this morning was me. Just a 40year old version of myself in a 23year olds face. I was frustrated with something the other day and my sister in law just laughed at me, saying, "I think everyone your age struggles with this, you re just frustrated because you re 40 wondering why you re acting like a 23 yr old." So sweet. I have to go through the works to be the works. 

I think telling myself that my inside is a 40 year old woman makes me feel like I am past the hard but all that shows me is that I still haven't got it through my brain. The "it" I refer to is that thinking that if one or two events happen, it will solve multiple issues. I.e. If I just find my husband, I won't feel lonely. If I read my bible more, I'll be more disciplined. 

The extremes of a one answer fix. It doesn't work. You never "arrive." And if you have, it's either at the golden gate or the fiery one. Life is the process of struggle and obedience. Regardless of what and how we learn here on earth, we re here to grow. And grown I have. In so many unbelievable ways."